Christmas Definitions 7

Wreath – To be very happy. “Her face was wreathed in smiles.” How many mouths did she have?

Midnight Mass -The Christmas version of New Year’s Eve. I sat near Joe Montana at one of them.

Tinsel (Icicles) – Most deadly ornament for the tree? Don’t let your cat eat a bowl of them.

Merry Christmas – God rest ye merry Gentlemen. Tis the season to be jolly. More divorces are announced on Christmas that any other day of the year, by a significant margin.

Mall Santas – Pretend Santas making a buck down at the mall. A few of them like children. There are two unions, the members of which hate each other. Two clowns have been knifed. In the back. Most mall Santas work as clowns during the off-season. A few of them let their evil clown nature leak out while they sit on Santa’s flocked throne, wishing they were holding a sceptre with a death’s head on its tip.

Grinch – Twentieth Century’s version of Scrooge. Santa would love to get rid of these guys. It’s bad enough that Jesus steals some of his thunder. Santa doesn’t need competition from an animated green creature (or Jim Carrey or Bill Murray).

Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Kid creeps down the stairs and sees Mommy kissing Daddy in a Santa Claus suit. Good for the parents, for having enough energy left to do this. (So easy to go dark here, or blue, but it’s Christmas.)

Creche – Like a big Christmas dollhouse for kids, only they aren’t allowed to touch it.

Christmas Tree – Christmas decoration for the living room. You can purchase a good-looking one at the market, or go to one of many lots. We aren’t running out of these trees because Christmas-tree farming is big business now. Energy required to harvest the trees and get them into your house: enough to power NYC for a year.