Christmas Definitions 1

Sleigh – To Grandma’s house over the snow you go in it. If the wolves attack, throw out the presents first. No, really.

Christmas Tree – 1. Object best worshipped when you’re covered in woad. 2. Object most likely to totally freak out a Druid. 3. Sacred object of Christians. Muslim, Jewish, Buddist, Hindu, and athiest families might also put one up, if the kids really, really want it and drive their parents nuts asking for it. 4. Beloved Christmas object that you hunt down in the woods, kill with an ax or hatchet, bring home like a dead deer on your car, and set up in your living room to decorate. After Christmas, throw it out with the trash.

Figgy Pudding – A delicious dessert. Folks don’t go in for figs so much these days, but the United Fig Growers of America want you to know that the fig is king of the fruits. Sure, a fresh fig┬átastes a shade musky, but what’s wrong with a little musk?

Sash – The thing you throw up when out on the lawn there arises such a clatter.

Stocking – Christmas gift receptacle, to be hung by the chimney with care. Not much good for any gift larger than your foot.

Sugar Plum Fairy – Queen of Sugar Land and top ballerina in the troupe. Am I crazy, or was she looking at me? A babe.

Santa Claus – Goes down and then back up every chimney in the world in one day. Check the facts about this in the Guinness Book of World Records under “OCD.”