Guest Post: David Gold

Hi, joem18b. Thanks for the opportunity to introduce myself and write a few words about what I’m up to.

I guess there aren’t too many readers out there who have seen 15,000 movies.

I was going to start a movie blog myself, but I’m always so busy watching movies, I haven’t had a chance to do it.

I was going to use the blog to keep lists of what I’ve watched, divided up into categories, by director and by year and so on. I used to have a list. I’d carry it with me to the theaters, in case somebody would ask me about all the movies that I’ve seen. Nobody did ask me, but meanwhile I lost the list when I left it on my seat after the first Transformers movie. I was hurrying across to see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry in the next theater and I just forgot it. When I went back, it was gone. The cineplex never found it. I went through their dumpsters out back, but no luck.

I probably know everything there is to know about movies. Well, I was going to learn all the possible camera shots and how to cut a film together and what directors especially like to do in their films, but I would have had to stop watching movies while I wrote all that down and it’s hard to remember those things anyway. Who cares about all those different shots? Let the DPs worry about them. That’s what DPs get paid for. I’ve seen every possible shot a thousand times, even if I can’t recognize them or name them and don’t really give a good goddamn about them, to tell you the truth. It’s hard enough to sit there and watch movie after movie. Can you imagine how many shitty movies I’ve had to watch to get to 17,000? I should start my list again. I used to have a plan. I used to have a schedule. I should make a new plan.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re watching so many movies. I worked for a while at the cineplex but I was just sneaking in and watching the same movie over and over again. Can I count each time I saw it in my 18,000? I worked at Blockbuster but once you’ve watched all the movies there on the store machine, what’s the point? I never met a single girl at Blockbuster. Well, I met a lot of them but none that would go out on a date with me, to the movies or anything, or practically even to talk to me. The customer is always right! I’m able to live on the city’s General Assistance monthly checks. I spend them all on movie tickets, and eat at a soup kitchen and sleep in a shelter.

If I could meet a girl, she could ask me about any movie and I’d tell her that I’ve seen it. The homeless women I know are all mentally ill or alcoholics or drug addicts who don’t care about movies. At the movies, you never see a girl sitting by herself. They’re always sitting together. If you say hi, they look at you like you’re crazy. If they knew I’d seen more than 20,000 movies, they wouldn’t feel that way. Even if you sit down next to them at the start of the movie it doesn’t do any good. I offer to share my popcorn but I never get a date.

My time at this library computer is up. If you’re a girl reading this, I would like to date you. See you at the movies!

Guest Post: Freddy Potts

Thanks for this space, joem18b. I’ll use it to write about my movie-watching pet peeves.

I hate it when the person sitting next to me is texting on their iPhone, or playing Angry Birds, or eating something, or has snot up their nose, or breaks wind a lot. Also, I hate it when their stomach gurgles. It “takes me out of the movie.”

I’ve tried to ignore all these things. My therapist says that I’m “too f**king sensitive.” But no use. As noisy as Transformers and Punch Drunk were, I still couldn’t concentrate on them with somebody at my elbow clearing their throat, bringing up phlegm, and scratching. They scratch their scalp and then there is a pause, and then they scratch their armpit and then there is a pause, and then the next thing, they’re scratching in their pubic region. And grunting. I hate the grunting.

This is why I now watch movies only at the cinema, not at home. I’ve talked to my wife and daughter and mother-in-law about this but it doesn’t do any good. So no more sitting on the couch with them watching DVDs for me. I’ve had it.