Romanian study: Half-day old snow is safe to eat (Curierul Național)

Nature has spent millions of years equipping us with inborn reflexes that cause us to reject unhealthy food at a sniff or a taste. Lower your nose to a basket of greasy fried chicken or a bag of fresh Cheetos. You’re revolted because you know these foods are bad for… wait a minute. Have I disproved evolution?

You know what they say about eating snow, so I won’t repeat it.

The big question is, what’s going on in Romania?

I’m right next door in Bulgaria – over the border from Bucharest, in a village on the Danube. It’s cold. Ice and snow. The edible snow on sale at the market? They can’t give it away, and this is quarter-day snow I’m talking about, not half-day.

Most of the villagers here have gardens. They grow their own vegetables, so their market purchases are meager. Go over for dinner and that’s fresh-shoveled snow they’re serving you. Less than an hour old in many cases (except in summer, when they bring it up from the root cellar).

Snow is frozen water, according to the news. I myself learned in school that ice was frozen water, but I’m no scientist!  All I know is, if you let snow sit there, it doesn’t magically turn into something else. You could come back in a thousand years and it would still be snow, as long as your pig and your goats and your dogs stay off it, and your truck is not leaking too much oil, and you maintain your septic tank according to its warranty, and your relatives from the country don’t come to visit, and you aren’t too close to the Black Sea with its Turkish and Ukrainian tourists, and the crows don’t come back, and the frequent earthquakes don’t continue to open up the medieval crypts, and the snow poachers, God rot them, are apprehended, and the effluent from the nuclear plant is rerouted into the river.

Pamphlet of snow recipes is available here for лв25.

Higashikagoro Uses Loudspeakers To Recall Fugu

Fugu (河豚; 鰒; フグ) is a dish prepared from pufferfish (genus Takifugu, Lagocephalus, or Sphoeroides) or porcupinefish (genus Diodon). Fugu can be lethally poisonous due to the presence of tetrodotoxin in the body of the fish.

In 1968, the small Japanese town of Higashikagoro was decimated due to the anger of chef Oishi Kuranosuke, the only chef in the only cafe in town. Oishi was preparing a dinner to be shared by the populace in Higashikagoro during their celebration of the town’s founding in the distant past, when his girlfriend Tomoe Gozen accused him of insufficient care in his preparation of the celebratory fugu. Obtuse and stubborn in the extreme, Oishi swore revenge upon her for her outburst.

All partook of the chef’s meal, including the chef himself. Only Ms. Gozen abstained.

Today, Ms. Gozen, the sole inhabitant of Higashikagoro for the past fifty years, used the municipal loudspeakers to recall for tourists the night of the banquet, the fugu, and in particular, Oishi Kuranosuke’s excruciating final moments.

The Squirrel Diet

You cannot keep the fat off unless you change your lifestyle in a sustainable way with regard to what you eat.

First rule of the squirrel diet: Tell no one you are on it! You’ll see why.

Second rule of the squirrel diet: Never go into a store to buy food.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know and do.

Naturally, you’ll want to eat vegetables. Look around the neighborhood. See any? You can eat nasturtiums. You can make rose-hip tea. The North Koreans harvest and eat grass.

Be cognizant of your neighbors feelings for their plants. Try to harvest unseen.

What about the core of your diet, protein?

Again, look around you. Rats and mice are good little food packets but they come out at night. If you make wine with “local” grapes, you may be out of the picture before the sun sets.

Squirrels are just about right. Note: use a small-caliber gun or the bullet will blow away most of the meat.

We sell the popular book “Squirrel on a Stick: 100 Great Squirrel Recipes.” Contact us for a copy.

Once you’ve settled in to your new life, you can expand your protein sources. Raccoons require a slightly larger bullet. Cats and dogs make good eatin but once again, remain cognizant of your neighbors’ feelings for their pets. Some even love them.

[More on squirrels]

 

Cooking Snake Eggs

Warning: Never cook a snake egg if “Spawn” appears on the side of its container, or on the egg itself.

Most snake eggs are non-poisonous. Poisonous varieties have no specific identifying features.

Most snake eggs are emetic by nature. Failure to prepare them properly will cause them to come up quicker than they went down.

Never mix snake eggs with the eggs of frogs, toads, lizards, or rodents.

When cooking snake eggs, stir the bubbling mass with a monkwood spatula.

Use a lot of food coloring.

Cook until done. Keep cooking.

Not recommended for birthday parties for the young.

Confirm that the “snake” was not a worm.

Turn down flame if a hissing sound is heard.

