The Classics Diet

Do you secretly want to lose weight, but you’d never admit it because you’re above all that? Diets are anti-intellectual? No diet includes quiche and Birkenstocks? Your spouse, the professor, would never use words like “fat,” “old,” “cow”?

Do you eat with your finger raised? Your pinkie, I mean? Your pinkie finger, I mean?

The Classics Diet is not a diet. It is a way of life. You read the classics, right? Not like those other slobs on your block, who watch TV and drink and go on diets? The Classics Diet is simply another name for what we call “Method Reading.”

Being so smart like you are, you undoubtedly know all about “method acting.” How De Niro gained all that weight? How Brando hung out on the docks? Well, you can do the same thing, Mr. or Ms Smartypants, while you’re sitting there in your beanbag chair reading, yes, wait for it, one of your goddamned precious classics. While you read, you live like the protagonist does. You eat what the protagonist eats. How hard is that to understand?

Monday – You are reading: Ulysses   You are eating: the inner organs of beasts and fowls.

Tuesday – You are reading: Galway Bay   You are eating: not potatoes, that’s for sure.

Wednesday – You are reading: Oliver Twist   You are eating: gruel.

Thursday – You are reading: Dracula   You are eating: bloodsickles.

Friday – You are reading: Black Beauty   You are eating: hay.

You’re not done yet, not if you’re one of those brainiacs with a reading list of great books that you’re working your way through. Keep up the method. You’re no quitter. All the way, to the end of the list. Alternatively, you can eat the books.