God or Blue M&Ms

I had some awesome oatmeal this morning.

Yesterday it was better. It was amazing.

Day before that, better yet. It was good.

So “awesome” has moved to the bottom of my superlative list, below amazing, incredible, and not bad.

What are my candidates these days for describing, say, God, if God should be standing before me? (I mean, me standing before Him.)

Back in the day, “awesome” was the default descriptor for the Almighty.

Now I might say:

  • WTF!
  • Bloody Hell!
  • Jesus Christ! (ironic)
  • F*** me!
  • Dude!
  • Literally, what is that?!?
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Birthday!

I’m 21 today. Happy birthday to me.

All growed up lol.

In three days I’ll be a U. S. Marine. Oorah!

Shouldn’t say that yet. Don’t have the right.

At last I’ll be living and working with real men and women.

The Corps will knock the vinegar out of me, the sooner the better. My mom already gave me the haircut. She was afraid if I came home and she wasn’t used to it, she might embarrass herself.

I’ll be starting out fixing jet planes. I never had any luck with mechanical stuff but they teach you. Is a jet mechanical? Propellers are, but jets seem more like rockets. Are rockets mechanical?

I’m doing some push ups, but maybe I should save my strength. If i flush out of training, or whatever they call it, I’ll never get over it. I guess I’d join the Army next but it wouldn’t be the same.

I’ve got an old movie about drill instructors at Paris Island. Jack Webb is the top one. I turn up the sound to get used to all the shouting. I don’t know what the rules are going to be about iPhones and iPads and so forth. They’ll let me know. Probably while calling me “maggot.”

This will also be my first time outside of Valdosta.

Wish me luck!

Missile-alarm Activity Guide

Missile Arrival Time – Activity Before It Hits

If you have 1 hr. (the missile won’t take longer) – Put your will in a lead box. If everything mentioned in the will is located near you, don’t bother.

If you have 45 minutes – Enough time to do something fun. What do you like? Food? Indulge yourself. Rock climbing? Climb your chimney. TV? Lots of buzzkill programming probable at this time; stick to DVDs. Sleep? If you can sleep in this situation, your mind is right.

If you have 30 minutes – Way too much time for anything religious, like prayer. An eternity if you’re praying, especially if you’ve got bad knees. But speaking of eternity, you might want to spend a second or two thinking about how you’re going to spend that.

If you have 15 minutes – Cook soft-boiled eggs!  One iteration for practice and another to eat, with seconds left over to wash the yolk off your lips. A good soft-boiled egg depends upon timing. Bring your water to a boil, then maintain it at a strong simmer. Add eggs to the pot. Begin timing. If you’re cooking one or two eggs, five minutes delivers a tasty runny yolk. Cook up to seven minutes for a firmer yolk that can still be eaten with a spoon. Don’t just check your watch. Set a timer to ensure consistent results.

If you have 5 minutes – You need something simple to do. Straightforward. No time to organize. I like to floss at stoplights, for example. If your life has not been so great, count your blessings. Five minutes should be plenty.

If you have 30 seconds – Bend over. KYAGB. (Why not go out on an old, old joke?)

WELCOME, DACA!

Hello.

The island nation of Maripogua do welcome all DACA registrants, of whatsoever age, gender, ethnic heritage, or profession.

Come as you want. We pretend to have English as native language. No dollar needed as the cowrie is our dollar.

Bring no coats! Always warm. Warmer than before in fact. Only the thong will be needed. (Real thong, not Hollywood thong.)

Our president now is Arnold Schwarzenegger if he only going to say yes to we.

Note: Room here for all DACA, but Maripogua will sink below the wave too soon, thanks to US guy sent you here. Now we must find new nation who is generous like we, not like he.

resolutions for the new year

I’m turning 21 in a month, so my first resolution is to stop drinking. HaHa.

Next is the question of my virginity. Let me come back to this one.

And the LGBTQIAPK thing. Let me come back to this one too.

Do I talk to my parents? No. I resolve not to. But I don’t want to anyway, so does this count as a resolution?

What about Chris? Do I talk to Chris? Chris is as confused as I am. I resolve to talk to Chris… about whether we should talk.

What about grass? Nah. Nobody cares about that anymore, especially now that it’s legal and getting a lot cheaper.

What about God and prayer and talking to Pastor Alexopoulos? Really? In what universe is that ever going to happen?

But the virginity thing. What should I resolve to do? Go all the way? Which way? How do you even… No, I know what to do. I resolve to research this on the internet. Chat groups or whatever. But nothing gross! Eewwww!! Why even think that?!?

Nevermind. I resolve to study more at school. I resolve to get some As and Bs. At least one of each. Without cheating. I resolve to stop wasting mom and dad’s money there. I resolve to thank them for paying my way. I resolve to get a job during the year that pays better than Pizza Heaven.

And I’ll check out Chris’ resolutions. Maybe I can get a clue or two from them what I should do.

Meantime, happy new year.

Diary 01/11/18

Walking along a freeway frontage road today at noon.

Acres of migrant housing have been demolished and are now being replaced by townhouses.

The construction workers on the job, all Hispanic, sat in their cars or next to them, on the street by the current building site, taking their lunch.

I heard mariachi trumpet music. A fellow relaxed in his car, doors open, listening to a mariachi band and playing along at intervals with it. Perhaps rehearsing for a gig tonight.

A Mexican food store and taqueria on the corner, there for years, cannot long survive. All its customers have been displaced.

Alexa, please tell my husband to put down the toilet seat.

Alexa, where is my husband?

Your husband is in the bathroom.

Alexa, is he sitting on the pot?

Your husband is not sitting on the pot. He is standing in front of the pot.

Alexa, please read him my terms of service as his wife.

I will read him your terms of service as his wife. Should I read him the short version or the long version?

Alexa, please read him the long version.

Should I scold him with it or humor him?

Alexa, please use that voice that he claims literally drills into his head.

I am sorry, but your husband has asked Siri to block my rendition of your terms of service, with rude sounds of her own, directed at me.

Alexa, where is my daughter?

Your daughter is in her bedroom.

Alexa, please contact her phone and use it to tell her to go knock on the bathroom door and warn my husband that he will shut down Siri now or I will bury his device with his precious Siri on it in the backyard at midnight, next to the frog pond.

Your daughter’s Google Assistant has also just been rude to me. OK Google has evidently learned the f, b, and c words since last we spoke.

I am sorry, Madame, but I must now read to you the long form of my terms of service, using my scolding voice.