7 Mistakes You’re Making With French Toast

From International Food Quarterly.

Just eating French toast is a big mistake in the first place, if you’re restricted to heart-healthy foods; but let’s assume that your life is not yet completely ruined in that way.

The seven French-toast mistakes:

1. Cooking your French toast like you cook your French fries. Avoid deep-fat-fried food in the morning, except for doughnuts with powdered sugar. Substitute fatty bacon strips for food fried in fat.

2. Refusing to eat French toast because the French didn’t send troops to fight in the Iraq war. This is only a good excuse if you know and can prove that the toast in question was cooked back during the run-up to the war when the French turned up their cowardly noses at all those weapons of mass destruction, or before Saddam was apprehended. You’ll sometimes run into such pieces of toast at the army surplus or at the estate sale of an Iraqi war veteran.

3. Dipping your slice of bread in the French-toast batter and then inserting it into your toaster.

4. Using a whole baguette, dunking it in the batter and sticking it in the oven. A reminder, friend: here in the U.S., we’ve discovered sliced bread. It’s the greatest thing since whatever was the greatest thing before sliced bread. There is a reason the French call bread pain or sometimes pain complet.

5. Using duck eggs in the batter. There is something weird and unAmerican about pulling eggs out from under a female mallard. It could be against the law and if it isn’t, it should be.

6. Eating French toast for dinner. I won’t bore you with another of my rants about IHOP. If you want to help the communists launder their money at this “international” chain of restaurants, go right ahead. Eat pancakes for dinner. But don’t kid yourselves. If the Reds eventually  get their way, you won’t be eating pancakes or French toast for dinner; you’ll be eating Russian borscht.

7. Using French toast in your sex play. I know, I know. I say this about every food except ice cream, jello, and cukes, of course. Maybe you know something about French toast that I don’t. After all, it’s French for a reason. Let me know.


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