Christmas Definitions 1

Sleigh – To Grandma’s house over the snow you go in it. If the wolves attack, throw out the presents first. No, really.

Christmas Tree – 1. Object best worshipped when you’re covered in woad. 2. Object most likely to totally freak out a Druid. 3. Sacred object of Christians. Muslim, Jewish, Buddist, Hindu, and athiest families might also put one up, if the kids really, really want it and drive their parents nuts asking for it. 4. Beloved Christmas object that you hunt down in the woods, kill with an ax or hatchet, bring home like a dead deer on your car, and set up in your living room to decorate. After Christmas, throw it out with the trash.

Figgy Pudding – A delicious dessert. Folks don’t go in for figs so much these days, but the United Fig Growers of America want you to know that the fig is king of the fruits. Sure, a fresh fig tastes a shade musky, but what’s wrong with a little musk?

Sash – The thing you throw up when out on the lawn there arises such a clatter.

Stocking – Christmas gift receptacle, to be hung by the chimney with care. Not much good for any gift larger than your foot.

Sugar Plum Fairy – Queen of Sugar Land and top ballerina in the troupe. Am I crazy, or was she looking at me? A babe.

Santa Claus – Goes down and then back up every chimney in the world in one day. Check the facts about this in the Guinness Book of World Records under “OCD.”

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4 Responses

  1. Do you know what a “Deodar cedar” looks like? It is an odd Himalayan conifer with very drooping needles. One Christmas season my wife and I were shopping for a Christmas tree with our daughter (about six years old at the time). As my wife and I were in our semi-hippie stage at the time, we were struck with a deodar cedar as an alternative lifestyle Christmas tree and dragged it home with us, much to our poor daughter’s horror. She was simply wanted a “normal” Christmas tree like all her friends had. She broke into tears when we got home; convinced that we had ruined her young life. Amazingly, she still speaks to me and lets her co-daughter visit us. Given how awful we were to our child, it was only fair for her(a few years after the deodar incident) to tell us that she was going to marry her (female) college roommate. As the saying goes, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

  2. One of my favorite “minor” science fiction/fantasy writers was Margaret St. Clair. http://www.chasclifton.com/columns/column17.html

    Apparently both Margaret and her husband Eric were genuine Wiccans. She had a delightfully mordant sense of humor. One of her stories (going on faint memories here) was something about a self-righteous (Christian) minister who wishes for an “old fashioned” Christmas untainted by modern commercialism and Santa Claus’ism. By some magical accident he finds himself transported back in time where he finds himself about to be sacrificed in a Druid priest in a pagan precursor to Christian mythology ceremony. As a youthful and callow atheist I loved it.

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