What Race Should My Sperm Donor Be? (CNN)

My first thought was to have that multi-child egg-planting procedure so I could have four or five or six babies of various races. I don’t want to get, you know, racial.

But then, why not just go mixed-race? One child, a real mongrel. What’s a better word for that? Cur? Half-breed? Mutt?

Just got my own DNA readout:

23% Abzhui

12% Sangtam

34% Kittian

18% Arbëreshë

13% Tai Lü

What? Did they just take my money and make up words? Look at me. Do I look Tai Lü to you?

So I described the kind of man I want. Big, you know? I told them, you know, I like it kind of rough. Then they told me that the man doesn’t, you know, literally do the deed. I won’t even be awake!

So I just gave them my rules:

  1. Don’t give me the cheapest or the most expensive. Cheap, you get what you pay for. Top of the line, you get lots of extras you don’t need. Give me the most economical (second cheapest).
  2. I buy fresh. No cans. No frozen.
  3. I’ll have what she had. The one driving that red beemer.
  4. I don’t mind drive-through.

Scientists Want To Know: Are Men More Attracted to Women With Redder Genitalia?

Pretty in Pink

What does the color of our genitals have to do with evolution? Scientists Want To Know.

[Headline and subheads, Slate]

10 facts based on my team’s experiments and studies:

1. When the male member is bright red, in all or in part, the female is not attracted to it. Other unpopular colors: blue, mauve, and green.

2. In the female, flourescent purple and green pubic hair is becoming increasingly popular.

3. Identifying oneself as a scientist does not gain one automatic access to a woman’s genital region. In fact, even saying that you’re a doctor doesn’t work well on a bus or subway car.

4. If a woman’s careful rouging of her genitals causes the couple to be late to the ballgame, more harm is done than good.

5. When using a standard color chart to measure and record a woman’s hue “down there,” standard lighting is required for consistent results. Holding a flashlight in your teeth and going up under the skirt will not provide a true reading.

6. Some colors are scarier than others. A lot scarier.

7. 0.4%  of women demonstrate a “chameleon” effect. That is, the color of the intruding male organ will cause the female genitals to change to a matching color. In many cases, when the color goes black, it won’t go back.

8. Some scientists claim that the sense of smell here is more important than the sense of sight.

9. If you’re paying $100 for it, as opposed to $10, you’ll probably appreciate its color a lot more, no matter what it is.

10. 71% of the scientists on my team recorded incorrect data because their glasses steamed up.

What Two-Thirds Of Wives Admit About Sex

[Headline, Huffington Post]

Which two-thirds of wives, you ask. Is it the two-thirds who aren’t like your own wife? Because we know that there are a lot of women out there to whom we aren’t married. Sometimes, just for fun, we pretend in our imaginations that we are married to one of these women. Such little dreams rarely include anything like mowing the lawn or fishing another chore out of the job jar.

Or is it the third of wives who are like your wife, plus a fourth third who are even worse than the other thirds? That is, will your wife and Angelina Jolie admit the same thing when it comes to sex? Sex with you, that is. They say that Angelina will always be kind – consider all those adopted children – always be kind, unlike her curmudgeonly father, that old poop. I did like him in Runaway Train, though.

The funny thing is, there are those guys out there who are always saying, “Come on, you know you want it. Admit it.” So it’s natural that you would think, “Yeah, two-thirds of women (excluding your wife) really want it. They should admit it.” Or, always the contrarian, perhaps you think, “Hah, they don’t really want it and if they had any guts, they’d admit it, instead of telling me they had a long day and they just want to read for a minute and then turn out the lights and go to sleep – quit pawing me for God’s sake.”

That’s what you’d think, being a guy. But you would be wrong. There is a whole lot more to sex than, you know, sex. It’s not all about your double bed, after the kids are asleep, with the lights off, after you’ve taken a shower and brushed your teeth and got a picture of one of those other two-thirds of wives firmly fixed in your mind. When they’re alone, you don’t think wives talk about butterfly kisses? Lingerie? That time in high school when they did the guy in the ferris wheel?

The bottom line is this: what women want and think and feel, especially about you, you don’t want to know.

