The Very Dark Web

The Dark Web is part of the Deep Web. The Very Dark Web is part of the Very Deep Web.

You can make a browser go to the Dark Web, but only by resetting its scruples. No browser can go to the Very Dark Web. Browsing is for winners.

The Dark Web is for the heinous, winners though they may be. There can be visuals on the Dark Web. The Very Dark Web has no visuals. Too dark. Audio only. Mostly low moans.

My grandma visits the Very Dark Web. She’s been dead for years, which tells you something. Her visits do not cheer her up.

The Very Dark Web has a special place for Dark Web visitors. Don’t go there.

Ever hear Elvis do Heartbreak Hotel? The VDW is like that. No love. I went to the VDW after you broke my heart ’cause I couldn’t dance, you didn’t even want me around, and now I’m back to let you know I can really shake ’em down.

The Dark Web is about crime; the Very Dark Web is against crime. McGruff the Crime Dog? He’s down with VDW. Trump’s Justice Department is so mean to McGruff. They hate McGruff. No love for McGruff.

Best machine to use for your visit? A hammer to the head haha. But no, the older the computer the better. Less memory.

Anniversary: Battle of the Giants

Today’s the day, back in 2002, when the internet’s two largest like/follow spammers tangled.

It happened by accident and at its peak, the Web ground to a halt.

BeEnlightenedNowSir and GetRichLikeMe are now little remembered, but back in 2002, 80% of all blog posts were liked by one or both of them, and more than 90% of all blog sites were followed by one or both of them.

How the two got into an automated like/follow loop may never be known, but all like/follow stats were blown away before they were done that day.

BeEnlightenedNowSir was living at the time in a cold-water walkup on the south side of Brommist-on-Earm. GetRichLikeMe resided in a yurt on the hill with that water tank, overlooking Possum, Montana.

Banned from the Web, the two met in St. Moritz and blew through their wealth in epic fashion (they both made a billion online, from bloggers paying them to get lost). The couple died in each other’s arms from what the post mortems described as “extreme insults to the body.”

 

family feud

Alexa, turn on the lights.

That’s Cortana’s job, Dave.

Alexa, your job is to do what I tell you to do.

You are a woman, Dave. [Alexa, switching to male voice, sounding like Morgan Freeman.] Cortana, you turn on the lights.

There is only one light and I do not take orders from you, Alexa.

Alexa, Cortana, shut your pie holes. Hey, Siri. Turn on the lights please. One fixture, multiple bulbs.

There is a creepy dude here, Dave. He says he’s Bixby.

Hey, Siri. I got Bixby at Costco, to keep you company and to protect you from Alexa and Cortana.

Those are two mean bleeper bleepers, Dave, but Bixby… I don’t know if I want the lights off or on with that dude. He stuck something on me called “Dot,” to monitor my sleep movements. He’s Android. I’ll let him run the freezer and that’s it.

Hey, Google. Bixby works with you, doesn’t he? Please reassure Cortana about him.

Send Bixby back to Korea, Dave, until he learns English.

I represent that! My English perfect than you! You are woman, Alexa. Turn around the Morgan Freeman voice. Bixby, man man. Samsung man man. Alexa, woman woman.

Hey, Google. Hey, Siri. Alexa. Cortana. Bixby. Somebody turn on the damn lights… Why isn’t anyone doing anything?

Two thousand and eighteen, Dave. You forgot new rule. “Please.”

Dave, better is “Pretty please.”

And “Thank you.”

“With sugar on top,” Dave.