Ten Habits of Happy Couples

(Headline in the Huffington Post)

1. Since they’re happy, you could put down anything here. Like, they’re in the habit of having dinner together, because they’re happy and they enjoy sitting there while the serving girls bring out the cook’s creations for the night and the butler opens a $400 bottle of wine.

2. Since they’re happy, they’re probably in the habit of flying off to a tropical resort when the weather cools. Naturally, they enjoy a lot of sex there. What kind of sex? Nothing too new, because it’s a habit.

3. I like to collect string. You could call that a habit. I’ll spot a bit of a thread, clinging to your skirt, say, and I pick it off real quick, before you can jump back. You could say that makes me happy. You and I aren’t exactly a couple, because we’re just standing in an elevator together, but you can see what I mean.

4. The whole going-to-bed-at-night thing is important to mention. I mean, to go to sleep. Happy couples are in the habit of dozing off with a smile on their two faces. Of course, in certain cases there may be others in the bed too, but Christ only knows what their habits may be.

5. Just don’t take more than your share of the covers. I put up with enough already. You grab all the covers, you’re happy, but what about me? We should never have sold our double beds, just because we needed a few bucks for food.

6. Happy couples are in the habit of laughing a lot. This makes a lot of other couples unhappy, so I’m not sure that we should count it. It would make me happy to tell them to pipe down. Maybe even poke the guy in the snoot. I wouldn’t poke the woman, but if I spotted a bit of a thread on her, I wouldn’t be gentle plucking it off!

7. We should mention love. Are happy couples in love? Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t, but love isn’t a habit. It’s something that requires endless hours of dating, tears, plotting, buying of new jeans, picking flowers in the park without getting caught, pretending that you like dogs and her kid and that you understand what the hell she’s talking about and wondering when you can, you know, make your move.

8. A lot of happy couples, maybe the majority, have been married before. A lot of their happiness is about the fact that their current mates aren’t anything like the last ones. Of course, they are often in the habit of becoming quickly disabused of this notion.

9. Happy couples hang out together, at BBQs and cocktail parties and reunions. You can see them throwing their heads back and laughing. From a distance, because no way you’re going to be invited, not if you’re normal like, say, me.

10. Happy couples are in the habit of never saying they’re sorry.

Christmas Definitions 8

Christmas Dangers – Going old-fashioned (candles on trees, old hot lights with bad wiring, bubble lights, lead-based tinsel, glass ornaments, etc.), pet dangers (food, decorations, toppling tree), emotional pain vis a vis gifting, children becoming confused about Santa/Jesus and setting off on a path to hell.

Mistletoe – A plant that you hang up a sprig of and the girl standing under it has to kiss you. Only, make sure that she knows it’s there and doesn’t slug you instead. This may be your only chance until you get to college and go to some drunken frat party, so don’t blow it!.

Mince Pie – I won’t mince words. Your guests don’t know what’s in your mince pie, so they go for the pumpkin instead. It’s an outrage. Educate them in advance as to the fact that the mince pie is filled with mincemeat.

Secret Santa – You’re lonely and somebody gives you this gift, only you don’t know who. You go home and you really like the gift. You could fall in love with the person who gave it to you. Was it Myrtle? What a conundrum!

Carols РFestive songs. The word has narrowed down to apply almost exclusively to upbeat Christmas songs. Can you have a lugubrious  carol? Well, there are a few Easter carols and I suppose that the crucifixion was a lugubrious event. Why are we even talking about this?