Romanian study: Half-day old snow is safe to eat (Curierul Național)

Nature has spent millions of years equipping us with inborn reflexes that cause us to reject unhealthy food at a sniff or a taste. Lower your nose to a basket of greasy fried chicken or a bag of fresh Cheetos. You’re revolted because you know these foods are bad for… wait a minute. Have I disproved evolution?

You know what they say about eating snow, so I won’t repeat it.

The big question is, what’s going on in Romania?

I’m right next door in Bulgaria – over the border from Bucharest, in a village on the Danube. It’s cold. Ice and snow. The edible snow on sale at the market? They can’t give it away, and this is quarter-day snow I’m talking about, not half-day.

Most of the villagers here have gardens. They grow their own vegetables, so their market purchases are meager. Go over for dinner and that’s fresh-shoveled snow they’re serving you. Less than an hour old in many cases (except in summer, when they bring it up from the root cellar).

Snow is frozen water, according to the news. I myself learned in school that ice was frozen water, but I’m no scientist!  All I know is, if you let snow sit there, it doesn’t magically turn into something else. You could come back in a thousand years and it would still be snow, as long as your pig and your goats and your dogs stay off it, and your truck is not leaking too much oil, and you maintain your septic tank according to its warranty, and your relatives from the country don’t come to visit, and you aren’t too close to the Black Sea with its Turkish and Ukrainian tourists, and the crows don’t come back, and the frequent earthquakes don’t continue to open up the medieval crypts, and the snow poachers, God rot them, are apprehended, and the effluent from the nuclear plant is rerouted into the river.

Pamphlet of snow recipes is available here for лв25.

Higashikagoro Uses Loudspeakers To Recall Fugu

Fugu (河豚; 鰒; フグ) is a dish prepared from pufferfish (genus Takifugu, Lagocephalus, or Sphoeroides) or porcupinefish (genus Diodon). Fugu can be lethally poisonous due to the presence of tetrodotoxin in the body of the fish.

In 1968, the small Japanese town of Higashikagoro was decimated due to the anger of chef Oishi Kuranosuke, the only chef in the only cafe in town. Oishi was preparing a dinner to be shared by the populace in Higashikagoro during their celebration of the town’s founding in the distant past, when his girlfriend Tomoe Gozen accused him of insufficient care in his preparation of the celebratory fugu. Obtuse and stubborn in the extreme, Oishi swore revenge upon her for her outburst.

All partook of the chef’s meal, including the chef himself. Only Ms. Gozen abstained.

Today, Ms. Gozen, the sole inhabitant of Higashikagoro for the past fifty years, used the municipal loudspeakers to recall for tourists the night of the banquet, the fugu, and in particular, Oishi Kuranosuke’s excruciating final moments.

The Squirrel Diet

You cannot keep the fat off unless you change your lifestyle in a sustainable way with regard to what you eat.

First rule of the squirrel diet: Tell no one you are on it! You’ll see why.

Second rule of the squirrel diet: Never go into a store to buy food.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know and do.

Naturally, you’ll want to eat vegetables. Look around the neighborhood. See any? You can eat nasturtiums. You can make rose-hip tea. The North Koreans harvest and eat grass.

Be cognizant of your neighbors feelings for their plants. Try to harvest unseen.

What about the core of your diet, protein?

Again, look around you. Rats and mice are good little food packets but they come out at night. If you make wine with “local” grapes, you may be out of the picture before the sun sets.

Squirrels are just about right. Note: use a small-caliber gun or the bullet will blow away most of the meat.

We sell the popular book “Squirrel on a Stick: 100 Great Squirrel Recipes.” Contact us for a copy.

Once you’ve settled in to your new life, you can expand your protein sources. Raccoons require a slightly larger bullet. Cats and dogs make good eatin but once again, remain cognizant of your neighbors’ feelings for their pets. Some even love them.

[More on squirrels]

 

Radioactive Home Remedies

Learn Fun Facts recently posted a blog entry I wrote on the subject of radioactive nostrums.

Thanks, Edmark!

The Lamb of God

I have commented previously on God’s wife (here, here, and here), children (here), and dog (here and here).

I now refer you to John 1:29.

I’m just messing with you. The subject here is not Jesus, but the best spice to use when you want to enjoy a great big saddle of greasy lamb.

Consider these:

Cumin – Brash and stinky, like the lambs. (Jesus was not happy with the LOG nickname. He saw immediately where they were going with that.)

Rosemary – The name of Jesus’ first lamb. (Although a carpenter, Jesus spent a lot of time in lamb-rich environments. Despite being designated the LOG, he, like most of us, ate lamb.)

