The Pits Diet

Want to lose weight? I wish you would, if you’re who I think you are, reading this. Look, it’s your health I’m concerned about, not the way you look in those Facebook pictures.

I’ve got this iPhone app that removes 10 to 100 pounds from the photograph of a person, depending upon how you set it, so I can tell you in advance, even before you lose the weight, that that two-piece you like to put on at the lake? Keep the top half and convert the bottom half into three.

“It’s the pits.” No. Pits are good. Do not be concerned by the fact that a fruit with a pit is classified as a “drupe.”

Follow these diet tips for success:

– Do not eat the meat of a pit bull.

– Thoroughly remove the peach or plum or whatever fruit before eating the pit. Haha just kidding.

– If you’re one of my four usual readers, you’re going to need help with the actual eating of food with pits. That help can be found here.

– What to do with the pit? (If you inadvertently swallow it, you will not grow a baby in your stomach. This is also true of semen pardon my French.) Do not flick it, throw it, toss it, hide it, put it in your pocket, or put it on you plate where others will have to look at it. Hide it under a lettuce leaf. Since you’re eating only food with pits, you won’t be forking up that leaf in any case.

– Weight loss: large pits vs small pits. Look, if I tell you to eat three items in the morning and you choose avocados instead of cherries, then just give up. And don’t forget to plant those avocado pits in a sawed-off milk carton.

– You’re probably wondering why pits are like round stones, whereas your armpits are hollows (barring some alarming growth or enlarged node, in which case the pit diet is about to become nugatory for you). There is a truly bizarre diet involving armpits, but it falls outside the scope of this post.

– Train someone in the house, other than yourself, in the Heimlich maneuver. Don’t eat in bed when drowsy.

– It’s OK to grind up the apricot pits and snort or smoke the powder.

Remember, it’s all about health. In 86.5% of cases, losing weight doesn’t improve your appearance. 13% of the time, it actually makes you look worse.