Government Report: Effect of Meat on Sex

A recent government study details the effects of increased meat consumption on the human act of coitusatation. Highlights:

Meat        Its effect on “doing it”

 Beef         Increased interest in her udders.

Chicken    Michael Jackson’s favorite.

Fish           Makes the eyes bulge and the mouth make gulping motions.

Pork          Increased interest in her hams.

Duck          Increased interest in paddling her hams.

Octopus    Remember that guy who used to take you to the drive-in?


Sex toys fabricated from meat are not recommended.

Eating meat while engaged in recreational sexual acts is not recommended, as it may lead to an increased risk of choking and/or administering painful bites to your partner.

If engaging in coitus while cooking fried chicken, cover yourselves with a tablecloth or something like that to protect against hot oil spatters.

Farmers: If you are coupling with your wife while at the same time beheading chickens with a hatchet, and you are utilizing the birth-control method of quick and sudden withdrawal at the critical moment, you are just asking for it.

2 Responses

  1. “you are just asking for it” seems about right.

    Thank you for this very helpful executive summary.

  2. Always good to be read. Thanks to you for your summer reading project. There will always be a Berkeley.

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