Vadouvan – French curry powder. As a boy, Jesus had the chore of currying the lambs. (Jesus started out resolving to eat nothing that cast a shadow [shoutout to “Transamerica” (2005)], but ended up eating meat even before the Archfiend had a chance to tempt him to do so.]

Harissa – North African chile paste. But also the name of my first girlfriend. What’s the opposite of lamb? Cause that was her. (Jesus never slaughtered a lamb. This is discussed at length in the Book of Julia in the Apocrypha. The lamb talked him out of it. Like Doctor Dolittle and Tarzan, Jesus could speak to the animals and the animals would do what he said, within reason.)

Sumac – Used before the lemon was discovered. Fruity, sour, and colorful. Popular with people of the book [أهل الكتاب‎ ]. (What did they eat at the last supper? Not lamb, that’s for damn sure.)

Air-Frying, a Fun Food Trend

We love to cook here in Casa Udomratchaniwet! Join us in trying out air-frying!

Note up front: When you hear about air-fryers for the kitchen, those things don’t actually fry. Important to know, because all they do is circulate hot air around the food using high-powered fans. They’re just counter-top convection ovens. But we want fried food. We don’t want to blow dry a chocolate banana.

Again, if you read about air-frying on the internet and don’t see the words “hot oil” used frequently, you’re in the wrong place. There is no frying without hot oil.

Another reminder from our past cooking posts: Avoid clean oil. You will obtain best results with used oil, the more “used” (or dirty!) the better. In Casa Udomratchaniwet, we cook with oil passed down in the family. Does oil “go bad” you ask. Well, you heat it up till it’s boiling. What does that tell you? You’re boiling germs in oil! Anything floating in the oil, leave be. Even the insects, and building materials, if you’re re-doing your kitchen.

Now, what you’ve been waiting for: How to get that boiling oil up into the air with the raw meat, vegetables, ice cream, doughnuts, and other food to be deep-fat fried.

Options:

  1. “Defending the Castle” – Lug the boiling oil up to the top of a tall stepladder in a leather pot. Pretend that the food to be fried is an attacking Jute, Angle, or Saxon warrior scaling the walls. Your home is your castle! Pour the oil on the warrior.
  2. “Spit Take” – Coat your mouth with that salve that flame-eating circus performers use. Have someone tell you something funny and spew boiling oil out of your gob.
  3. “Blessing the Food” – Go down to your local Catholic church and borrow their aspergillum (the kind that’s a silver ball on a stick, not the brush). Fill the aspergillum with boiling oil. Twirl it around over the food, sprinkling the oil.
  4. “Thanksgiving Showdown” – Invite a dozen neighbors over to your living rooom and equip each with a turkey baster (Amazon heat-resistant basters, $60/dozen; holsters, $1.99 each).  Throw up food into the air. I mean, throw food up into the air. Quick-draw basting fry party!!

Remember, friends. Anything that can be eaten can be fried!

5 Guaranteed Weight-loss Services

Five plans available this month. These offers are limited!

  • All plans County-approved. Your taxes, parking tickets, and speed-trap violations help pay for your treatment.
  • Double refund if you are not satisfied!
  • No fat shaming! You are beautiful/handsome just the way you are. Perhaps you just want to drop a few sizes for bikini season, or squeeze into that old suit for a funeral (not yours, haha).
  • Our offices are located in that old warehouse that you thought was abandoned, down by the river on 238th Street.
  • Lose weight and we’ll treat your fat twin for free!

Notice: Each plan is implemented with loving attention. Weight loss is not easy! The path to good health is sometimes long, arduous, and risky. There are no fat people in the cemetery – at least not after they’ve been there awhile.

**OUR PLANS**

  1. LIPO MADNESS – Reach your target weight in one session. We will not stop until you are below your target weight, no matter what. This is our quickest, most efficient offering. Double refund is transferable.
  2. INCARCERATION NATION – You will not be released from County lockup until your target goal is reached. The County’s jailbird diet and outdoor work program will keep you right on track.
  3. KIDNAP KUBBY – We will release you when you have lost the weight you paid in advance to lose. You lose and we can’t lose.
  4. AGGRAVATION SENSATION – The County will rescind your ex’s restraining order until your weight goal is attained.
  5. SLEEPY BYE – We will remove the IV when you have slimmed down, as specified in your contract. You will have the option to buy the IV and medications for your own private use, after.

Call today. We’ll send a car (or flatbed, haha) over for you.