TOP
“She’s so fine,” said the dude.
MIDDLE
“His work is fine,” said the boss.
BOTTOM
“Fine,” said my teenage daughter.
Filed under: Humor, Words | Tagged: Humor, Words | 2 Comments »
TOP
“She’s so fine,” said the dude.
MIDDLE
“His work is fine,” said the boss.
BOTTOM
“Fine,” said my teenage daughter.
Filed under: Humor, Words | Tagged: Humor, Words | 2 Comments »
[Headline, Huffington Post]
If an ice shelf the size of Texas breaks off the continent of Antarctica and floats away to melt in the sea, it will not directly affect my day, at least until sea levels rise high enough to flood my neighborhood. That sort of global-warming consequence doesn’t trouble me. If all the polar bears disappear tomorrow, I don’t care. I rarely hunt bears, on foot or from a helicopter with a high-powered rifle. I never go to the zoo. They say that when you get the kids every other weekend, you should take them to the zoo, but I’ve never done so. My favorite bar lets me park my children in an empty poker room as long as they keep quiet, so I just take them there.
But global warming vis a vis tampons is another matter. When warmth-loving molds and fungi and viruses begin to invade my personal space, it’s time to take action. I don’t personally use tampons, except perhaps occasionally on my “strange” days, but if mold can go there, what’s to stop it from showing up on, for example, my doobies?
Remember that molds reproduce more quickly than we do, and I’m not just complaining here about the lack of action in my life. Molds evolve quicker. That’s why a mold has already learned how to eat a tampon. Humans have evolved to the point of eating at McDonald’s, true, but McDonald’s is not Modess.
I don’t want to live in a world where I have to compete with an evolved mold for my job. I’m already losing out to our neighbors to the south. I might never work again. Say, could that be an upside to this mold invasion?
But seriously, if molds can learn to eat a tampon, why can’t they learn to eat the tamponee, or tamponess? I don’t wear underpants, but if I did, couldn’t the mold move in there and stage itself for an attack? I’m freaking myself out here.
My buddy tells me that there are molds that can talk. I think that’s what he said. How is that even possible? I guess molds must have mouths or how could they eat? But how tiny those mouths must be. When they talk, you’d be lucky to hear even a squeak. Plus, once you pull the tampon, I’m not wanting to hear the mold’s comments. Or get my ear near it, neither.
Why can the mold feel the global warming and I can’t, anyway? I’ve been spending my nights in the car and it’s cold out there. They say that there are more tornadoes, or is it hurricanes, but all I’m seeing is rain. Cold rain. Cold rain and mold growing on everything.
Filed under: Culture, Earth, Humor, Medical/Physical | Tagged: global warming, Humor, writing | 2 Comments »
I always wanted a pet squirrel. I was insistent. My parents couldn’t say no. Hence, they were both grievously injured.
I mean, I wanted a tame squirrel. You’d have to be a fool to bring a black-market wild squirrel into the house. Just the sound of it in the birthday gift box was frightening. You could hear those talons working. I had my folks open the box. Hence their grievous wounds.
But a tame squirrel is not to be found on Amazon, nor even in a lab. I expected my parents to initiate a breeding program (not of themselves haha).
I knew it would take generations, many, many generations of the little rodents before their genes could be changed.
But there are promising signs at the gitgo. Have you ever seen squirrel poop? No? That could be a very good sign. Maybe they don’t poop, or maybe they hide it away where you can’t find it. Either way is a win.
Another good sign is you won’t have to put their things away. All they have is nuts and they bury those.
You need to breed out:
Once you get a tame one, keep it outside. You might have missed a gene or two! The rapacious gene can be hard to find. Although come to think of it, you can always regift.
Filed under: Humor, pets | Tagged: Domesticated Animals, Humor, pets, squirrels | Leave a comment »
Todd Smith woke to find a raccoon biting his chin.
“I was at camp, dreaming that my mom wanted me to shave. Christ, I’ve only got about four hairs.”
Aaron Goldberg woke to discover that all his teeth had fallen out.
“I’ve had the same dream a hundred times. Out come the teeth. My therapist told me I was worried about losing my job, or maybe I was keeping a secret from someone. Turns out, she didn’t know bubkes about gum disease.”
Arvis Portlander was taken into custody at Microphonics, Inc., his place of work, nude in his cubicle.
“It was a lot more fun in my dream,” he said.
Matty Logan, seventh grader, came down to breakfast on a Wednesday-morning school day.
“My mom was in tears. I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had had a dream. In the dream I grew up and moved to the West Coast. I didn’t call. I didn’t write. I ate fast food and got thin. Not fat. Thin. I married a girl who was all wrong for me. The grandchildren were born and never knew my mom existed. At least she could have helped out at the time of their births, but no, my wife’s mother was a complete tyrant. She forbade my mom from flying out when the deliveries occurred. What did I do when this mother-in-law behaved like a Hitler? Nothing. I was under her thumb. At that point my mother contracted cancer but did I come home and visit her in the hospital? I came home, yes, but only to collect my childhood toys, which she had kept for me, dusted, all those long years. I wanted the toys for my children. Me, Matty Logan, monster. I tore out her heart, but still I should eat my oatmeal because the school bus was not going to hang around waiting for me to show up five minutes late.”
Bradford Simmons opened his eyes in the morning and thanked God that it had only been a dream.
“You know when you’re in a situation where you’re totally screwed, but then you wake up and it’s only a dream? That just happened to me, in spades. I was back with my ex, only this time she understood me. You know what I mean? Understood where I was really coming from, and she was going to make me pay for it.”
Fredrico Pascareli lives in Chicago.
“I’m a Cubs fan. I don’t have bad dreams. I don’t need them.”
The President left the White House suddenly on Friday afternoon. Reporters followed him to a psychic’s home on U Street NW in Le Droit Park. He went into the residence and stayed for an hour, with Secret Service agents circling the building and pacing on the porch. When the President emerged, he held an impromptu press conference next to his limo.
“I had a dream last night so intense that I shared it with my Cabinet this morning. The members present were unable to shed light on the meaning of the dream. I convened the NSC and then the Joint Chiefs. No help from either, although members of both used the occasion to push their agendas in a transparent fashion that I found rather pathetic.
“I deemed the matter of sufficient importance to obtain an appointment with Madame Rose… Yes, she provided me with the answers that I required… No, I cannot share those answers… No, I cannot share the dream. It has been classified… No, I cannot share the actions that I will now take, but I can assure you that they will be significant… There are those who will be held responsible for their actions in my dream. There are those who will suffer consequences most grievous… It was just a dream but Jesus it seemed so real!”
Filed under: Humor, Medical/Physical | Tagged: dreams, Humor, obama | Leave a comment »