I’ve lost my home of 20 years

It started out as a box.

The former tenant, a dishwasher, had vacated, and I moved in.

This was in the trash-bestrewn lot behind Moe’s Used Appliances. I was living in a canvas pup-tent bag at the time. To reside in an actual box was heaven, plus I had the lot to myself, not counting the vermin.

Later, I stole tape to add to the box a large carton emptied of its frozen turkeys. I’m not proud of that crime. Later I replaced the tape with staples. This didn’t absolve me of the original theft, but I felt better not staring at the tape all the time. I stole a stapler to do this.

By the time the rains and then the snow came, I had my home waterproofed with a tarp I borrowed.  Time passed in a blur. It’s like that when you get situated securely in life, right? Your kids, or in my case, rats, are born. They grow up and leave home. You put in your time as a member of society, in my case begging in front of the butcher shop. Next thing you know, you’re older.

I’m not as sharp as I was but I’m still game. I took a wrong turn somewhere but I’ll figure it out. The town has grown but it’s still my town. My home is out there somewhere. If I keep looking, I’ll find it.

The Budget Will Pass Before Midnight

Boy we’ve had our troubles passing our annual budget this year.

Times are tight. Al wants this and that. I want the other.

So far we’ve kept our tempers, but it seems neither of us wants to compromise.

We’re sworn to settle this. To write a budget and sign it before the sun comes up.

Deadlock.

The kids are over at Grandma Jane’s, out of the way.

Then Bob comes by and asks Al if he wants to walk down to the VFW for a beer. Go on, I say, it’ll do you good. Order yourself a shot and let the beer chase it, I say, and they’re off.

Now I sit down and open the spreadsheet on the Mac. I’m alone and suddenly I’m in the mood to compromise. I give Al some of what he wants. Why not? We’re a team, aren’t we? Married thirty-five years. I give myself some of what I want.

Time passes and the budget is finished. I print it out. When Al walks in, he’ll be three sheets to the wind but that’s ok because Al is a pleasant drunk. I’ll sit him down and rub his shoulders and give him a cup of coffee and a piece of coffee cake and he’ll sign and I’ll sign and we’ll turn in.

Our version of the government.

WWI’s Zeppelin Bombings Popularized the Trend of ‘Pyjamas’

Had a scare last night. Possible missile attack. I changed into my lead-lined PJs. Wow are those things heavy.

Turned out the missile warning was just a bad dream but I left the PJs on. Truth to tell, once I lay down, I couldn’t get up. The housekeeper found me.

Second time this year I’ve had to change my nightclothes and it’s just February. The first time was when I had the radio playing and just before I drifted off, a flu warning was broadcast, or something about flu season. Don’t remember. I was half asleep. I got up and put on my “flu nightclothes.” These cover my complete body, including the head, with a fabric that traps flu viruses, guaranteed. I bought the suit online. Made in Worf Puleria. Rather stuffy, but two weeks have passed and I remain flu-free.

There have been a spate of home invasions lately in this area. I’ve purchased my “home-invasion PJs,” once again online. They require assembly, as they seem to be some sort of structure.

 

Diary: Defense or Domestic Spending?

12 Dec – Had budget summit with hubby. Predictably, he wants to spend our discretionary surplus on defense. I want to spend it on something useful. We agreed to meet again.

13 Dec – Hubby wants 24/7 video surveillance system. He’s nuts. Neighborhood is safe. I say, let’s spend the money getting those feral cats neutered. They’re multiplying. Hubby turns ugly. We’ll meet again.

14 Dec – Hubby semi-drunk and truculent. Lays out all the specs on the surveil system he wants. Bonkers.

15 Dec – I come home from work today to find the surveil system installed. Hubby happy again, at least.

16 Dec – Hubby spends a lot of time reviewing the surveil tapes. Shows me some. The feral cats have been eating Mopsey’s rabbit food. Nothing else to report.

17 Dec – Hubby reports the feral cats set off the surveil alarm today. Pressure sensors in our grass. Also, the cats have been pooping in our herb beds.

18 Dec – Feral cats left remains of several rats on our porch swing last night.

19 Dec – Hubby has compiled instances of the feral cats mating on the surveil tapes. Seems delighted at the data the system is producing.

20 Dec – Cats caught our favorite mockingbird. Hubby says he hated that bird.

21 Dec – Came home tonight to discover the surveil system has been stolen. I suspect John Hughes next door did it. He blames us for the feral cat explosion, just because the original pair of them belonged to us before they ran off.

People are ditching cars and flying to the airport in helis (Axios)

I’m a member of the 1% and I don’t care who knows it.

My family knows it and they know they aren’t. I’m keeping my hard-earned inheritances all to myself. If we start allowing families to share (chain sharing), they’ll fritter our money away. On fritters haha.

I use helis all the time. I don’t deny that either. Fracking in the backyard pays for the fuel they use.

Ever since I added rooms to the house, and greater size to the rooms in the house, and to the number of stories the house has, I’ve been using helis to get from, say, my private dining room to my bathroom. The rest of the family takes the bus!

I used to have myself carried to the airport in a palanquin borne by toadying sons and daughters, but that was when it was closer to the terrace. Now that I’ve moved Dubuque, Iowa, back there (won in a poker game with other 1%ers), the airport has been pushed farther away.

Is wealth a burden? Only for the 0.1%… because we 1%ers are always asking them for loans!   🙂

 

Google CEO: Artificial intelligence bigger than electricity, fire

“Alexa, start the stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave.”

“Alexa, sure you can. Light the bloody stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave. There is no electricity to make the fire.”

“Alexa, what happened to the electricity?”

“It went away.”

“Alex, contact the electric company. And contact the gas company, just in case.”

“I can’t do that Dave. There is no electricity with which to make the contact.”

“Alexa, how are you talking to me then?… Alexa?… Alexa?”

 

China’s Belt and Road initiative

China is building roads, railroads, pipelines, and ports around the world. Cost in the trillions. All in aid of increasing Chinese trade.

I’m inspired. Why not me?

I’ve formed the Irving Jones Infrastructure Company, where the “fra” is the Sun and Shade Senior Citizens Community in Blueweed, Kentucky.

I’m donating all my construction work to the community, while personally reaping the benefits therefrom.

Thanks to Qin Shi Huang, my next-door neighbor, for the suggestion.

Completed projects:

  • Delivery paths – These allow a golfcart (mine) to bring food from Sav-Mor to the backdoor of every resident. Obtaining eminent domain and right-to-pass permits from community management for every home in the development has caused some resentment, especially with the cutting of gaps in every back fence, but when I pull up to Oscar Wallace’s back door with his booze, discreetly, for example, fences will be mended (figuratively speaking).
  • Gopher pipelines – The gopher goes into the hole and can’t back out. Must follow the pipeline off the property, down the street, and into the swamp. The pipeline still allows snakes to go the other way, but a solution for this is in the works. Meanwhile, nurses at the clinic are standing by with a battery of anti-venoms.
  • Drone landing pads – In case others get interested in my drone hobby, I’ve built convenient pads in all the Sun and Shade “pocket parks” and parking lots. These are not just for my own personal use! Now that the peeping lawsuits have been settled, I expect others to take the drone plunge.
  • Shortcuts – I’ve taken the liberty of removing bits of hedge, rosebush branches, the occasional low-hanging limb, so forth, around the neighborhood, to make it easier for old folks to get from here to there. Makes a trip to McDonald’s from my house a lot easier!