conversation

Could you converse with an ant?

Talk to her about going to work? That’s what she does and you do too.

Off she marches, same old same old. What about you?

The ants in the next nest? She’ll ignore them or fight them, but never cooperate with them. If she goes over there, they all look alike to her.

You could talk about how your social life is the pits. Couple of girls get all the guys, because they’re to die for.

Or you could talk about how you sometimes get antsy, while she gets peopley.

I’d rather converse with my aunt.

 

For the Daily Post

pie encrustation

learned to make pie today. you get a lot of ingredients together and then you encrust them.

but the funny thing is, you make the crust first and it sits there encrusting… what?… the air?… my┬ále creuset 9″ pie dish (hibiscus in color)?…

and when you dump the ingredients into it, it only encrusts the bottom and sides. in the case of this pie, i partially encrusted the top with criss-crossed strips of crust, but they tell me most pies just sit there naked on top.

 

For Daily Post

Cosell’s Constant

One of the universal constants of our world is Cosell’s Constant, which is due to change quite soon.

When it increase from .05854 to .05855, a number of differences will be noticeable in our everyday life.

On the plus side:

  • We’ll be able to eat a little more
  • We’ll be a little taller
  • People will like you better, until they get to know you
  • Insects will make better pets than they do now
  • Drive-in movies will return
  • The separation of Church and State will become the separation of Church, State, and Justin Bieber

On the minus side:

  • In scientific calculations, quite a few pluses will become minuses
  • Grass will talk in a loud voice, especially in your front lawn
  • As for the crabgrass, don’t ask
  • Whoever the current US president is, or, no, whomever, will become the permanent king of the world and come to live with you.
  • Big pickles will no longer look as appetizing as they do now
  • The aging process will reverse, but only for the reviled

 

For Daily Post

KFC is running out of chicken across the U.K.

Honorable Ms. May, Prime Minister,

Greetings from Central Asia. Please hear our plea.

We are a small and poor country who only wish to work hard and not starve and not freeze in winter. Our idea of growing chickens came because we have many spaces that you cannot see the far end of, with grasses and bugs that a chicken would eat, and small stones if chickens have craws.

I have never killed and opened a chicken to see about the craw but I do eat chickens that my wife prepares. I eat too much chickens.

Honorable Ms. May. Please come and take chickens. No need to pay. We just want to be rid of. They are too many. They eat everything. Even they eat the locusts.

Send your army. We will not fight. Send your army with bags and boxes and cages and… let me look up this word… rotisseries.

Do not forget the roosters, may God curse them.

Also the army men may have a few eggs.

Yours in hope,

Abdurahmon Sultanbekov

Senator apologizes to ex-aide’s ex-wives

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. I know that I’m the guilty one. But what more can I do, than say to you… I’m sorry.

And thank you to the Platters.

Actually, I’m now an ex-Senator. I’ve joined the ex club.

Look, yes, maybe I knew he was beating you all regularly, but he was beating me regularly too. It started out as a fun thing, but it turned ugly early on. Were your marriages like that? Thank goodness my marriage wasn’t. I would come home from the Senatorial office Friday night and my spouse would throw a blanket and saddle over my back and ride me till Monday morning.

How am I supposed to look after my aide’s wives? I never met any of you. How was I to know the guy had more than one or two of you? Sure we’re from Utah, but this is the twenty-first century. Big Love was a hit and that guy (RIP) only had three.

So put your ex in the rear-view mirror, ex-wives, unless a civil suit might extract a few more dollars from him. Get on with your lives. I know he has, with a whole new lineup.

 

 

No Blemishes

 

Blemish? There will be no blemishes!

Picture that empty bay full of beautiful sailboats. Speedboats. Water skiers. Jet skis. In other words, folks having fun.

Those hills? Picture them lined with hotels. Nice highway leading in. Power lines. Gas stations. In other words, civilization. Carved right out of the damned wilderness.

As the chairman of the permit process, you’ll always be in our hearts. We’ll name a street after you. Also a park we’ll build after we clear out a lot of that forest there. There will always be a suite for you in the best hotel, with special hotel assistants haha to help you with your every need.

We understand that getting the permits signed is a tough business. You’ve got to deal with the other board members. For that reason, we’ll not only reward you financially for your time, but provide enough extra for you to use convincing them to go along with us. Plus, we’ll give you a little piece of the total casio action.

Instead of “blemish,” let’s agree on the word “beautify.”

 

 

For Pic and a Word

X-ray reveals hidden artwork behind Picasso painting

Do we strip off the Picasso paint and keep what’s underneath?

Naturally, the crucial consideration is, which would be worth more? I’ve done a quick poll.

Poll results:

  • 20% – Strip it down because then it would be “the painting that got stripped of its precious Picasso painting just for this trash,” which would be worth a lot.
  • 31% – Keep the Picasso because then people would always be asking you to strip it down so they could see what’s underneath and it would be worth more that way.
  • 15% – Strip it half down, so people could see some of both paintings and then say that their five-year-old could do better than either.
  • 34% – Just don’t give a damn