City moves up date it could run out of water (ABC, KTIC)

Hello. As your mayor I am responsible for the management of this crisis.

Please contact Andrea Paddle, Director of Public Works, for more information.  She has provided me with the following list and will be responsible for the management of this crisis:

1. As of 8 am this morning, stop washing your cars (Uber, Lyft excepted).
2. As of noon today, stop washing your hands.
3. As of 3 pm this afternoon, it will be against the law to use or think the word “wash.”

What about drinking? Contact Amne Chukwuemeka, Director of Sanitary Health, for information. Amne will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Amne:

1. All age limits on drinking of alcohol have been completely lifted.
2. Mixed drinks: Blacks, Whites, and Coloreds can drink together.
3. Slurp to sieve mud through the teeth.

What about the future? Contact Imani Onwuatuegwu, Director of Elections, for information. Imani will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Imani:

1. This crisis is not the mayor’s fault.
2. This crisis is not my (Imani’s) fault.
3. 71% of Earth is covered with water. The human body is 57% water.

WELCOME, DACA!

Hello.

The island nation of Maripogua do welcome all DACA registrants, of whatsoever age, gender, ethnic heritage, or profession.

Come as you want. We pretend to have English as native language. No dollar needed as the cowrie is our dollar.

Bring no coats! Always warm. Warmer than before in fact. Only the thong will be needed. (Real thong, not Hollywood thong.)

Our president now is Arnold Schwarzenegger if he only going to say yes to we.

Note: Room here for all DACA, but Maripogua will sink below the wave too soon, thanks to US guy sent you here. Now we must find new nation who is generous like we, not like he.