Christmas Definitions 6

Tis the Season to be Jolly – Don’t take this one too literally. Jolly these days can often come across as kinky or weird. Try to be upbeat, sure, even though inside you may be torn apart because your girlfriend… Aw, nuts. Forget it.

Nutcracker – Beloved gift of the little girl. Whether or not she used it for its intended purpose, I don’t know.

North Pole – There is still a little snow. The Russians haven’t started drilling for oil yet.

Santa’s Helpers – Refers to the elves, not to that faux Santa down at the mall. Santa doesn’t really need any help. It’s probably more like Angelina Jolie and her orphans.

Eggnog – Milk with eggs and cream and sugar and lots and lots of rum, which goes right to your noggin ha ha.

Wassail – Wassup!?! It’s hot, mulled punch. Listen, so often the family starts begging you and begging you for the wassail and finally you give in, before it’s properly mulled. For the rest of the night, everybody is drinking half-mulled wassail. Sad.

Soul cake – Actually a cake for Holloween, but Peter, Paul, and Mary, and then Sting, made it about Christmas, so I’m having mine with my nog, hoping that it’ll sop up some of that rum and release it later.

Christmas Definitions 5

Shepherds – Like Brokeback Mountain, except that three wise men, three kings, and an angel go by, and there’s a wicked beautiful star in the sky.

Christmas Season – The first tree went off the lot here on November 18, but the first Santa wasn’t arrested for you-know-what until December 16th. My shopping started and finished Dec. 24th. Whew.

Gingerbread Man – He’s a cookie. He’s not animate. He can’t run. You eat him. I’m sorry.

Deck the Halls – (Has nothing to do with gambling or hallways.) These days, you might put up a little green and red crepe in the gym, along with some of those white paper wedding bells, pretending that they’re Christmas bells.

Oh Little Town of Bethlehem – That’s right. Rub it in. Where Jesus was born. Tiny even back in 0 A.D. when there were only about 100 people in the whole country.

Snow Globe – Globe with snow in it. Shake it and the snow drifts down on a little house or whatever. In the movies, the female star broods over it and sometimes it gets bounced off somebody’s head.