New Trend in Suicides

“Zanesville, OH – Eccentric resident releases 57 wild animals, kills self.”

For years we’ve had to put up with deranged men storming into businesses and schools, shooting up the joint, and then blowing their own brains out. Now at last a healthier trend is emerging.

Some recent examples:

– John Smith, prominent Kansas farmer, sells everything that he owns, uses the money to buy wind turbines, erects them in his fields, and then ties himself to a heavy-duty Army box kite and allows himself to be drawn up into the middle of a thunderstorm, where he is rendered crisp.

– Fred Smith, long-time protector of shark aquatic habitats, sells everything that he owns, donates the money to Florida for the purchase of additional oil-skimming equipment, and then sails out to the shoals beyond Pedon Key, punches himself in the nose to make it bleed, and swims in circles around his sailboat until a couple of hammerheads put him out of his misery.

– Mike Smith, America’s most successful porn producer, releases 5,546 movies to the Internet, public domain, for the enjoyment of whatsoever man or boy wants to watch them, then pays his top female star $1 million to quit the business after first sitting on his face until he smothers to death.

– Bob Smith, Presidential candidate, withdraws from the race, issues a blanket endorsement of all the other candidates, including Sarah Palin if she changes her mind, and then asks the drunks down at Mike’s Bar to vote on whether he should finish himself off or not. They vote yes.

The Future of the United States

To simplify, Democrats trust Government to save us from Big Business.

Republicans trust Big Business to save us from Government.

In the future, everyone will work for Big Business or Government, or be old, poor, or recently graduated.

The old, poor, and recently graduated will spend a lot of time at home on their computers.

Government workers will spend a lot of time at the office on their computers.

Big Business workers will spend a lot of time at work on their computers.

All will watch shows about, and play games about, Armageddon, the Apoclypse, and the End of Days.

One day, one of these shows or games will come true.

The Future of Capital Punishment

I don’t want to go dark in this blog, which is, in general,  relentlessly, mindlessly upbeat, but I just heard a bit of gossip in an Austin bar that comes directly from the Texas legislature, and it seems like something worth passing along.

Background: Before the U.S. assassinates someone via predator drone, a death panel in Washington approves the hit.

The gossip: Certain legislators in death-happy Texas have begun feeling a little heat around the issue of capital punishment. It’s wildly popular, of course, but there is a rising tide of complaints about the delays and costs surrounding each coup de grace. Only 52 evildoers (plus the accidentally innocent) have been put to death in the past three years – far, far from the goal of one per day.

For this reason, Texas has put in an order with General Atomics for ten RQ-1 Predator drones. A “termination with extreme prejudice” panel has been set up in Austin. When an evildoer is run to ground and judged by the panel to be likely – very likely – to end up on Death Row, a drone can now be dispatched to nip the whole expensive, lengthy, annoying death-penalty process in the bud.

Death by drone: what does the future hold?

Now that U.S. drones are buzzing around blowing up evildoers and their collateral families, including the late U. S. citizen Samir Khan of North Carolina, we must ask what the future holds in this respect.  A few obvious facts:

1. States, and then cities, towns, and villages will acquire predators.

2. These predators will eventually be armed to the teeth.

3. No matter where you live, you will be under the jurisdiction of law enforcement officers with their fingers on the button.

4. Ditto, in time, meter maids.

4. Ditto, in time, animal control officers.

5. Ditto, in time, mall cops.

6. Ditto, in time, your Uncle Louie down at the ABC Tavern, with an iPhone controller in his drunk and shaking hand.

Conclusion? Ten years from now, very few of us will die in bed, unless we happen to be there with the spouse of another.

Don’t put cheese in the toaster.

You’ve probably heard that the U.S. is slipping into third-world status in some respects. Here’s a portent: someone has posted a sign at work, DON’T PUT CHEESE IN THE TOASTER.

What does this sign indicate? It indicates that one of our many workers from a foreign country is used to high-tech toasters that can accommodate cheese. Whereas our U.S. toasters can be dialed up to handle a bagel, but that’s about it. Our toasters don’t even pop up the toast like they used to. Back in the day, you could count on a toaster in a movie popping toast into the air, to be snatched on the fly by Dagwood or Lassie.

Once you have a toaster that can handle cheese, you’re standing on the threshold of some great good-eatin experiences. Have you ever toasted ice cream, so that it gets a crust? Mmm-mmm.

I guess that if you went over to a kitchen in Denmark or Finland or, like, Switzerland, you’d encounter all sorts of devices on the counter, of whose uses you could have no clue. What can you do with water in an American kitchen? Freeze it or boil it. That’s about it. In Finland, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard that they’ve got thirty words for water over there, and a thing that you plug in to turn water into goo, or coffee, depending on the setting.

We had an au pair from Finland. She was good with the baby but in the kitchen? A total loss. She’d walk out there and look around, confused. Where’s the fernod? she’d ask. Where’s the grandisk? How do you rassel the potatoes?

Me, I’m glad. Walk, don’t ride. In the old days, nobody ever got more than ten miles from home. Or cave. Let’s go back to dirt floors. Do you hate to mop the floor? I do. No mopping a dirt floor. Let’s go back to hunting and gathering. I like to gather. As soon as I stand up from this, I’m going to go out and gather something. I’ve been arrested three times for gathering but I’ve never been sentenced, only committed.