5 Must-Know Facts About Sex

[Headline, Huffington Post, 01/11/12]

1. It’s ok to mix sex and food. For some, it is essential. (a) Is it possible to cook a good dinner, including hor dourves and dessert, while having sex? Sure. We won’t get graphic here; just know that it’s no problem. Care is necessary so that no one gets scalded or cut. (b) Comfort eating can be a big help during the rigors of intercourse. (c) Don’t snap your gum.

2. It’s ok to spread out the act, timewise. Pace yourself if you want to. Attenuate the friction by taking the whole day, say, on and off, to complete your business. What’s the rush? You’ve got the rest of your life, unless you’re on a date. Get started, take a break for Kelly Ripa and bagels, re-engage, argue about your finances, lose interest, do a little blow to rekindle, re-enact that time you were both unfaithful but now can laugh about it (only if you’re really high), and so on. There is no shame in temporarily wandering off, unless it’s to a strip club.

3. It’s not ok to call it sex when it’s really something else, like, say, exercise. Don’t count out loud, as if you’re doing pushups. Don’t play that little game where one of you chases the other, both of you shrieking with laughter, and you wrestle her to the ground, if that chase runs longer than three hours or twelve miles, whichever comes first. Normal relations never include lifting your partner repeatedly over your head.

4. It’s not ok if either of the two partners in the act does not realize that it is actually going on.

5. An exception to #4: If you can only enjoy sexual congress when asleep, it’s ok to tell your mate “Good night, Honey. Knock yourself out.”

FDA Demands Man Stop Giving Away Sperm

(Headline, Huffington Post)

Alright, now it costs $5. Hah!

You know that saying, “You couldn’t give it away”? Well, it was true. I literally couldn’t give it away, at least not the old-fashioned way ha ha. But seriously, this is not a sexual issue. I have important abilities (I prefer to think of them as mutant powers) and I intend to share them with as many fecund human females as possible. Otherwise, my abilities will go to the grave with me.  😦

So I’ve updated my methods.

First, I arrange a date with a promising young woman using, say Match.com. I said that I want to share my vital essence with fecund females, but these females must be worthy, of course. As it happens, every woman listed on Match.com, according to her own self-description, is imminently worthy.

Next, on the date, I demonstate some of my powers. For example, pick a number between one and five. I can usually guess it. Three? Two? See what I mean? Another example: Who will be elected president in November? I’m asking you. No, you’re wrong. Wait and see. You’ll be surprised.

Then, I display some of my physical powers. I can bend spoons with my mind. I bring a pocketful of bent spoons with me to prove it. We go outside. I show how many cracks in the sidewalk I can jump over at once. Now if I’m really interested in the woman, I show her how I can run across a really busy street and back without getting hit by a car. I have to be really interested because even with my powers, mistakes are sometimes made.

Finally, the moment of truth. I Invite the woman back to my place, so I can give her a plastic-wrapped bit of my essence. Because the selection process is so exacting, I find that my freezer is filling up! I’m running out of little specimen cups! But anyway, I hand it over and send the future mom on her way. Heaven knows how many little “super” children are running around out there by now.

First Video Ever Of The Female Brain During Orgasm

(Headline in the Huffington Post, 11/16/11.)

Note: There have been numerous false alarms, but for the first time in this particular study, the female subject was not faking it. This is not to say that faking it is particularly common on the distaff side during the human act of love, but our subject was being paid by the orgasm, which provided an unwanted perturbation to the experiment. She also claimed that she was owed something extra, because the lab swapped out the hunk she had originally been paired with, and replaced him with the decrepit head of the department, who wanted a go.

This is the fourth video in the orgasm series, after First Video Ever of the Female Hand, the Female Foot, and the Female Nose During Orgasm, none of which proved a big seller on the black market of sex.

At the critical moment, the subject was thinking about eating a cream puff.

The speech center was also involved, as the subject burst out with “C’mon, Baby, Momma needs a new pair of shoes!”

Is an orgasm harmful to the female brain? The subject’s rage centers seemed rather inflamed during the initial motions of the experiment. The subject reported that this was due to her extreme distaste for “the old bugger” atop her. The inflammation moderated when he told her that it was worth an extra thousand if she would “shake that thing.”

