Government Report: Effect of Meat on Sex

A recent government study details the effects of increased meat consumption on the human act of coitusatation. Highlights:

Meat        Its effect on “doing it”

 Beef         Increased interest in her udders.

Chicken    Michael Jackson’s favorite.

Fish           Makes the eyes bulge and the mouth make gulping motions.

Pork          Increased interest in her hams.

Duck          Increased interest in paddling her hams.

Octopus    Remember that guy who used to take you to the drive-in?


Sex toys fabricated from meat are not recommended.

Eating meat while engaged in recreational sexual acts is not recommended, as it may lead to an increased risk of choking and/or administering painful bites to your partner.

If engaging in coitus while cooking fried chicken, cover yourselves with a tablecloth or something like that to protect against hot oil spatters.

Farmers: If you are coupling with your wife while at the same time beheading chickens with a hatchet, and you are utilizing the birth-control method of quick and sudden withdrawal at the critical moment, you are just asking for it.

The Meat-Only Diet, Part 2

A sample regimen to help you get started:

Day 1

Breakfast: Cut out meat in the shape of little o’s, deep-fat fry, serve in a bowl with generous meat juices.

Lunch: Use slabs of ham for “bread” and make a meatball sandwich.

Dinner: Steak with a side of chicken, and a fish salad (while there are still fish to eat). Dessert will be a plate of assorted oyster, clam, and mussel dainties stuffed with edible jellyfishes.

Day 2

Breakfast: A glass of whiskey mixed with meat juice.

Lunch: Hot dog on a hamburger bun (a bun made out of hamburger, that is).

Dinner: Several glasses of whiskey. Then pigs in blankets of tenderized cowhide.

Day 3

Breakfast: You probably won’t be getting up.

Lunch: Try to eat a meat that comes up as easily as it goes down.

Dinner: Strip, go outside, and lie on the hood of your car in a howling snowstorm.

This should get you well on your way to significant weight loss.

The Meat-Only Diet

A couple of my earlier posts include the word “vegetable” in the title. Google has rewarded me by sending me readers who care about vegetables.

Will the same be true for meat?

I’m signing up to run for office in three weeks. If there are blocks or cadres in my district that are dedicated to the election of those who vote what they eat, I want to know about it.

Meanwhile, the meat-only diet, so that I don’t cheat those who came here to learn its truths:

First, why are you even reading this? Are you nuts? Nothing but meat? What’s wrong with you?… No wait, I didn’t mean that. But seriously, look into your heart and if you sense that you’re crazy, stay away from diets of any kind, because they’ll only make you worse. The only time that I kicked my cat was when I was famished and it grabbed the last moonpie still in its wrapper and crawled under the couch with it, just to be mean.

Second, this diet includes NO raw meat. Spending the day in your house eating nothing but raw meat could get you arrested, even if it’s really healthy.

Third, the condiments for your meat salad would include catsup, A-1 Sauce, wine, beer, champagne, and Rittenhouse Straight Rye.

Fourth, variety is important, as you are foolishly consuming protein and fat and nothing else. Each day you should eat meat from the shank, the flank, the breast, the genitals (for the phosphorus), sweetbreads (if you don’t know sweetbreads, which sound good, they are guts), and the head (head cheese, lips, snout, tongue, and brain, which won’t make you any smarter. If you don’t believe me, go ask your cow to add two plus two. Yes, I’ve seen the horse who will clop his hoof four times if you ask him that, but you can’t answer your algebra professor with a damned tap dance, over at Phoenix U. in your remedial night course.)

Fifth, the mixing of meats is discouraged if each is soused with a different alcoholic beverage.

Sixth, don’t eat the meat of any animal that serves as a pet. More particularly, don’t eat your pets. Unless you’re one of those fruitcakes with fifty cats, you won’t have enough pets to last you through the span of your complete diet.