Busking 7

I’ve been busking in an elevator on 6th Avenue when it rains. The ride is too short for a good song and dance, so I’ve been offering the following:

$1  Shoeshine

$2  Head-to-toe whisking

$3  Oil your zipper

$4  Pull up your socks, grab your cock, and get you ready to roll!

$5  Surreptitiously hit the Stop button, scream “We’ll never get out of here! We’re all going to die!” and then let you be the good Samaritan who calms me down.

If you have a pet on a leash, I will get down on all fours and keep it company at no charge.

Top 5 Hollywood Rumors This Week (2)

– One of the top voodoo practitioners in Hollywood, at the behest of Selena Gomez, has FedEx’d to Justin Bieber an Elvis finger, as a birthday good-luck juju. This does not prove that Elvis is dead, but it does prove that he no longer has ten fingers.

– Justin Bieber rolled three Yahtzees in a row in a game against his tutor.

– The other top voodoo practitioner in Hollywood, at the behest of Shia Labeouf, has UPS’d to Justin Bieber a finger from Macaulay Culkin, as a bad juju. Since Culkin appears to have ten fingers remaining, it proves that he previously had eleven.

– Justin Bieber’s tutor rolled three Yahtzees against Bieber and shouted “Suck on this, bitch!”

– Paparazzi have photographed Justin Bieber on the beach at Malibu picking his nose. It cannot be determined from the pics whether he is using the Elvis finger, or Culkin’s.

Busking 6

I’ve been busking along 5th Avenue. Without any entertainment skills, I’ve been offering the following:

$1 – I go around the block, snatch a purse, and bring it back to you. Contents are pot luck.

$2 – I slip into that deli over there and bring you back a cheese.

$3 – I sneak into the wake at that funeral home on the corner and bring you back the wedding ring from the deceased’s hand. I have no pickpocket skills, but when the mark is dead, it’s not so hard.

$4 – I wait over by that park bench and when a woman in a tank top walks by, I wrestle it off her and hand it to you as I flee.

$5 – Within 10 minutes (or it’s free), I  bring you a baby in its stroller, with diaper bag.