I’m one of those women with terrible taste in men. Every time I escape from a disastrous relationship, I swear that I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll never make the same stupid mistake again.
I lick my wounds and fall for some other dope.
Is that what happened when I met Joshua Smith, or did I finally get it right?
I was volunteering for his campaign and we came face to face at a fundraiser. This handsome, powerful-looking man. And bright. But not too bright.
After a brief chat, he asked me out to dinner the following evening. To discuss the campaign. The next think I knew, we were dining at Carbone’s in Hartford, me in my new Anthropologie cocktail dress, which I bought that afternoon for the occasion.
This guy. Perfect. I mean it. The most positive, optimistic, unambitious person I’ve ever known. Not a whiff of phony.
I kept waiting for the bad news. It never came. That week, anyway, or the next. Josh had lost two elections in the past ten years, but this time he was in the lead. Ten years ago, he was an amnesia victim who decided to run for local office. Quixotic. No one knew who he was or what he had done. He was slaughtered in the election. Then he involved himself completely in community affairs and the second time he ran, he did much better, although he still lost. This third time, the voters had ten solid years of his political and community history to go on, and they liked what they saw.
Josh moved me onto his personal staff. I was a total amateur but none of the others seemed to mind. It felt like family.
We got seriously serious, Josh and I. The temperature was rising. That’s when he popped my balloon.
We were eating barbecue at Black-Eyed Sally’s before heading back to his place.
“Eloise,” he said, “there’s something I must tell you.”
Oops. Here it comes. Wife? Impotence? Gambling addiction? The mob?
“Yes?” I said. Kept eating. Didn’t want this to spoil a great dinner.
“This is going to sound strange. Unbelievable. You’re going to think I’m crazy.”
“You’re probably right,” I said, “based on my previous experience.”
“Only a few people know this. I’ll never be elected if it gets out. I’m telling you because I know that I can trust you. I’m falling in love with you, Eloise, and I know that you have feelings for me too.”
“I have a feeling those feelings might be heading in the other direction soon.”
“Maybe so. That’s why I’m telling you this now, before we get in any deeper. To be fair to you.”
I studied my plate with its remaining rib. Could this be a good excuse to order a few more? A silver lining? A consolation prize? I’d be a fool to miss the chance if it were.
“I’m an alien,” Josh said.
“You’re not documented? I don’t believe it. You’re running for office and you’re not even a citizen? I must be dreaming. I thought you weren’t a dope. I was convinced you weren’t a dope. You know what? You’re a dope.”
“It’s worse than that,” Josh said. “Or better, depending upon your point of view.”
Uh oh. What happened to my appetite? I put down my fork. Suddenly I didn’t even want dessert, never mind more ribs. Now the rib on my plate looked lonely. Unappreciated.
Another drink might be good, though.
“Well, go on,” I said.
“There’s no easy way to say this… When I tell you that I’m an alien, I do mean alien.”
I put my head in my hands.
“Tell me this isn’t happening. I finally, finally get it right with a guy… What, you’ve got a tinfoil hat in your pocket?”
But hold on. In a case like this, being a little crazy is a lot better than being undocumented. Congress is full of crazies. In fact, they could be getting crazier. Sometimes it seems that way.
“Great,” I said. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first crazy person I’ve dated, and with my luck, probably not the last.”
I was glad I bought the cocktail dress, even if it was for barbecue with a Martian.
“Of course it sounds crazy,” Josh said. “I won’t mention it again. I was honor bound to tell you, but now I’ve done that. If you want to break it off, I’ll understand. I won’t like it, but I’ll understand.”
I sat there. I thought about getting up and leaving. Gosh, he was so darn handsome. So quiet and self-assured. But intense. Intense in a mild, good way. A way that led to high poll numbers. Would it be so bad, dating a guy who thought he wasn’t human? He had all the human parts I needed. We had proved that. He’d already sent me to outer space a time or two.
I sighed. My appetite came tip-toeing back.
