Woman spots mold on new tampon

[Headline, Huffington Post]

If an ice shelf the size of Texas breaks off the continent of Antarctica and floats away to melt in the sea, it will not directly affect my day, at least until sea level rises high enough to flood my neighborhood. That sort of global-warming consequence doesn’t trouble me. If all the polar bears disappear tomorrow, I don’t care. I rarely hunt bears, on foot or from a helicopter with a high-powered rifle. I never go to the zoo. They say that when you get the kids every other weekend, you should take them to the zoo, but I’ve never done so. My favorite bar lets me park my children in an empty poker room as long as they keep quiet, so I just take them there.

But global warming vis a vis tampons is another matter. When warmth-loving molds and fungi and viruses begin to invade my personal space, it’s time to take action. I don’t personally use tampons, except perhaps occasionally on my “strange” days, but if mold can go there, what’s to stop it from showing up on, for example, my doobies?

Remember that molds reproduce more quickly than we do, and I’m not just complaining here about the lack of action in my life. Molds evolve quicker. That’s why a mold has already learned how to eat a tampon. Humans have evolved to the point of eating at McDonald’s, true, but McDonald’s is not Modess.

I don’t want to live in a world where I have to compete with an evolved mold for my job. I’m already losing out to our neighbors to the south. I might never work again. Say, could that be an upside to this mold invasion?

But seriously, if molds can learn to eat a tampon, why can’t they learn to eat the tamponee, or tamponess? I don’t wear underpants, but if I did, couldn’t the mold move in there and stage itself for an attack? I’m freaking myself out here.

My buddy tells me that there are molds that can talk. I think that’s what he said. How is that even possible? I guess molds must have mouths or how could they eat? But how tiny those mouths must be. When they talk, you’d be lucky to hear even a squeak. Plus, once you pull the tampon, I’m not wanting to hear the mold’s comments. Or get my ear near it, neither.

Why can the mold feel the global warming and I can’t, anyway? I’ve been spending my nights in the car and it’s cold out there. They say that there are more tornadoes, or is it hurricanes, but all I’m seeing is rain. Cold rain. Cold rain and mold growing on everything.

New Trend in Suicides

“Zanesville, OH – Eccentric resident releases 57 wild animals, kills self.”

For years we’ve had to put up with deranged men storming into businesses and schools, shooting up the joint, and then blowing their own brains out. Now at last a healthier trend is emerging.

Some recent examples:

– John Smith, prominent Kansas farmer, sells everything that he owns, uses the money to buy wind turbines, erects them in his fields, and then ties himself to a heavy-duty Army box kite and allows himself to be drawn up into the middle of a thunderstorm, where he is rendered crisp.

– Fred Smith, long-time protector of shark aquatic habitats, sells everything that he owns, donates the money to Florida for the purchase of additional oil-skimming equipment, and then sails out to the shoals beyond Pedon Key, punches himself in the nose to make it bleed, and swims in circles around his sailboat until a couple of hammerheads put him out of his misery.

– Mike Smith, America’s most successful porn producer, releases 5,546 movies to the Internet, public domain, for the enjoyment of whatsoever man or boy wants to watch them, then pays his top female star $1 million to quit the business after first sitting on his face until he smothers to death.

– Bob Smith, Presidential candidate, withdraws from the race, issues a blanket endorsement of all the other candidates, including Sarah Palin if she changes her mind, and then asks the drunks down at Mike’s Bar to vote on whether he should finish himself off or not. They vote yes.

The Future of the United States

To simplify, Democrats trust Government to save us from Big Business.

Republicans trust Big Business to save us from Government.

In the future, everyone will work for Big Business or Government, or be old, poor, or recently graduated.

The old, poor, and recently graduated will spend a lot of time at home on their computers.

Government workers will spend a lot of time at the office on their computers.

Big Business workers will spend a lot of time at work on their computers.

All will watch shows about, and play games about, Armageddon, the Apoclypse, and the End of Days.

One day, one of these shows or games will come true.

Are you Walking in Balance on Mother Earth?

