How to Debate

Watching the Republican debates, I’ve been impressed with how much these guys have to learn.

Some debating tips:

– Pay no attention to your opponent. This knucklehead isn’t going to change his views no matter what you say. Don’t bother with him. Of course, if your opponent is a babe and you’ve already been hitting on her in the green room, then start out by praising her outrageously. After that, you can ignore her until after the debate.

– Ignore the moderator and his or her stupid questions. Answer your own questions instead. All politicians do this automatically already.

– Your job is to convince the audience of your point of view. Focus totally on the audience. Ideally, choose one audience member and focus on her. If she is hot, in the front say, showing some leg, try to make eye contact occasionally, dragging your gaze up from her body to her face.

– One fact maximum per response. Do not get complicated. Truth is not a priority. Nothing to teach the presidential candidates here.

– Avoid all those fun words that you use every day to spice up your conversation. Do not use the F word, the N word, the C word, the M-F word, or the M word (Mucaca).

– Choke up on the word “Mom.”

– Finally, find someone in the audience who makes you mad just to look at. A Mexican? Some dweeb with a good-looking chick? Your wife? Focus on her for your final rant. As you finish up, have a little sweat on your brow, but don’t get all lathered up. If you’re soaking wet, you’ll lose all the women in the room, except for those few with a sweat fetish.

How to exercise

Exercise is healthy. Of course you know this. You hear it all the time. Exercise lowers your blood pressure. Helps prevent diabetes. Etc.

You know this but you don’t exercise. And, just as you know that exercise is healthy, you also know all of the ways to become motivated to exercise, to get going, viz., exercise with a friend; choose an exercise that you enjoy; make a pact with yourself; start small. So forth.

But you don’t exercise. Instead, you turn to me. What am I supposed to do, nag you? Who am I, your mother? Nobody can talk you into this. Look at you. You ain’t buff. You ain’t going to be buff.

Fortunately for you, I have a simple solution. No psychology is necessary. No planning. No preliminary visits to the doctor to ensure that you’re not about to drop in your tracks. No need for friends or family support or special equipment.

It’s a little red pill. I send you a big bottle of them for a modest price. (I obtain them from Canada using a sort of legal doctor’s prescription.)

The pills arrive in the mail in a plain brown wrapper marked “Sex books inside.” (Old joke.)

Take one pill and I guarantee that you will exercise. If there are stairs handy, you’ll run up and down them. If there is a road handy, you’ll run down it. For eight hours, you won’t be able to hold still. Too high.

The beauty of these pills is that they are highly addictive, so you won’t need any further motivation to maintain your regimen. Plus, for the one payment, I’ll be sending you a lifetime supply.

Boarding Your Horse: Low-cost Options

Stable fees have been killing me recently, which is ironic considering that since the divorce I’ve been spending a lot of low-profile overnight time in the stable myself.

So I’ve been working on lowering the cost of owning a horse.

Indoors or outdoors? It has to get wicked cold to kill a horse. For millions of years, horses ran around on the plains. Do you think they had cushy stables out there? I don’t think so.

Feeding. Do you have any idea how much greenery Trader Joe’s throws away every day? In it’s original packaging?

What can serve as a hitching post? In the old days, there were hitching posts everywhere. Now, say you want to go into a bar for a minute. Tie the horse to a lamppost or parking meter or a bike rack. You can leave a horse like that for a long time without it getting “towed.” Just not more than once on the same block.

Cleaning up after your horse. This thing with dogs and the plastic bags to scoop up the poop when you take the animal out for a walk has got completely out of hand. With your horse, just kick the stuff off the curb into the gutter and let it go at that. Why do you think they call them road apples?

Socialization. Your horse needs company. You probably won’t see many other horses around, especially if you live in the city, other than police horses and they are no fun at all. Sort of like police dogs. Ever try throwing a stick for a police dog? One of those German Shepherds? Instead of the stick, they lunge for your damned throat, even if you’re drunk and didn’t mean anything by it. But in the old days, there were all these wagons pulled by old nags and if your horse started acting up, you could just point at a beaten-down old mule and say, You want to end up like that? Because I’ll do it! You know what dog food is made out of? Huh?

Halters and bits. I live near a “leather” neighborhood, if you know what I mean. Ride through there and you’ve got to beat off all the guys with shaved heads and complete outfits, trying to get a better look at the saddle under my butt.

Horse racing. Can you make a buck by racing your horse? I’ve taken Nelly down to the high-school parking lot a number of times. You find some kid proud of his car and make a bet with him on a race between his car and your horse. The trick is to get him to let you hold all the money because you’re an adult, and then when the race starts and he roars off down the road, you take Nelly across the park where he can’t follow.

Nigerian Central Bank Funds: Do You Qualify?

I was going to post a few words with a title that borrowed from the Nigerian scam, just to generate some  readers via Google hits, but I’ve decided not to stoop that low.  This is to notify you, one of my fourteen readers (all-time high on June 14, 2009), of other post titles that I’ve decided not to use.

5. Best Cancer Cures

4. Megan Fox Nude Photos

3. Cheapest Oxycontin, No Questions Asked

2. Alien Abduction Nude Photos

1. Proof that God Exists. With Nude Teen Photos.

Later: I see that some of you have been visiting every day in search of cancer cures, drugs, God, and/or nudes. I apologize for their absence in this post.