“You told me,” I said. “I appreciate that. You risked the love that we’ve started to feel for each other. That took courage. Let’s try to move on, without discussing the matter further.”
And so we did. The campaign intensified. Not another sign of weirdness from Josh. I was thankful that we were all so busy, because otherwise I would have just swooned into a puddle of love.
Our opponent, Bruce Parducci, liked to compare Josh’s past to his own humble beginnings and extended family. Josh met the issue head on.
“My opponent grew up poor, but in a loving family,” Josh would say, never mentioning the Parducci family’s criminal connections, which were well known in Hartford. “I congratulate Mr. Parducci on his success in life and his strongly held values. I simply don’t agree with his political philosophy. Meanwhile, as he points out, my past extends back only ten years, to a time when I was afflicted with total amnesia. Perhaps in my youth I too was a member of a loving family. Perhaps I was poor. Perhaps I was rich. We don’t know.
“As voters, you have only my record for the past decade to go on. It speaks for itself.”
It seemed to speak well, according to the polls.
I didn’t move in with Josh officially, because of the campaign, but we were effectively living together. After that one little bump in the road at Black-Eyed Sally’s, I just kept falling.
Then came a crisis. A fellow in Waterbury accused Josh of murdering his brother a dozen years before. Without any memories or clues as to his whereabouts during that time, Josh couldn’t effectively deny the accusation. Parducci declined to comment.
“This is baloney,” I said to Josh. “Parducci is behind it.”
“Probably. Don’t worry about it,” Josh said.
“Have you seen the polls?”
“They’ll go back up when I’m proven innocent.”
“And how is that going to happen, pray tell?”
“There are some folks working on it.”
“There are some folks? What folks? Which folks?”
“You haven’t met them yet. They’ve been important in getting me on the right track to office this time. The first two times I ran, I was on my own.”
“Why don’t I know about them? I thought we had no secrets from each other.”
“It’s not a secret. It’s connected to that confession I made to you. The one we don’t talk about.”
I knew what he meant.
“Don’t say any more,” I said.
I assumed he was sunk, but lo and behold, the Waterbury police announced two days later that they had procured, in fact, DNA associated with the case. The candidate was invited to provide a sample of his own, for comparison purposes.
“You’re going to do it, of course,” I said. “I’m sure there is no chance…”
“I can’t give them a sample. My DNA would raise eyebrows, to put it mildly,” he said. “Besides, my friends planted the DNA that the police so conveniently just found. It isn’t mine.”
“There is only one way your DNA could raise eyebrows and that’s if it matched the police evidence.”
“No, there’s another way. The way we don’t talk about.”
How silly of me. Of course. Alien DNA!
“We’re in love, right?” I said.
“Our mutual love… it has implications.”
“A lifetime together,” Josh said, “for example.”
“I can live with a guy who thinks he’s an alien,” I said, “as long as it doesn’t impact me, or us, day-to-day. The police have to see your DNA. I don’t think you’re a murderer, of course, but let’s do a little diligence here.”
“The murder accusation is a fabrication created and bruited about by Parducci,” Josh said. “Without resolution of the charge, I’ll lose the election. So this is what I propose. Today, you find a local DNA testing center. There are plenty of them in Hartford. Call one. Make an appointment. They all have a menu of tests you can order. It’s all confidential. Most of them don’t even provide their address until you make an appointment and pay a fee.
“We’ll drive over to the lab and let them take a sample from me and run the test. OK? If the results come back normal, I promise that I’ll drive over to Waterbury immediately and let the police test me there. But if the test results aren’t normal, my friends will help us with a sample that will resolve the issue in my favor. With that, we’ll put this behind us.”
I agreed. I didn’t bother asking him what he’d say if the tests came back normal. I’m sure that in his delusion, he’d have an explanation handy. Fine. Just as long as he drove over to Waterbury and proved that he wasn’t a murderer. Proved it to me, that is.
I scheduled us at a lab on Farmington. Josh provided a sample on demand. We waited.
The tests did not come back normal. The lab apologized and speculated that the sample had been corrupted somehow. It was “all messed up.”