Snakes do not got legs. Discard anything below the hips.

In the context of snake-egg cookery, “snake eyes” is not a good thing.

“Cultured” snake eggs aren’t really.

Marital tip: When arguing with your husband, shout “Snake!” and plop down a plate of snake eggs in front of him at the breakfast table.

A 101 Year Old Marathon Runner Discovered The Secret Behind Limitless Energy!!!

You think I’m going to tell you? Get the hell out of here!

Yeah, I read the story. Marathon runner! A hundred and one, with my prostate every piss is a marathon.

Did I discover something? How would I know? I can’t remember what day it is. Where the hell am I?

Look, lady, I’m trying to run here. See that peak? I’m heading up there now. Say, what’s wrong with you? You’re panting like my spaniel.

These questions about what I eat and drink, what is that? Who cares what I eat and drink? For one thing, I’ve got no teeth. I haven’t been able to taste in years. My wife, when she’s mad at me, she could be feeding me ca ca, pardon my French.

She’s a hundred and fifteen, my wife. Don’t talk to her about my energy. All she cares about is my lack of energy. In the noodle, you understand, and I’m not talking about my head.

That’s her up there. Almost to the top of the peak. She runs ahead so she can get back and cook my dinner, God knows what that might be.

All my family runs. Hers too. My mother was running when I was born. She dragged me behind her by my umbilical cord. Don’t ask me if the placenta is a magic energy food. Remember, I didn’t have teeth back then, either.

You know that saying, the one about not getting old? It was a guy in his nineties said that. What the hell did he know? When I was ninety, I was… I was… What were we talking about? Why are you stopping? You’re gasping like a guppy. We’re no higher than twelve thousand feet or so.

Look, I can’t stop. Come for dinner.

Miracle Diet: The Wormhole

Before leaving on vacation, I want to share a truly amazing diet aid with you. For only $49,999, I will send you a small wormhole, no larger than a fishoil capsule. It comes with a remote, plus onboard digital intelligence.

Just swallow it and set your diet goal using the remote. Your wormhole will do the rest, from within your stomach. It’s that simple.

Eat all you want, literally. Pig out! And, if you change your weight goal, a click of the remote informs your wormhole of the fact.

Warnings and Limitations:

– Just as unwanted food can disappear into the wormhole, on rare occasions unwanted galactic vermin can emerge from the wormhole. Reference John Hurt, or Stephen King’s shit weasels, or, in a true WTF moment, yourself.

– Your unwanted food disappears not only from your stomach, but from your moment in time. In certain rare instances, you may wake up one morning weighing 500 pounds.

– Your heart, it won’t beat, it won’t beat the way it used to, and your lips, they won’t kiss, they won’t kiss the way they used to.

– If another wormhold offer catches your eye and you unwisely swallow the competitive capsule, so that two wormholes have occasion to content with each other, your warranty shall be null and void. In addition, you may find that you have been converted into an exact double of your spouse. He/she will not get along with himself/herself. Overweight though you may be, you’re better company than a damned dirty spouse clone.

The Classics Diet

Do you secretly want to lose weight, but you’d never admit it because you’re above all that? Diets are anti-intellectual? No diet includes quiche and Birkenstocks? Your spouse, the professor, would never use words like “fat,” “old,” “cow”?

Do you eat with your finger raised? Your pinkie, I mean? Your pinkie finger, I mean?

The Classics Diet is not a diet. It is a way of life. You read the classics, right? Not like those other slobs on your block, who watch TV and drink and go on diets? The Classics Diet is simply another name for what we call “Method Reading.”

Being so smart like you are, you undoubtedly know all about “method acting.” How De Niro gained all that weight? How Brando hung out on the docks? Well, you can do the same thing, Mr. or Ms Smartypants, while you’re sitting there in your beanbag chair reading, yes, wait for it, one of your goddamned precious classics. While you read, you live like the protagonist does. You eat what the protagonist eats. How hard is that to understand?

Monday – You are reading: Ulysses   You are eating: the inner organs of beasts and fowls.

Tuesday – You are reading: Galway Bay   You are eating: not potatoes, that’s for sure.

Wednesday – You are reading: Oliver Twist   You are eating: gruel.

Thursday – You are reading: Dracula   You are eating: bloodsickles.

Friday – You are reading: Black Beauty   You are eating: hay.

You’re not done yet, not if you’re one of those brainiacs with a reading list of great books that you’re working your way through. Keep up the method. You’re no quitter. All the way, to the end of the list. Alternatively, you can eat the books.