What not to say to the drill sergeant

[Worth 1000 contest entries]

[So many of these seemed clever in my head at the time, only to just lie there on the page when I look at them. Still, some of them get judged funny, and win a prize.]

Sarge, you’re kind of an old poop.

Sarge, I’d massacre you at World of Warcraft.

Sarge, I leveled the obstacle course without weapons or potions or anything. Where’s the next one?

Sir, I think that I may be developing a blister.

Sarge, my dad General Jones and my granddad Senator Jones asked me to congratulate you on the fine job you’re doing, turning me into a soldier. Peel me another grape, would you?

Is that all you got, Sarge? I can take twice that. Go tell the doctor to get all these tubes out of my arms and let me out of this bed. Ouch!

Sir, I’ve been feeling a little homesick so I’ve asked my mom to come down and bring some of her cookies with her. Can she stay in your quarters while she’s here? You can share my bunk. We’ll go head to foot to fit in.

Sarge, when can we quit fooling around here and go fight a war?

Sarge, I know I’ve done some dumb things that made you mad, but just to warn you, my two brothers are joining the unit next week and back home they’re known as “dumber” and “dumbest.”

Sir, can I borrow the keys to the jeep? I want to drive over and see that little cutie at the burger palace. I’ll bring you back a shake.

Sarge, I’ve got a little boo boo on my finger. May I go get a bandaid?

I’m not getting enough ice cream. Sir.

Sir, may I win a medal today?

Sarge, can I get all tattoos just like yours?

Sir, what the heck is a “maggot”?

Sir, have you seen that movie, “The D. I.”? Jack Webb, now he was a REAL D. I.

Sir, if you get sick and we get a substitute and it’s a woman in this man’s army, do we still call her “Sir”?

Hey, Sarge. Tomorrow is my birthday. Can I sleep in?

It looks like rain. Sarge. Can we stay in today?

Sir, any chance we can share showers with the girls?

Have you got any targets with squirrels on them?

I’ve got my pack packed, but I can’t find the handle or wheels on it.

I dress on the left.

I prefer jockeys to boxers.

I’m pretty good with drills and hammers and things, Sarge. Can I be your little helper?

With the pushups, can I go down-up-down instead of up-down-up?

Excuse me, Sir. May I take a little potty break?

Sarge, when my hair grows back, should I go for a mullet or dreads?

When do I drive the tank?

Is this thing loaded?

Sir, I am allergic to mufti, SOS, the color khaki, Thai prostitutes, gray paint, apple green paint, jungles, acronyms, the duty, artic climes, hernia checks, rope bridges, bird farms, beaches, sand fleas, potato peelers, mops, grunts, incoming ordnance, and the thousand yard stare.

Sarge, I’ve written you an open letter on my Facebook page. About my feelings. About how we’re being trained. Your methods. And why haven’t you friended me?… Facebook. It’s a computer thing.  Sarge, why are you staring at me like that? No! Down, boy!

Hey, Sarge. There is a new French restaurant in town. It’s supposed to serve a great choucroute crusted salmon. What do you say the two of us head in there this evening for a meal and a glass of red wine? Crawling around in this mud, I’m working up quite an appetite!

Sir, don’t feel bad. You’ll do better with your second squad. You couldn’t know about all that quicksand out in the swamp.

I’ve had tougher scoutmasters than you.

Sir, may we whistle while we work?

Sir, is it true you went to drill-sergeant school? Are drill-sergeant drill sergeants even tougher than drill sergeants? Do you have to go to drill-sergeant drill-sergeant school to be a drill-sergeant drill sergeant? Are drill-sergeant drill-sergeant drill sergeants even tougher than…

Sir, how come “Sergeant” is spelled with an e, not an a?

Sir, my mom has trained my pet budgie to say “Hey, Sarge!” Can he come live in the barracks? His name is Petie.

Sir, will there be a class about birds and bees. The other guys in the squad are kidding me about that. They laugh at me a lot. In the shower, I mean.