Busking 10

Hello, everybody! This is my last chance to busk on the space shuttle, so I’m up here offering the following to members of the crew:

$1  I make you laugh and spew your Tang into the weightless air and then I clean it up with my miniature Dustbuster.

$2  I make the sound of escaping air, scaring the bejesus out of your shuttlemates for a laugh.

$3  When your shuttlemates put me outside, I keep saying “Open the door, HAL” for a laugh.

$4  I press a ham on the shuttle window from outside.

$5  After tagging the shuttle and swiping one of its hubcaps, I catch a ride back to Earth with the Russians, giving them the case of Cîroc I brought up with me.

Busking 9

I’ll be busking at the pier tomorrow.

$1  You can bait my hook

$2  You can clean my grouper.

$3  You can share my fried food from The Fish Hut at the end of the pier.

$4  How many jellyfish in the tub? Come within 200 and you win a jellyfish.

$5  Swim with that Great White just spotted out in the harbor (pay in advance).

Busking 8

I’m busking from my bed today. Come on down to the 1100 block, third house on the right, and let yourself in. My wives are at work. All the kids are out on the street or institutionalized.

$1  I’ll come out from under the covers and tell you a story that requires no more than 60 seconds to complete.

$2  You can empty my bedpan.

$3  I’ll pull out my IV and stick it in you.

$4  Fleet play.

$5  It’s a double bed.

Busking 7

I’ve been busking in an elevator on 6th Avenue when it rains. The ride is too short for a good song and dance, so I’ve been offering the following:

$1  Shoeshine

$2  Head-to-toe whisking

$3  Oil your zipper

$4  Pull up your socks, grab your cock, and get you ready to roll!

$5  Surreptitiously hit the Stop button, scream “We’ll never get out of here! We’re all going to die!” and then let you be the good Samaritan who calms me down.

If you have a pet on a leash, I will get down on all fours and keep it company at no charge.

Busking 6

I’ve been busking along 5th Avenue. Without any entertainment skills, I’ve been offering the following:

$1 – I go around the block, snatch a purse, and bring it back to you. Contents are pot luck.

$2 – I slip into that deli over there and bring you back a cheese.

$3 – I sneak into the wake at that funeral home on the corner and bring you back the wedding ring from the deceased’s hand. I have no pickpocket skills, but when the mark is dead, it’s not so hard.

$4 – I wait over by that park bench and when a woman in a tank top walks by, I wrestle it off her and hand it to you as I flee.

$5 – Within 10 minutes (or it’s free), I  bring you a baby in its stroller, with diaper bag.

Busking 5

I’ve been busking around Washington Square. Since I can’t sing or dance or play an instrument, I’ve been offering the following, to make a little scratch:

1. A light trim ($1)

2.  Manicure with sparkly polish ($2)

3. Pedicure with fungicidal sparkly polish ($3)

4. Look to the left and cough ($4)

5. Full pelvic (Free) (Spectators: $5)

Busking 4

I’ve been busking most lately at 7th and 51st. Since I don’t sing or play an instrument, I’ve been offering the following:

1. I stick a Glock 9mm to your dome and tell you to hand over $1 dawg or I’ll blow your mother-f**king head off.

2. I stick a shiv to your jugular and tell you to fork over $1 bro to maintain the vein or I’ll bleed you out till you whiter than I am.

3. I hover a knout over your cranium and tell you to lend me $1 dude or I’ll expose your brains to the light of day if you in actual truth have any.

4. I wrap my hands around your throat and tell you to advance me $1 fool or I’ll disallow the passage of O2 into your sorry lungs while I’m wringing  your scrawny neck like a chicken.

5. I take you and your family hostage, subject you to a one-hour rant on tourists and how they’re no better than cockroaches, steal your souvenirs and your wife’s knock-off purse, and check your ID for your home address, so that if you ever even think of coming back to the city, I will come over there and hunt you and everyone related to you down like dogs.

Because that last one takes longer than the others, I’m hoping for a donation of at least $2 for it.

Busking 3

I’ve been busking this week at 36th and 4th. For two dollars, I will write a one-minute song (music and lyrics), perform it, and write it down for you to take with you, on the following subject of your choice:

– Your face

–  Your body, just by looking

– Your body, after feeling it all over outside your clothes

– Your body, after feeling it all over under your clothes

– Your feet in their shoes

– Your feet after taking your shoes off and feeling your insteps, arches, if any, heels, and toes. No bunions need be mentioned.

– Your constitution, after a quick check of your blood, urine, and stool, analyzed on my little portable lab.

– Whether people like you. Just a guess, based on how friendly and normal you seem.

– Your future. Again, just a guess, but I’m pretty good at telling whether a person is going to last another year or not.

Busking 2

I’m still back east and busking on weekends in the city, now at 6th and 43rd. Come on down and watch me if you like. We can have a meet-up.

I don’t sing or dance, so now I present you with a list of personal interactions. For $1, I’ll act out the interaction of your choice for 2 minutes. (Your money back if I break down halfway through, laughing or sobbing.)

My current list of choices for you:

Praise you

Fawn over you

Kiss your ass

Order you to kiss my ass

Insult your mother and the horse you rode in on

Open my eyes wide, lick my lips, and otherwise flirt with you in a creepy manner

Plead with you to forgive me

Absolve you of all sins, within reason

Act as if you stink, or if you do stink, just go with it

Ignore you, but take your money anyway

Throw a screaming fit, tell you that we’re through, through, you scheming, slimy, two-timing bastard! Get out of my sight! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you (sobbing). (Drops to knees.) Forgive me, Baby. Please, I didn’t know what I was saying, you make me crazy, Baby. When I was screwing him/her I was thinking of you, it was all a horrible mistake. Baw. (Grovels, time permitting.)

Treat you like a chicken

Busking 1

I’ve been visiting back east and busking on weekends in the city at 7th and 42nd. Come on down and watch me if you like. We can have a meet-up.

I don’t sing or dance, so I present a list of mental illnesses and for $1, I’ll act out the illness of your choice for 2 minutes. (Your money back if you can guess which illness on the list I actually have.)

My current list of choices for you (subject to change without notice, or with an insane cackle):

Reasonable paranoia

Schizophrenia (you choose the voices that I hear in my head)

Alzheimer’s (please don’t keep the money when I give it back to you; that’s part of the act)

Hysterical blindness (50% off: anxious myopia)

Threft palate

The yammers

Wandering eye

Uncalled-for behavior

My mother warned me about men like you

Crab walk

Crab cakes

Lobster tail

Acting like a moron

Impersonating Robin Williams

Turrets (todays featured word: f**k)

Chinese A-string syndrome

Nigerian inheritance mania

Bipolar (each pole for one minute; extra poles, 50 cents per; bipolar-curious, a 3$ bill)