Cosell’s Constant

One of the universal constants of our world is Cosell’s Constant, which is due to change quite soon.

When it increase from .05854 to .05855, a number of differences will be noticeable in our everyday life.

On the plus side:

  • We’ll be able to eat a little more
  • We’ll be a little taller
  • People will like you better, until they get to know you
  • Insects will make better pets than they do now
  • Drive-in movies will return
  • The separation of Church and State will become the separation of Church, State, and Justin Bieber

On the minus side:

  • In scientific calculations, quite a few pluses will become minuses
  • Grass will talk in a loud voice, especially in your front lawn
  • As for the crabgrass, don’t ask
  • Whoever the current US president is, or, no, whomever, will become the permanent king of the world and come to live with you.
  • Big pickles will no longer look as appetizing as they do now
  • The aging process will reverse, but only for the reviled

 

For Daily Post

It hit the spot

I shot an arrow in the air. It came to earth I knew not where, until Mr. Humphrey cried out.

It hit that spot on his left ham that we had made such fun of at the nude beach (from behind him since it was on his behind).

I should not have shot that arrow up in the air like that. It had to come down somewhere unless it hit a bird, which would have been worse. I was the only one holding a bow, a dead giveaway.

“You, Fred,” Mr. Humphry said. “I’ll whip you now with your own arrow. Lucky for you it was no more than a glancing blow.”

Not lucky for me. If the arrow had penetrated his ham, he could not whip me with it. The barb would have secured itself in the wound.

“May I fortify myself, Sir,” I said.

“Do so and approach,” he said.

I took a long draught of the strong stuff, against the pain to come. It hit the spot.

Whale Cruise

Jaded? Fancy a  unique cruise? How about following a pod of gray whales as they migrate 5,000 miles along the Pacific Coast shoreline, from wintering in their Baja breeding and calving grounds, to summer feeding in the Bering Sea between Alaska & Siberia?

My friend Enrico has attached a luxury travel pod (pod for a pod haha) to the back of a gray whale whilst it was passing San Francisco and the Farallons. This accommodation includes bed, bath, and kitchenette and will serve you well during your one-year round trip.

Per person: $20,000

Attractions include:

  • Get to know the individual whales in the pod.
  • Get to know their parasites. Gray whales are more heavily infested with a greater variety of parasites than any other cetacean, including lice, diatoms, lamprey, and barnacles.
  • Get to know how in the ocean, it’s eat or be eaten.
  • Tethered scuba gear provided, for those attacks of cabin fever.
  • Attend the live birth of a whale calf. Earplugs provided, as the “whale song” caused by the mother’s delivery pain can get loud. This follows your presence at the calf’s conception (hold on to your hats; ride can get bumpy). Since gestation requires 13.5 months, a surcharge is added to your cruise cost for this feature.

Two Photons Entangled While at Opposite Ends of the Universe

Two photons in the colorless part of the spectrum have been entangled for 14 billion years, scientists say.

The photons headed off in opposite directions that long ago, taking a break from each other, and thus are now 14 billion light years apart.

Scientists say that nevertheless, they are still a thing.

The photon at this end is “just sitting there,” researchers say.

“Just waiting, I guess,” Dr. Paul told me.

I asked about the other photon.

“I worry about black holes,” Paul said. “There are a lot more of them out that way. Also a lot more colored photons around.”

I asked if a photon could become entangled with more than one photon at a time.

“I’m a Christian,” Paul said. “I don’t think the Creator would make a world like that. However, the straying photon might interact with a distant photon, just a physical interaction you know, and perhaps even be annihilated, producing  smaller hybrid or mongrel particles. Science hasn’t found Hell yet, but the dead photon could end up there.”

I asked Dr. Paul if a collection of particles, like a human being, could become entangled with another human being in the same way.

“I’d be happy if she’d just go visit her mother once in a while,” Dr. Paul said, “and take the kids with her.”

Laser scans uncover vast Mayan cities under Guatemalan jungles (AXIOS)

Airbnb, don’t bother going down. Our Airfnf subsidiary has locked up special agreements and arrangements with all the cities.

For the rest of you, come on down for the ultimate “Green” vacation.

Don’t speak Mayan? No worries. The folks in these cities speak a Mayan so old, the current Mayans in the area can’t understand them either.

Special considerations:

  • Bring a machete
  • Binge watch The Living Dead before coming
  • Skip The Lost City of Z. They got it all wrong. Charlie, go back to Sons of Anarchy where you belong
  • Wear a tinfoil hat to ward off the lasers from above
  • Beds are made of solid stone, for your health
  • Bring two machetes

No WiFi. Bring a satellite phone.

To use Uber, make the sign of the U. If the native turns his back, climb on.

To use Twitter, look for a native wearing a toucan headdress. Act out your message, with plenty of facial expressions and hand gestures. Point to the person to receive the message.

Please pay us in full before leaving home.

     (thank you)

Boy Saw His Socks and Knew It Was Bad

Long story short: His socks had his feet in them.

There is an old rule in joke writing: write the last line first. Dave Chappelle gives a clinic on this in one of his recent Netflix specials. He offers a somewhere shocking last line and then explains that he’ll work his way back to it, which he does.

So I’ve taken care of the hard part.

Netflix humor that makes me smile

Everybody’s different, but these shows work for me:

Dave Chappelle’s specials – I’ve watched many of the standup specials on Netflix. These days, for me, Chappelle is king.

Toast of London – Silly and addictive.

The Detectorists – The driest Brit humor. Could you find anything like this produced in the U.S.?

Big Mouth – The facts of life for tweens. Does it cross a line? Definitely out there on an industry frontier.

The Good Place – A good place.

Schitt$ Creek – Levy family legacy.

Dropping the Soap – Just to include an Amazon Prime entry…

Children’s Hospital – …and one to find on Adult Swim or at your local library. 5-minute episodes, 7 seasons.

Shows that I revisit regularly: Lady Dynamite, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Futurama (ageless), Archer, Bojack Horseman, Lovesick (formerly, yes, Scrotal Recall).