[texting the wrong person]
– ive got a stalker!
– omg no way
– way facebook twitter texting
– did you reply
– no. b/c 2 creepy
– how creepy
– u know. hes interest. how about a drink and a movie
– u know i am a little interest
– id like a date 4 once
– me too. but some stranger?
– he sent pic
– yeah if real. good looking?
– course. still. no way
– still. BEG
– yeah me 2 i guess
– how about it? dinner and a movie?
– Doctor, I’m worried about my schnauzer.
– There is hair loss and the skin underneath is red.
– There is some scratching.
– First, try shaving it.
– Shaving it? Won’t that look funny?
– I see it all the time. I’ll prescribe a cream.
– OK. Any special instructions with the cream?
– Twice a day liberally and stay off bicycles.
– What? Is this Dr. Jones, my vet?
– No, this is Dr. Smith, your ob/gyn.
Help from Mom
– its just not working. i need your help
– i can help
– last night everything was going fine. it was working last night
– but this morning i started to get some static. it started ok but then it started to get really really weird.
– ok. how?
– you do one thing you expect a certain thing back u know?
– yes. what did you expect and what did you get?
– i didnt expect to have my hands tied
– you mean you couldnt fix?
– fix? my hands were tied
– so what did you try?
– try? my hands were tied
– how long have you had this problem?
– what? a weird problem like this? its like totally new.
– many folks have their hands tied many times and find statis when seeking help.
– mom r u nutz?
– mom? this is technical support in india. thank you for calling. go red socks.
– im desperate. may do something crazy.
– talk to me
– may do something i regret. everything going wrong
– tell me about it
– im lonely so lonely. then i meet a guy
– he seems nice. we talk. i tell troubles.
– he just wants my body. making me crazy. to end it all.
– why u think the guys behave this way?
– they seem me you know they see how i look my body and they assume
– they see your body and they assume you want physical relationship
– yes. i am so tired. may just take pills end it
– no wait wait. don’t think this. all guys not same. you can have good life.
– you think so? there is hope?
– yes yes there is hope
– but how can i meet this guy
– i am the guy. dont worry just because i sell enlargement treatment to guys. we meet i show good time. please send picture for my look at your body.
– Mr. Jones?
– I have your results.
– Thank you
– Apparently you have had relations with at least three different persons.
– Three diseases?
– Yes, with genetic markers indicating two women and a man, one old, one young, one very young. Different races.
– very. Avoid further relations before cure.
– If the diseases are passed on?
– First there will be itching. Then, a rash. Then, madness. Nose and eyeballs will drop off. After that it gets really bad.
– I’ll warn him.
– Wait, what? Who is this?
– The ex Mrs. Jones. What can you recommend for itching?
– I’m ready to make that withdrawal.
– You ready?
– I am ready.
– In place?
– I am in place for withdrawals.
– I will walk in, get the money, walk out. It will be quick.
– Yes. Very quick.
– I hope to get a lot.
– As much as you want and need.
– I need it all ha ha.
– It is all available for withdrawal, Sir. Your complete account if you wish.
– My account, your account, all the accounts, ha ha. Here I go!
– Sir? This texting has disturbed our bank security for some reason. They will be speaking to you.
Emergency Travel Agent Contact
– Linda, I did not sign up for crocodile adventure.
– No need sign up
– No, I mean I don’t want this adventure.
– No refund
– OK, no refund, just get me out of here.
– Tour last four hour
– Linda, call the tour guide and tell him this is a big mistake.
– No mistake! Have fun!
– Linda, what is wrong with you? They are trying to get me on a croc. It’s madness.
– Croc no mad. Croc happy.
– Linda, do something before it’s too late.
– Me no Linda. Me BanJoo. Better put down phone. Need hand hold on. Croc like eat hand.
– The current size of the universe is explained in part by positing an inflationary period during expansion.
– The universe is flat.
– In one trillion years, only our galaxy and Andromeda will be visible to us.
– 100 billion galaxies are visible from Earth.
– Dark energy far outweighs dark matter in the universe.
– We understand dark matter but not dark energy.
– How did I do?
– How did you do? I answered the questions. How did I do?
– You answered? Clyde, it’s you, not Professor Smith? Those were my answers to the handout quiz questions, moron. It wasn’t a true/false quiz.
– You are an idiot. True or false? True.
– Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.moron. It wasn’t true/false.
– You are an idiot. True or false? True.
– Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.
– im totally lost
– i can help. where are you?
– on something called patterson street in front of an old white house with a picket fence
– ok. go straight ahead to the next intersection and turn left.
– ok… ok im turned
– keep going up and over the hill. GYPO.
– ok… ok im over the hill. sorry its so late. Be there AEAP
– not a problem. turn right at the blue post office box.
– its looking familiar. but ive never been to your house janie
– keep going.
– its… its… aw mom. i come for a visit and finally get a date with janie and you do this to me?
– she’s all wrong for you son. come in and i’ll give you milk and coookies.
Greetings from Space Lab
– Hi, Honey. Texting from space. Pretty cool, huh?
– $^&^ $%& ^(*&
– What was that? Got a little garbled.
– @$% #$%^ $%&^*#@%&$#
– Sorry. Try once more.
– @#$ Greetings Earthling
– Ha ha. Tad is that you? You should be in school.
– $#^# There will be no school @#$@%
– No school today? What is it, a holiday? Gosh it’s good to hear your text.
– @#$% Earth will become holiday place for @#$@ race
– You were in a race? How did you do? Did you win?
– #@$@^@ We will win
– Great! Kiss your mom for me.
– @#$@% There will be no kisses. There will be no lips #$#@
– Ha ha. Don’t worry son. You’ll be interested in girls soon enough.
– #@#$%^ yes we will keep some of the girls. the babes only.
-Tad, what kind of talk is that?
– @#$%@ All of your base belong to us @#$%!$
– Ha ha. Well, so long, Son.
– I shouldn’t be talking to you.
– Why not?
– My shrink says you’re not real.
– Well, you knew that already.
– He says it’s a bad habit.
– Maybe this isn’t me you’re texting.
– Oh, it’s you. I know it’s you.
– Well, if it’s me and I’m imaginary, how am I typing these messages?
– Riddle me that.
– Who is this? Dr. Klienermann? What have you done with my imaginary friend? What have you done with Lloyd?
– I’m just messing with you. I’m Lloyd.
– How can you text me? You aren’t real.
– Maybe your phone isn’t real. Maybe you aren’t real.
– Maybe the next check I send you won’t be real, Klienermann.
– Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
– I feel the need to confess.
– Well… confess what?
– First of all, I’ve had impure thoughts.
– Impure… Listen, don’t worry about that. That’s normal. You’re a teenager.
– Second of all, I sort of cheated on a test at school.
– Cheated how?
– I sort of looked over on my buddy’s paper and sort of copied some of his answers.
– Don’t worry about it. Everybody does that once in a while. You’re a bright kid. Your buddies have probably copied off of you plenty. Anything else?
– Yeah. I was texting like this and I sort of dinged up the front of the car. I worried about taking it home.
– You what! How many times have I warned you about that, Son! It’s coming right out of your allowance! You’re spending the weekend pulling crabgrass!