“Is it me or are bells ringing?”

“You’re in a mental institution. What do you think?… Besides, they aren’t ringing, they’re tolling.”

“You’re both wrong. They’re knelling.”

“Is that even a word? No matter. They’re pealing.”

“By God, you’re right. The war’s over.”

“They’d be ringing out wildly if the war were over.”

“It’s the top of the hour, you fools.”

“Oh, thirty o’clock is it, Mr. Know-It-All?”

“My radiator sounds better than that cacophony.”

“Somebody let the hunchback get his hands on the rope again.”

“The gates are open.”

“Till the bells stop. Off we go, then.”

Christmas Definitions 4

Red-nosed Reindeer – Sadly, will have to be put down. Highlty contagious.

Elves – You’ve seen them in Lord of the Rings. Warlike. Bows and arrows. Hate on your gifts and they will come for you.

Wise Men – (Not Wise Guys) If they’re so wise, what are they doing out in the middle of a cold winter’s night, in a one-horse town like Bethlehem?

Yule¬† Log – Help me out here. Santa’s due down the chimney in three hours, so you’ve rolled out the granddaddy of all logs and lit it up?

Christmas Definitions 3

Candy Cane – Made of candy or whatever, large or small, in the shape of a cane, for decoration. Much more common than the candy crutch.

Ornament – Anything that you hang on the tree. Could be something made by your three-year-old in preschool, or an object in the family for two hundred years, or something that was chic twenty years ago, or just something, like, where the heck did that come from?

Three Kings – When do three kings agree about anything? Did these guys all use the same soothsayer. Whatever: road trip!

Manger – Place for baby to sleep if bureau drawer, truckle bed, or laundry basket is not available.

Christmas Definitions 2

Jingle Bells – The bells that jingle, as opposed to those that ring, ring out wildly, ding, ring a ding ding, alarm you, warn you, signal end of class finally!, bell the cat, toll, are cacophonous, signal a metaphorical weather change, clang, tinkle, chime, or otherwise aren’t sufficiently Christmasy.

Xmas – Sorry, but this one’s got me beat.

Christmas Carolers – They stroll from house to house, singing Christmas songs. Maybe they’ll come to your house. Go out and thank them with a big smile. What’s the matter with you?

Silent Night – Christmas back before pro football, tweets, and texting.

Santa Claus – Knows whether you’ve been naughty or nice, and, to the penny, the worth of your parents. Your presents reflect this knowledge accordingly.

Mistletoe – A prickly parasitic excuse for kissing, sort of like your strange old Uncle Norm.

Fruitcake – You macerate and age it; your recipients just age it.