Five Future Professions

In the future, machines – robots and otherwise – will do everything that needs doing. They’ll make everything, deliver everything, organize everything. Cater to our every need. Almost.

Humans, though, being human, will want to be useful, to matter, to work, to make a living. Herewith, the five most popular professions of the future, workers in which will all be available for you to hire when the Millennium arrives:

  1. Gofer – The drones will come and go, dropping off everything you need through the slots in your roof, but nothing beats leaning back and saying, “Hey, Bernie. Run down to the corner and buy me a pack of smokes, will ya?”
  2. Teacher – You’ll be able to learn anything you want from the learning machines, but that can’t match the warm feelings you’ll experience when the doorbell rings and Granny stands there with her knitting bag and spare needles. Or Uncle Pete, with a tool chest full of plungers, wrenches, and snakes.
  3. Wingperson – It’s the future. What do you know? You’ll need a bud to help figure it all out.
  4. What does this guy do? – You’ll see him or her around. Sometimes busy. Sometimes idle, likethe ones standing around the manhole (personnel access cover) in the street.
  5. Sex worker – Sure, there is the Orgazmatron. Androids for every taste. Endangered and extinct Animatronic beasts. But you need skin contact, not just rich Corinthian leather. The oldest profession will also be the final one.

Top 5 Worst Jobs

5. Kenny (2006) – If a woman reports to you that she’s dropped her wedding ring in the porta potty, you’ve got to act fast. The ring will lie on the surface briefly, but then begin to settle, at which time you will be unable to retrieve it. Hustle over there. Don’t wear gloves. You cannot wear gloves, because when wearing gloves, you can’t feel the ring with sufficient acuity. Use the bare hand.

4. The Dark Knight (2008) – Your job is supposed to be fun. Satifying. You’re supposed to enjoy it. This guy? With the gruff voice? He’s happy? I don’t think so.

3. Psycho (1960) – It’s hard enough to run a motel, but if you’ve got a bossy mother butting in all the time, it’s  impossible.

2. Alien (the whole franchise) – Once, sure. It could happen to anyone. But to go back, again and again and again. What is wrong with this woman?

1.  Tie: The Ten Commandments (1956) and The Passion of the Christ (2004) – Moses, this guy. 40 years in the wilderness, was it? His beard gets those streaks of white in it. So does he get to the promised land finally? What do you think? And he missed all the parties with the golden calf, so forth. And with whom did he get to lie, or lay? I can’t remember. As for Jesus, no explanation necessary.