Put up a little table and next to your tip hat situate a big bowl of figgy pudding with a ladle, paper plates, and plastic spoons. You can obtain ample dried figs, in their original wrapping, from the Trader Joe’s dumpsters. Happy holidays!
$1 – I show up dressed as a banker and say, “Hey, what’s going on here?”
$2 – I show up dressed as a midwestern retired person wearing Tea Party buttons, and shout, “You’re all terrorists!”
$3 – I set up a table as a stockbroker, peddling tip sheets for $100 a pop.
$4 – I dress up as a cop and go around asking young women if I can manacle them.
$5 – I set up a short-sale table.
$10 – I show up as the head of Goldman Sachs and shout that I’ll hire the first hundred folks to hand me a resume, because I respect go-getters. I’ll need to be up on a stand to avoid being trampled.
Free – I hang out selling MJ by the joint.
If you’re down around 23rd and 5th, stop on the corner and say hello, even if you’re too strapped in this double-dip economy to throw a buck or two into my hat.
I will peel vegetables for you, at the following rates:
Free – Your banana.
$1 – A dozen smooth spuds.
$2 – A dozen spuds with those annoying eyes all over them to dig out.
$3 – A dozen cukes, so you don’t have those rinds I hate in your salad.
$4 – Two bunches of broccoli. Don’t tell me that you throw this vegetable into the water unpeeled, to turn gray and mushy, and then serve it to your innocent and unsuspecting children.
$5 – A dozen peaches, after you put them in hot water to loosen the skins.
$10 – A pumpkin. Why would you want a peeled pumpkin? I’m not askin ha ha!
Watermelon – Please move along and take your watermelon with you.
Busking at 6th and 72nd.
My sign: WILL IMITATE PRESIDENTS FOR CASH
$1 Buchanan – Bachelor twerp who didn’t stop the Civil War.
$2 Arthur – NY Customs House grifter who slid in when war-hero Garfield got shot.
$3 Cleveland – A fat guy. Grover, so you know how I’m going to handle that.
$4 Taft – Another fat guy. Sort of like Oliver Hardy.
$5 T. Roosevelt – Googly-eyed, toothy hyper dude.
I got rousted from 7th and 62nd so I moved over to 8th and 64th. Officer O’Reilly’s beat stops at 63rd.
My sign: NAME A SONG AND I’LL PERFORM IT. 25 CENTS.
Drop your money in the hat and name the song.
If I don’t know the song, I’ll improvise the music and lyrics.
1. If you don’t like that, I will give your quarter to Anne and ask her to try.
2. If you don’t like her version, Anne will give your quarter to James and ask him to try.
3. If you don’t like his version, James will give your quarter to Judith and ask her to try.
4. If you don’t like her version, Judith will give your quarter to Arnie and ask him to try.
5. If you don’t like his version, Anne, James, Judith, Arnie, and I will take off our hats, stand in a line, and with our hands over our hearts, sing the National Anthem. Then please move along.
You’ll find me at 7th and 62nd.
My sign: I’LL SING YOUR SONG. 25 CENTS.
Put your money in the hat and name your song.
1. I’ll tell you that I don’t know it. Do you know the words?
2. You tell me the words, or move on.
3. Do you know the music?
4. You hum the tune, or move on.
5. Can you sing the song, with those words and that tune?
If you perform the song, I’ll return your quarter. Otherwise, move on.