My Wife was Bedevilling me this morning and in a moment of self-reflection, I asked myself whether I, too, was Bedevilling others in my Life more than I was Beangelling them, as I like to put it. The consequences of a world where Bedevilling outweighs Beangelling are sobering to contemplate, namely, that Earth in its Spiritual Form is sinking inexorably into the Pit of Hell, by virtue of the combined weight of our Blackened Spirits.

And how come Bedevilling is bad, but Bewitching is good?

For example, I hired an Amigo from the crowd of men who hang out down on the corner looking for work when the INS van isn’t hassling them, to clean out my gutters for a couple of bucks an hour and a sandwhich at noon. The pitch of the roof, with its gables and everything, is quite steep, but yet I do not have rope with which my new Amigo might fashion a safety harness. Nevertheless, when he went over the edge and only saved his Life by hanging off the gutter while it slowly unstapled itself and dropped him into the lilacs, I became angry. I “lost it.” The gutters were not new, but they were freshly painted by another Amigo, who did not fall off the roof in spite of a couple of scary slips. I Bedevilled my new Amigo, and I held back his sandwhich for at least thirty minutes after he was well enough to eat it. BUT, then of a sudden, I saw the Error of my Ways and rather than run him off my property, I sent him back up onto my roof again. He wept, I assume with Relief that I had Forgiven him. He sobbed the whole time he was reattaching the gutter, calling out to God in his native tongue, and he didn’t fall off again.

As he came back down the ladder, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, I sensed that the World, rather than Sinking, in that moment was Rising Up, at least an inch or two.

Call me Ishmael

A while back, I posted some thoughts under the title “No subject is terrible if the story is true and if the prose is clean and honest.” Every day someone visits that post, no doubt looking for information about Hemingway, of which they find none.  😦

Just for fun, I thought I’d try another famous sentence, to see whether the same thing would happen again. I was going to use “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” but in the event, I forgot to.

Herewith, everything that I know about whales:

Moby Dick, the movie with Gregory Peck, didn’t do much for me.

I tried for years to read the book. No luck. Bought one copy at a cigar store across from the Wakefield B&M station. Never opened it. Finally listened to the book on tape, read by Richard Ferrone, I think. He does, or did, lots of crime novels and his readings feature a voice dark and minor in key. Whether it was him, or the prose, or both, I came away from Moby Dick with the strong impression that Melville was nuts when he wrote it.

I know a guy in Provincetown who has spent his life and made his living studying right whales, which swim back and forth past Cape Cod.

I know nothing of the private lives of whales. Do they mate for life? Do the husbands fool around? Can a whale get high? Do the dads show up late for their kids’ competitions and other events?

I’ve seen a fluke or two, out from Maui. Maybe some gray whales off the California coast. I can’t remember whether I’ve seen a beached whale carcass or not. There’s one that looks huge in “Maga Shark Vs Giant Octopus” and if you watch the gag reel at the end, you’re shown the camera trick that made a little whale toy look that big. (Note to self: still need to see “Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus,” “Sharktopus,” and “Dinoshark.”

What about the Japanese? Are they still killing a lot of whales?

Whales do a lot of vocalizing. They can hear well. Sound can travel underwater for incredibly long distances. Unfortunately for whales, the sea has become rackety with the thump of freighter screws and the ping of sonar and the grumble of oil drills. At least the first whalers used sails.

Whales for millions of years had to contend only with the sewage of fish and other whales. Now they’ve got to deal with ours too, and there are a lot more of us than there are of them.

Back in the day, there was a life-sized model of a blue whale at the Smithsonian. Or was it just a skeleton? Either way, I haven’t been back in years, so I don’t know if it’s still there or not.

Not a lot of whale characters in cartoons? Not a lot of whale stuffed animals? Is there a human/whale sympathy gap? Are female whales ever depicted wearing lipstick, like Minne Mouse?

Describe, discuss, compare, and contrast Jonah’s “big fish,” Job’s sea-monster leviathan, Pinocchio’s Monstro, and Milton’s Satan/whale, which “prone on the flood, extending long and large / Lay floating many a rood.”