The subject’s temperature began to rise dramatically during the exercise, but this could have been caused by the failure of our electric fan partway though the monitored coitus.

Differences between the male and female brains during orgasm? Wow. You really want to go there? This is Nature’s dirtiest act we’re talking about here. So the guy, it’s like, it’s like a train going into a tunnel, or a rocket taking off. Or maybe like one of those oil-drill pumping things. For a gal, it’s more like a tunnel with a train coming in, or a big, moist thundercloud with a rocket shooting through. Let’s leave it at that.

Sex For Pleasure Not Uniquely Human

(Huffington Post headline, 11/13/11)

Festus is a five-year-old redbone coonhound. He’s a big, noisy dog who is always willing to jump up and lick your face and be petted. My wife and I love him and take him with us everywhere, always making sure that he gets enough exercise and attention.

All was fine until I read the Huffington news article mentioned above. It turns out that this dog, “man’s best friend,” has been thinking along the same lines as I have, sex-wise, all along.

I always thought that his lolling tongue and panting were cute. Now I see them for what they are. Signs of pure lust.

A dog isn’t like an old married man. A dog is always ready to get it on. That’s why they’re called dogs.

When Festus would lie there on the rug sleeping, and start twitching and yipping, tail thumping, I always figured he was dreaming about being out hunting with me in the woods. Ha.

The equipment is right there, for all the world to see. It’s like living with a nudist. A well-hung nudist, pardon my French.

Anyway, now I’m noticing how often my wife takes Festus out to the dog park, or so she says, for some “exercise.” He comes back all lathered up and flops down in a heap. And starts licking himself. Down there. Now I ask you.

Dog sleeps at foot of bed, you figure he’s faithful, until you realize that when you’re at work, he’s probably in the bed. Dog barks at the mailman and you figure he’s protecting the house, until you begin to wonder what the mailman was up to before Festus was big enough to scare him off.

There’s a woman at work who reminds me of a toy poodle, but that’s another story.

I began planning to catch Festus and my wife in the act. Planning how I would report this dog to the police, or to the pound, or to whoever deals with cases like this, and have him hauled off like the two-timing cur that he is. Fortunately for me and my marriage, before I could act I read this new article, “Women Are Sick of Men Behaving Like Animals.” I can see now that my wife is just as put off by Festus and his forward behavior as she is by me when I paw her in bed.

The Pre-pregnancy Amendment

Mississippi and South Dakota are considering amendments to their state constitutions that would define the beginning of life, protected by all state laws, rules, and regulations, to occur at the point of pre-pregnancy. Improper termination of the life of an ovum or spermatazoon would be defined as murder. The state constitutions are thus to be made more clearly pro-life, not pro-choice (pro-murder).

For example, suppose that you are a young nerd with absolutely no hope of “getting next to” a woman. Then spilling your seed on barren ground, such as your bed sheets or the bottom of your shower stall, is ok. But woe betide you if you try that with a potentially fertile wife in the house! Do not tell the court that she “wasn’t in the mood,” or that you snuck some ‘zoons into her with your finger after she fell asleep. The sin of Onan kills off countless, literally countless, potential babies, even African-American ones.

The good news is that if you’re sent to jail for murder, you won’t be raped there, because of course that wouldn’t be legal either, like it is now. There would also be prison-prisons for those prisoners who do go ahead and rape you and need to be imprisioned, but are imprisioned already.

What about ovulation? In Mississippi at least, when ovulation occurs, a tiny little tasteful bell will tinkle on the front of your dress. Get that ovum fertilized asap and there won’t be any trouble.

All contraception, whether it prevents the joining of ‘zoon and ovum, or kills off the ovum after the fact, is murder. Condums are defined as concealed weapons. Erections more than one length of the member away from your wife is attempted murder.

Of course, anything kinky, like adultry, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, three-ways, foursomes and moresomes, bondage, lap dances, phone sex, or sex at a picnic, are unconstitutional, and murder.

