How to exercise

Exercise is healthy. Of course you know this. You hear it all the time. Exercise lowers your blood pressure. Helps prevent diabetes. Etc.

You know this but you don’t exercise. And, just as you know that exercise is healthy, you also know all of the ways to become motivated to exercise, to get going, viz., exercise with a friend; choose an exercise that you enjoy; make a pact with yourself; start small. So forth.

But you don’t exercise. Instead, you turn to me. What am I supposed to do, nag you? Who am I, your mother? Nobody can talk you into this. Look at you. You ain’t buff. You ain’t going to be buff.

Fortunately for you, I have a simple solution. No psychology is necessary. No planning. No preliminary visits to the doctor to ensure that you’re not about to drop in your tracks. No need for friends or family support or special equipment.

It’s a little red pill. I send you a big bottle of them for a modest price. (I obtain them from Canada using a sort of legal doctor’s prescription.)

The pills arrive in the mail in a plain brown wrapper marked “Sex books inside.” (Old joke.)

Take one pill and I guarantee that you will exercise. If there are stairs handy, you’ll run up and down them. If there is a road handy, you’ll run down it. For eight hours, you won’t be able to hold still. Too high.

The beauty of these pills is that they are highly addictive, so you won’t need any further motivation to maintain your regimen. Plus, for the one payment, I’ll be sending you a lifetime supply.

Simple but Effective Diets

Why complicate your life? You can lose weight easily while you go about your normal business, using one of these simple plans.

The Dog Diet

Eat whatever you want, but only on all fours and out of a dog bowl. No fingers!

The Bird Diet

Eat all you want, but peck at your food such that your wife finally warns you that if you do that one more time, she is going to stab you to death with her fork.

The Monkey Diet

Eat all you want, but act like a monkey in your home. That is, don’t wear any clothes and poop wherever you are when you feel the need. In time, your appetite will decrease dramatically.

The Boa Diet

Eat all you want, until your middle is so swollen that it looks like you’ve ingested a pig. Then curl up and don’t eat for a week.

The “Uncle Louie” Diet

Hard-boiled eggs and Jack Daniels only.

Weight Loss Guaranteed: The Mineral Diet

Minerals aren’t food. You can eat all of them that you want without getting fat. In fact, on my all-mineral diet, you’ll lose weight – as much as you want.

It’s simple:

Eat vegan “doughnuts”

 These monstrosities don’t have trace one of sugar, butter, fat, or grease. They look like doughnuts but after you’ve eaten one, and your body has gotten over its WTF moment, it will begin consuming its own fat just out of annoyance.

Eat nails

Chew them down to the quick. Anxiety burns a shitload of calories. Biting your nails tricks your body into thinking that you’re nervous.

Eat marbles 

 Better yet, lose your marbles. The insane are generally slender. Check out any mental institution. Those climbing the walls will be skinny to a man. The fatties are just drugged out on thorazine.

Drink beer 

 Altough beer is not strictly a mineral, I like to work it into all my diets.

Eat air 

Gulping air produces a satisfying feeling of fullness. Your hunger (which is just the sensation caused by contractions of the stomach) will disappear. This relief will persist until you burp.

Busking 11

Through my friendship with Azradangle, an archdemon of the 7th circle of Hell and a pretty funny dude, I’ve been busking down in the Inferno this weekend. My offerings to the souls of the damned:

$1  I give you a quick spritz, providing you with .o1 seconds of relief from your eternal suffering in the flames of perdition.

$2  I chide you for your past worldly peccadillos, which didn’t seem so bad at the time but yet here you are, for chrissake, my chides distracting you for .02 seconds from the searing heat of the fiery coals of the nether world.

$3  I tell you that joke about the priest, the rabbi, and the imam, which ends up with a humorous reference to all those lost souls like you, insane with pain and trapped in your own self-inflicted Gehenna, just like your mom warned you, but you wouldn’t listen, you.

$4  I show you 4Chan clips of your ex “going wild” in Cancun, where it’s warm, sure, but not like this place, this underword hades of torment where your feet burn off for the first time every morning before breakfast.

$5  I sing and dance until you realize what a mistake you’ve made asking me to do that and beg me to stop, but then for an extra $5 from Azradangle, I keep going for what seems like eternity, but which is actually only a smidgen of a smidgen of eternity.