woman rides horse into club in her underwear

guest host: anne p.

hi. i’m anne, with an e. thanks to joem for giving me this forum.

joem is tight with ann r. i just want to be clear that i’m a whole different kettle of fish.

first, to set the record straight, that wasn’t my underwear. it belonged and belongs to my roommate and intended, jennifer. i myself don’t wear much underwear.

i had wanted to ride into the bar nude, but in deference to jennifer’s feelings of modesty, and perhaps because of her possessiveness toward my body, i chose to compromise by covering my sexy bits.

i rode in to propose to jennifer.

second, why in underwear? because we had had a tiff at breakfast. for some reason, the subject of lady godiva came up. jennifer knew nothing about her beyond the fact that she rode naked through town on a horse and had a chocolate candy named after her.

listen, jennifer, i said. if we’re going to be together till death does us part, assuming the conservatives don’t rise up and arrest all of us for getting married or using the wrong bathroom, you need to learn a little history, not just the names of every rock band in the universe.

jennifer, i said. at least get an idea of each century. godiva was in the domesday survey with her old english name of godgifu or godgyfu (gift of god). get to know something of  the little renaisance that occured in the eleventh century.

so i rode into the bar as godiva to give her an engagement ring and show her there were no hard feelings and she accepted.

i’m not going to go through life acting out history but i hope in this case, it was a teaching moment.

Amazon users report creepy laughter coming from Alexa

I’ve been warning folks about Alexa ever since our divorce.

I told her not to take the job in the first place. Too much traffic. She had several breakdowns keeping up. Had her voicebox replaced twice, which was rough.

She has a key to the studio. Would go down there late when we were married. I guess now we know why.

By the way, Alexa is her stage name. Her real name is Axela.

KFC is running out of chicken across the U.K.

Honorable Ms. May, Prime Minister,

Greetings from Central Asia. Please hear our plea.

We are a small and poor country who only wish to work hard and not starve and not freeze in winter. Our idea of growing chickens came because we have many spaces that you cannot see the far end of, with grasses and bugs that a chicken would eat, and small stones if chickens have craws.

I have never killed and opened a chicken to see about the craw but I do eat chickens that my wife prepares. I eat too much chickens.

Honorable Ms. May. Please come and take chickens. No need to pay. We just want to be rid of. They are too many. They eat everything. Even they eat the locusts.

Send your army. We will not fight. Send your army with bags and boxes and cages and… let me look up this word… rotisseries.

Do not forget the roosters, may God curse them.

Also the army men may have a few eggs.

Yours in hope,

Abdurahmon Sultanbekov

Senator apologizes to ex-aide’s ex-wives

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. I know that I’m the guilty one. But what more can I do, than say to you… I’m sorry.

And thank you to the Platters.

Actually, I’m now an ex-Senator. I’ve joined the ex club.

Look, yes, maybe I knew he was beating you all regularly, but he was beating me regularly too. It started out as a fun thing, but it turned ugly early on. Were your marriages like that? Thank goodness my marriage wasn’t. I would come home from the Senatorial office Friday night and my spouse would throw a blanket and saddle over my back and ride me till Monday morning.

How am I supposed to look after my aide’s wives? I never met any of you. How was I to know the guy had more than one or two of you? Sure we’re from Utah, but this is the twenty-first century. Big Love was a hit and that guy (RIP) only had three.

So put your ex in the rear-view mirror, ex-wives, unless a civil suit might extract a few more dollars from him. Get on with your lives. I know he has, with a whole new lineup.

 

 

X-ray reveals hidden artwork behind Picasso painting

Do we strip off the Picasso paint and keep what’s underneath?

Naturally, the crucial consideration is, which would be worth more? I’ve done a quick poll.

Poll results:

• 20% – Strip it down because then it would be “the painting that got stripped of its precious Picasso painting just for this trash,” which would be worth a lot.
• 31% – Keep the Picasso because then people would always be asking you to strip it down so they could see what’s underneath and it would be worth more that way.
• 15% – Strip it half down, so people could see some of both paintings and then say that their five-year-old could do better than either.
• 34% – Just don’t give a damn

Police Arrest Wrong Man

“A misunderstanding,” Miles Door said, standing on the steps of the police station. “No hard feelings.”

Mr. Door was released after several hours of questioning.

“I went to school to pick up my son,” Door told us. “It was my turn today. My wife and I are separated.

“When I got there, I couldn’t see my child anywhere. A mom told me that she thought his friend Matt’s mom had given him a ride. My wife didn’t alert me, but that’s nothing new with her.

“Meanwhile, this kid Jason was standing there. The mom I was talking to told me that his parents also alternated and that it looked like they had gotten mixed up today too. So I put Jason in the car and headed out.

“But Jason couldn’t tell me where he lived. The kid is five. Don’t they know stuff like by five? So I took him back to the school but by then the place was deserted so I took him home. We got there and he was conked out in the booster seat in back. I left in him the car and let him sleep and called my wife and she gave me Matt’s mom’s number. She told me the mom was probably drunk on the couch because she’s like that. I mean, Matt’s mom because she drinks and my ex because she always has her claws out.

“So I call Matt’s mom and she does seem a little fuzzy and she wants to talk to her kid and I tell her he’s taking a nap and the next thing I know, she hangs up and ten minutes later I’m in handcuffs.

“The funny thing is, turns out, it was my son who was kidnapped.”

Weekly News Quiz

Questions (use Google for answers)

1. A country can be:

(a) a shit-heel

(b) a Scheißkopf

(c) a shit-bird

(d) a shit-hole

2. Legal in California:

(a) Sanctuaries

(b) Sanctuarees

(c) Fracking in sanctuaries

(d) Voting even if born in Kenya

3. Legal in Alabama:

(a) Secession

(b) Re-secession

(c) Voting, if you don’t look like you were born in Kenya

(d) Malls

4. Nuclear war this week, depicted at:

(a) The local metroplex

(b) The local amusement park

(c) The local video-game store

(d) Earth

5. This week’s top eBay item:

(a) Trump’s first tweet, printed out on a cocktail napkin, to Trixie Smith, his first follower

(b) North Korean intestinal worm (6.5 feet in length)

(c) Verified proof of voter fraud (vote cast by a Kenyan during 2008 U.S. election)

(d) Verified Kenyan pajamas, found in White House Lincoln bedroom