Romanian study: Half-day old snow is safe to eat (Curierul Național)

Nature has spent millions of years equipping us with inborn reflexes that cause us to reject unhealthy food at a sniff or a taste. Lower your nose to a basket of greasy fried chicken or a bag of fresh Cheetos. You’re revolted because you know these foods are bad for… wait a minute. Have I disproved evolution?

You know what they say about eating snow, so I won’t repeat it.

The big question is, what’s going on in Romania?

I’m right next door in Bulgaria – over the border from Bucharest, in a village on the Danube. It’s cold. Ice and snow. The edible snow on sale at the market? They can’t give it away, and this is quarter-day snow I’m talking about, not half-day.

Most of the villagers here have gardens. They grow their own vegetables, so their market purchases are meager. Go over for dinner and that’s fresh-shoveled snow they’re serving you. Less than an hour old in many cases (except in summer, when they bring it up from the root cellar).

Snow is frozen water, according to the news. I myself learned in school that ice was frozen water, but I’m no scientist!  All I know is, if you let snow sit there, it doesn’t magically turn into something else. You could come back in a thousand years and it would still be snow, as long as your pig and your goats and your dogs stay off it, and your truck is not leaking too much oil, and you maintain your septic tank according to its warranty, and your relatives from the country don’t come to visit, and you aren’t too close to the Black Sea with its Turkish and Ukrainian tourists, and the crows don’t come back, and the frequent earthquakes don’t continue to open up the medieval crypts, and the snow poachers, God rot them, are apprehended, and the effluent from the nuclear plant is rerouted into the river.

Pamphlet of snow recipes is available here for лв25.

Radioactive Home Remedies

Learn Fun Facts recently posted a blog entry I wrote on the subject of radioactive nostrums.

Thanks, Edmark!

Interview: Man thinks he’s a cat

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Sir, what is your name please?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: You are believing you are cat?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: You say only meow?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Purrr.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: He say only meow, this guy, and now he makes the purr. You see how he licks? I am still paid if he say only meow?… You, Ganjić! Do not rub against. I will give you pain!

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Mr. Aubrey Atwater: Madame, you are being paid to draw the fellow out. Use honey, not vinegar, please. He’s testing you. And stop looking over at us.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Ok. Now you will see… Ganjić! Meow!

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Dvesto hudičev! I am not cat. I talk to cat like I talk to person. Please pay me now!

Mr. Aubrey Atwater: Meow! HaHa… Ow!

Man’s Hand Attached To Ankle In Emergency Procedure

[Huffington Post]

I don’t have to bend down to tie my shoes anymore, ha, ha.

But seriously, the only doctor who knew how to save my hand was tripping on windowpane at the time. I’m lucky he  didn’t attach my hand to my butt.

The good news: I’m right-handed and my ankle hand is the left one. Although it’s attached to my right ankle. Weird.

I’ve always been troubled a bit with a stiff back. Now I don’t have to bend down to pet the cat or pick up the morning paper.

Buying socks is difficult, though.

Twice while wiping, I’ve kicked myself in the groin. Such is the life of the man with a hand on his foot.

In the hospital while recuperating, I met a woman whose foot was attached to her wrist in an emergency procedure (same doctor). I tried to joke with her about our situations and she kicked me in the nose. Unexpected.

Speaking of feet, I’ve always been a “foot” man. In bed with my wife, I fondle her feet. Unfortunately, she says that when I’m lying there on my back with my head on my pillow, the feel of my lower hand edging over to her feet is “just plain creepy.”

It’s a lot harder to twiddle my fingers.

Simple but Effective Diets

Why complicate your life? You can lose weight easily while you go about your normal business, using one of these simple plans.

The Dog Diet

Eat whatever you want, but only on all fours and out of a dog bowl. No fingers!

The Bird Diet

Eat all you want, but peck at your food such that your wife finally warns you that if you do that one more time, she is going to stab you to death with her fork.

The Monkey Diet

Eat all you want, but act like a monkey in your home. That is, don’t wear any clothes and poop wherever you are when you feel the need. In time, your appetite will decrease dramatically.

The Boa Diet

Eat all you want, until your middle is so swollen that it looks like you’ve ingested a pig. Then curl up and don’t eat for a week.

The “Uncle Louie” Diet

Hard-boiled eggs and Jack Daniels only.

Weight Loss Guaranteed: The Mineral Diet

Minerals aren’t food. You can eat all of them that you want without getting fat. In fact, on my all-mineral diet, you’ll lose weight – as much as you want.

It’s simple:

Eat vegan “doughnuts”

 These monstrosities don’t have trace one of sugar, butter, fat, or grease. They look like doughnuts but after you’ve eaten one, and your body has gotten over its WTF moment, it will begin consuming its own fat just out of annoyance.

Eat nails

Chew them down to the quick. Anxiety burns a shitload of calories. Biting your nails tricks your body into thinking that you’re nervous.

Eat marbles 

 Better yet, lose your marbles. The insane are generally slender. Check out any mental institution. Those climbing the walls will be skinny to a man. The fatties are just drugged out on thorazine.

Drink beer 

 Altough beer is not strictly a mineral, I like to work it into all my diets.

Eat air 

Gulping air produces a satisfying feeling of fullness. Your hunger (which is just the sensation caused by contractions of the stomach) will disappear. This relief will persist until you burp.