Fifty Shades of Teenage Gray

I’m grounded for the day because my boyfriend got me back home last night after midnight. My mom threw a fit. She does not understand what’s going on between Marcus and me and I am not going to try and explain it to her. I can’t even explain it to Marcus.

So now I’m here alone and I thought I’d count the shades we’ve got up in here:

18 lamp shades

11 window shades on the house’s sunny side

5 pairs of sunglasses

6 patches of shade under the shade trees

2 ghosts – Granny and Pop-Pop

3 more ghosts – the cats Fishy, Whiskers and Whiskers Junior

1 “shades of all the things I dream up to pass time!”

4 shades (Mom, Dad, my brother and me) (non-PC term but I’m black so I can use it)

…and what do you know, that’s 50 shades.

Ask Sister Theresa: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Dear Sister Theresa,

We are five lovers, recently married in Goosefeather, California.

We are:

Carl,  assigned sex = male, gender identity = male, sexual orientation = cis

Eunice, assigned sex = female, gender identity = female, sexual orientation = cis

Nancy, assigned sex = male, gender identity = female, sexual orientation = cis

Tom, assigned sex = female, gender identity = male, sexual orientation = cis

Brad, assigned sex = male, gender identity = male, sexual orientation = gay

Our problem is that Brad, our only non-cis marriage member, is having trouble fitting in. Or adjusting, might be a better way to put it.

We have “hit the social scene” searching for a solution and have found 4 new potential marriage partners:

Paul,  assigned sex = male, gender identity = male, sexual orientation = bi

Cheryl, assigned sex = female, gender identity = female, sexual orientation = lesbian

Lucy, assigned sex = male, gender identity = female, sexual orientation = intersex

Gordon, assigned sex = female, gender identity = male, sexual orientation = polysex

Do you think Brad may find a more complete true-love connection if we add these prospects to our marriage?

Sister Theresa responds:

Wow. You guys have got me in a bit of a pickle here. When I was Brother John, I had some strong ideas on this subject, but now that I’m Sister Theresa, I’m lucky to get my wimple on straight in the morning.

open letter to “madison from altoona”

hi, madison.

i have deleted your comments on this site, as i’m not too sure about the nature or extent of the obscenity laws here in alabama. i do know that it is not unusual for folks driving a toyota prius to be pulled over on county roads in the piney woods in the dead of night, even though the vehicle is to be manufactured in this very state (!). so leaving a digital trail of anything even vaguely suggesting an interest in miscegenation could lead to a possibly fatal encounter sometime with the local constabulary.

privacy! i am bedeviled by my difficulty in obtaining and maintaining it. i send out my wardrobe on a daily basis to be laundered.

having said all that, thanks for the selfies. smartphones have so much memory these days. who could guess that they might hold a thousand pictures of one person. i truly feel that i know you, inside and out, if we go ahead and count your glottis.

i’ve measured the distance between altoona and goats corner and i propose that we meet halfway between, in the speedway convenience store, 513 s. mayo trail, paintsville, ky. it’s open 24/7  and its sanitary facilities are said to be spotless.

with love, your thurston.