Guaranteed Weight Loss: The Straw Diet

We lock a leather mask over your mouth, with a built-in straw. Thus, you can drink, but you can’t eat.

Monday: Already you’re hungry, so you go for some Boost. Drink enough of this stuff and you’ll gain weight, not lose. Fortunately, the straw is designed to block liquids as thick as Boost. You must go for carrot water.

Tuesday: Too hungry. You dip your straw into any liquid that you can find. My God, anything to combat that awful hunger. Don’t worry. The added fifteen pounds of bloat will flush out later.

Wednesday: You discover alcohol. The straw won’t allow bubbles, so beer is out. The good thing about booze is, unless you’re an alcoholic, you’ll pass out before you drink enough to get fat.

Thursday: Hangover! Remember, if you vomit, you’ll suffocate. Worrying about imminent death while fighting your rising gorge is a great way to lose weight.

Friday: Cocaine or heroin through a straw? Of course! Ride the white horse to thin-land. Suck the powder into your mouth and then blow it out through your nose, instead of the other way around.

Wow. How did that week fly by so fast? Look at how your clothes are practically hanging off you. You’re welcome to as many of these Krispy Kremes as you want, once we get the mask off. It takes about an hour.