Forbidden Sex

It’s been a while (not awhile) since I wrote a post with the word “sex” in the title. Since 99% of my visitors are drawn to this site by that very word in those very titles, indulge me while I lure this majority back one more time, to their eventual disgust at the utter lack of the base, degrading, and exploitational titillation that they seek, unless I include it by accident – by thinking out loud, for example, or by getting this blog mixed up with my alternate, income-providing site, “Sexy Sexual Advertisements for Sex.”

I thought about simply using the title “Sex,” or “Sex!” or perhaps “Sex??” for this post, but rejected these as ambiguous. “Sex” in these titles could be a verb, as in “How to sex a chicken?” (That is, how to determine the sex of a baby chick and separate the roosters from the hens when they hatch (that is, are born), for those of you unconversant with the poultry industry.)

I thought about using “Teen Sex” as the title, teen sex being the most popular topic on the Internet, but as a post-teen who is able to think back on teen sex and recall my personal experiences with it, I’m dismissing the subject and the acts covered by the subject, as overrated and too associated with button and strap and elastic struggles and wrestling, even if teen sex persists as a powerful blog magnet.

I thought about “Animal Sex.” Many of my “readers” are vectored here by Google, Bing, and even that snooty Jeeves, looking for what, bestial congress? Really? Animal sex? There is no lingerie. No buildup with dinner and a movie. No action in the back seat of your car (would be hard on the upholstery). No “meeting the parents.”

I thought about using “Group Sex” as the title, but ho hum. I’m not a joiner. Which group are we talking about, anyway? AA? Too talky during the act. “Hello. My name is John and I’m an alcoholic…” PETA? What, animal sex again? AARP? Please, put your teeth back in, grandma; or no, wait a minute…

I thought about “Porn Sex,” but these days we’ve got food porn, torture porn, Palin porn, etc., etc. Porn is the new white bread. As a search term, “porn” scarcely ranks above “corn” anymore (not any more). Does that last sentence make any sense? No.

So I chose “Forbidden Sex.” What does that mean? If you’re a member of a religious order, it’s all forbidden. If you’re some wild-eyed nihilist with a minor in de Sade, nothing is forbidden. Gay sex was once forbidden; now, the next President will probably be gay (or LBT), and married. Sex between a black man and a white woman wasn’t exactly forbidden; it could just get you lynched. Sex between Asian and Caucasian? Irish and Italian? Catholic and Jew? Democrat and Republican? Limbaugh and Garofalo? Not forbidden; all bidden. And what about sex outside the marriage? I read somewhere that formerly, up until the 60s, say, the husband was expected to have something going on the side; but now, no! Swiper no swiping! Is this, then, the last bastion of forbidden sex – the wandering husband? My goodness, there must be something worse than that. Infidelity does not rise to the “forbidden” level. Accidental strangulation at the critical moment? Nah, Carradine was probably murdered or too high to know what he was doing. The act since his death has become common comedic currency. See “Cedar Rapids.”

Forbidden sex. It’s out there somewhere. If you encounter it, or better yet, if you do it, tweet us. Post the details on our wall. Download a clip to YouTube. Name it and define it in Wikipedia. Get a groupon deal and let us in on it. Thank you.

Government Report: Effect of Meat on Sex

A recent government study details the effects of increased meat consumption on the human act of coitusatation. Highlights:

Meat        Its effect on “doing it”

 Beef         Increased interest in her udders.

Chicken    Michael Jackson’s favorite.

Fish           Makes the eyes bulge and the mouth make gulping motions.

Pork          Increased interest in her hams.

Duck          Increased interest in paddling her hams.

Octopus    Remember that guy who used to take you to the drive-in?

Recommendations

Sex toys fabricated from meat are not recommended.

Eating meat while engaged in recreational sexual acts is not recommended, as it may lead to an increased risk of choking and/or administering painful bites to your partner.

If engaging in coitus while cooking fried chicken, cover yourselves with a tablecloth or something like that to protect against hot oil spatters.

Farmers: If you are coupling with your wife while at the same time beheading chickens with a hatchet, and you are utilizing the birth-control method of quick and sudden withdrawal at the critical moment, you are just asking for it.