The following day, the media reported that Josh’s DNA (provided by his friends) had been checked by the Waterbury PD and that he was not the killer.
What did I make of all this? As a woman in love, I was relieved. Confused, but relieved. If I can love a man who thinks he’s an alien, I can love a man with goofy DNA. I think.
We were in bed with the lights out the following night.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “What about children?”
“That won’t be a problem,” Josh said.
“I can’t explain why not without talking about the forbidden subject.”
“We’re having breakfast together in the morning, right? You won’t be rushing off?”
“I won’t rush off.”
“Let’s talk about this then. I need to think about it.”
Obviously, the simple statement that Josh was an alien was not going to be quite enough for me. Not in view of this DNA development, and Josh’s mysterious “helpers.”
“Just tell me enough,” I said at breakfast, “to reassure me that we can spend a normal life together.”
“I can do that,” Josh said. “It’ll make me sound quite delusional, but you already think I’m delusional.”
I sat there and held my breath. Yes, I was in love. Desperate love. But how much could I hear before I’d be forced to walk away? Josh looked so calm, so contained, so handsome, sitting across from me. I was still in one of my total-swoon periods.
“I’m risking our relationship, talking about this,” he said. “I understand that. Unfortunately, reality has a way of intruding into life. If this DNA issue hadn’t arisen, something else would have come up.”
I drank some coffee.
“I’ll give you the short version. If that’s good enough, we’ll resume our silence about this. If it isn’t, we’ll take a walk down at Great River Park after the rally this afternoon, and we can talk some more.”
“I’m on vacation,” Josh said. “I’m a politician on sabbatical. I bought a tour package through a travel agency. I’m here for sixty years, from age thirty to age ninety. It’s a political package. I’m guaranteed election to state office within three tries or ten years, whichever comes first. I thought it would be fun.”
“You’re vacationing on Earth,” I said, though I had sworn to myself that I’d keep my mouth shut.
“Lots of… of vacationers come to Earth. It’s primitive, it can be dangerous, but you can buy anything you want here. Sort of like spending a weekend in Tijauna.”
“And this vacation will last sixty years.”
“We’re long-lived. The tour was on sale. I got a deal.”
“OK, stop,” I said. “I think I’ve reached my limit.”
I left him to finish his breakfast. I took a shower, dressed, and went to to work.
How could I have let this romance go on for so long? But why not? I can’t describe how lovable, how steady, how altogether totally cool this man was. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I melted when he paid attention to me. I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I was in love. My God, I wanted this guy.”
We walked by the river after the rally. I told him to continue.
His current body, it seemed, had belonged to a George Martin, who died homeless and unidentified in Los Angeles ten years ago. Aged thirty at the time of his death. The travel bureau obtained his cadaver, reanimated it, did some work on the face so that he wouldn’t be recognized in the future, and then stuck Josh’s mind inside him somehow. Voila.
“The bureau usually doesn’t bother with backstory,” Josh said. “An amnesia claim is simpler and safer.”
“How can you love me if you’re an alien?”
“Why not? I’m using George Martin’s brain, with a little superego smeared over it. I do love you. In fact, I want to marry you.”
That took a minute to sink in.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. My lifelong dream come true. A marriage proposal from a tourist from Quidrxxixz.
“What about children and your corrupted DNA?” I said.
“George Martin’s DNA got tweaked during the reanimation. That’s normal. The travel bureau has a supply of Martin’s sperm for us.”
“When would this marriage happen?”
“If you want a fancy wedding, after the election,” Josh said. “Otherwise, let’s get a license tomorrow.”
“And then… work, and raise a family, and grow old together?”
“Yep. Neither of us will ever get sick. Nor will the children. That’s part of the package. At age ninety, I’ll need to leave. If you choose, you can come with me. Transformed, of course. Our children and grandchildren will have to stay here, but we can visit, for years if we want.”
I said yes. Since we’ve been married, I’ve never caught a cold and I’m no longer allergic to cats.