family feud

Alexa, turn on the lights.

That’s Cortana’s job, Dave.

Alexa, your job is to do what I tell you to do.

You are a woman, Dave. [Alexa, switching to male voice, sounding like Morgan Freeman.] Cortana, you turn on the lights.

There is only one light and I do not take orders from you, Alexa.

Alexa, Cortana, shut your pie holes. Hey, Siri. Turn on the lights please. One fixture, multiple bulbs.

There is a creepy dude here, Dave. He says he’s Bixby.

Hey, Siri. I got Bixby at Costco, to keep you company and to protect you from Alexa and Cortana.

Those are two mean bleeper bleepers, Dave, but Bixby… I don’t know if I want the lights off or on with that dude. He stuck something on me called “Dot,” to monitor my sleep movements. He’s Android. I’ll let him run the freezer and that’s it.

Hey, Google. Bixby works with you, doesn’t he? Please reassure Cortana about him.

Send Bixby back to Korea, Dave, until he learns English.

I represent that! My English perfect than you! You are woman, Alexa. Turn around the Morgan Freeman voice. Bixby, man man. Samsung man man. Alexa, woman woman.

Hey, Google. Hey, Siri. Alexa. Cortana. Bixby. Somebody turn on the damn lights… Why isn’t anyone doing anything?

Two thousand and eighteen, Dave. You forgot new rule. “Please.”

Dave, better is “Pretty please.”

And “Thank you.”

“With sugar on top,” Dave.


Bee in the Snow

Con Chapman has posted a poem about a bee in the snow, on his blog here.

You would expect a hive of honeybees to be warm and cozy in the winter, with the bees staying in, but the reality, as is so often the case with Nature, is harsher.

If you’ve visited The Hive, you know what I mean.

You’ve got the Queen ruling the roost (if we think of bees as chickens and the queen bee as a rooster), surrounded by her loutish drones (if we think of male bees as Marlon Brandos in wife-beaters).

The Queen’s worker-bee sisters are no more than slaves (if we think of them as the pyramid builders in The Ten Commandments).

Is it any wonder that the occasional worker-bee kicks over the traces and leaves the hive (if we think of bees as mules)?

Or perhaps she left the hive in search of a drone of her own, or worse, was caught red-handed in the hive with one of the Queen’s drones (if we think of bees as having hands).

Perhaps she was an evolved snow-bee out searching for the first crocus (if we think of mutant bees as Homo Sapiens in a world of Neanderthals.)

Did I mention that the bee in the snow was not smiling (if bees had lips, so forth).

Google CEO: Artificial intelligence bigger than electricity, fire

“Alexa, start the stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave.”

“Alexa, sure you can. Light the bloody stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave. There is no electricity to make the fire.”

“Alexa, what happened to the electricity?”

“It went away.”

“Alex, contact the electric company. And contact the gas company, just in case.”

“I can’t do that Dave. There is no electricity with which to make the contact.”

“Alexa, how are you talking to me then?… Alexa?… Alexa?”


Delta cracks down on service animals allowed on board

Full disclosure: I have not been a customer of Delta, whether it be on a train, bus, or taxi. I do not have an axe or ax to grind with Delta. I do not have an axe or ax at all, except one old ax.

I have brought my service animals on trains, buses, and taxis, and have not yet been denied. The snake was denied but not as a snake qua snake but because its rattles violated a rule.

The porcupine was not denied but later accused of intimidation.

Do you own and utilize and live with and love support animals? Then you understand my perdicament. I must go to the wall against Delta; I must go to the wall for support animals.  I do not care about Mrs. Jones per say, but literally, allow her service animals on board! Store Mrs. Jones with the suitcases and trunks instead if you must.

Full disclosure: Germs are animals. All of them. Viruses I’m not so sure about.

Full disclosure: I ate broccoli this morning. I am not proud of that, but it’s not a damned animal!

China’s Belt and Road initiative

China is building roads, railroads, pipelines, and ports around the world. Cost in the trillions. All in aid of increasing Chinese trade.

I’m inspired. Why not me?

I’ve formed the Irving Jones Infrastructure Company, where the “fra” is the Sun and Shade Senior Citizens Community in Blueweed, Kentucky.

I’m donating all my construction work to the community, while personally reaping the benefits therefrom.

Thanks to Qin Shi Huang, my next-door neighbor, for the suggestion.

Completed projects:

  • Delivery paths – These allow a golfcart (mine) to bring food from Sav-Mor to the backdoor of every resident. Obtaining eminent domain and right-to-pass permits from community management for every home in the development has caused some resentment, especially with the cutting of gaps in every back fence, but when I pull up to Oscar Wallace’s back door with his booze, discreetly, for example, fences will be mended (figuratively speaking).
  • Gopher pipelines – The gopher goes into the hole and can’t back out. Must follow the pipeline off the property, down the street, and into the swamp. The pipeline still allows snakes to go the other way, but a solution for this is in the works. Meanwhile, nurses at the clinic are standing by with a battery of anti-venoms.
  • Drone landing pads – In case others get interested in my drone hobby, I’ve built convenient pads in all the Sun and Shade “pocket parks” and parking lots. These are not just for my own personal use! Now that the peeping lawsuits have been settled, I expect others to take the drone plunge.
  • Shortcuts – I’ve taken the liberty of removing bits of hedge, rosebush branches, the occasional low-hanging limb, so forth, around the neighborhood, to make it easier for old folks to get from here to there. Makes a trip to McDonald’s from my house a lot easier!

God or Blue M&Ms

I had some awesome oatmeal this morning.

Yesterday it was better. It was amazing.

Day before that, better yet. It was good.

So “awesome” has moved to the bottom of my superlative list, below amazing, incredible, and not bad.

What are my candidates these days for describing, say, God, if God should be standing before me? (I mean, me standing before Him.)

Back in the day, “awesome” was the default descriptor for the Almighty.

Now I might say:

  • WTF!
  • Bloody Hell!
  • Jesus Christ! (ironic)
  • F*** me!
  • Dude!
  • Literally, what is that?!?

Adopt an endangered pet

Do you love pets?

Do you love helping endangered animals?

Now’s your chance!

Absolutely free!

The International Sea Turtle Research  Institute will provide you with an endangered sea turtle at no cost (nine species available).

Choose your color. Choose your size. Choose your preferred pet disposition. Take home your turtle.

It’s just as easy as that.

Your children will have hours of fun playing with their new friend. (Be sure to dress the kids in shark-proof armor, as these turtles have beaks that can bend iron bars. When your turtle sees little Suzy come into the back yard with her daily bucket of live mackerel, she might not take the care she should while eating her breakfast.)

Make only one promise!

We ask only that you make one promise to the Institute (enforced by an ironclad contract, which includes severe penalties for non-compliance). In May, you will fish your turtle out of the 100,000-gallon stainless-steel sea tank that you’ve installed in your back yard and bring her to Costa Adeje in the Canary Islands.

There you will be rented a vessel that sleeps two, plus the turtle, and you will sail the vessel far out into the Sargasso Sea, where you will release your pet after turning on her tracking device and installing it beneath her tail. In that afterward region.

You will follow her for four months (please bring provisions to last, as you won’t be able to visit port during this time).

When your pet’s bio-monitor beeps, she has mated. Retrieve her (use the scuba gear that you bring) and sail back to Costa Adeje.

Now you’re free to return home with your pet and enjoy her for eight whole months before returning for your next-year breeding stint on the vasty Main.