What Would Jesus Do? #526

Dear WWJD, my daughter, who is only twelve, wants to wear a “training Wonder Bra.” These things are designed to accomplish one thing and one thing only and should definitely be banned and illegal. I told my daughter N O spells NO and now we aren’t speaking. How would Jesus handle this situation? #AngryWorriedMom

Dear AngryWorriedMom, in Jesus’ time, women wore an outer tunic over an inner tunic. The woman’s outer tunic was somewhat longer than the man’s (Isaiah 47:2; Jeremiah 13:2). Nothing was worn beneath the inner tunic (the coordinated bra-and-panties set had not yet been invented).

So we would need to explain to Jesus what the training Wonder Bra is. Also, we would need to explain to Him that a girl of twelve, these days, is not already married and starting a family. These days, attracting a husband has more to do with dress, makeup, and jewelry that with presenting a goodly dowry of sheep and goats.

Sadly, we would also have to make Jesus understand that today, the average tween girl  looks like a tart on the best of days.

Once He had learned all this, I believe, Jesus would seek out the factory where the training Wonder Bras are made and, growing wroth, would drive all the workers to without the structure (which is located in Shenzhen in Guangdong Province, China, 19.1 km from our Christ the Lord Christian Church, congregation 129, in that same city).

Taxing the Rich: WWJD

Jesus hates taxes, but that’s not the end of the story. Jesus loves tithes. “The tithe is that tenth of our income that we give to God, which enables Him to move on our behalf in the area of blessings.” Satan would never cough up one tenth of his ill-gotten gains, not for Jesus or the IRS or anybody, except possibly for some really hot chick that he just couldn’t resist; but even then, he wouldn’t pay her until he’d sampled the goods. So if your tithing contributions are up to date, Jesus knows that you aren’t one of Satan’s minions. This may seem like taxation, but it’s a good thing, in terms of your health.

Jesus himself could be rich if he wanted. He could turn water into gold, never mind wine. So when you’re taxing the rich, it’s like you’re taxing Jesus Himself. This is a good way to get yourself  struck with leprosy or something even worse. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. You don’t want to be taxed, do you? So why would you tax someone else, even someone filthy rich and undeserving of the luxurious life he or she is living on the backs of the rest of us?

Polls show us that more than 61% of rich people are skunks. They’re stuck up, they’re rude, their kids are running wild, and most of their money is just sitting there doing nothing. Jesus would take that money and give it to those of us who are spreading the gospel over radio and TV. Jesus would give the rich a choice: donate or burn in Hell. But he’s say it better than that, talking about lambs and His Father’s Kingdom and so forth.

Jesus has always been about small government. You’ve got God, you’ve got The Holy Ghost, you’ve got Christ. That’s the three branches of Heaven’s government right there, and it consists of only three individuals, if you count The Ghost as a person. Any government with more than three people in it is heresy. Those thousands or millions of Hindu gods? That’s the type of government you want to avoid. The cost of salaries and rental office furniture alone will kill you.

Bottom line: If you’re rich, be a nice guy. Be pleasant at all times. Say “Ola” to your gardeners. Say “Buenas dias” to your maids and try to keep your dirty paws off them, unless they seem genuinely interested. Contribute to Ron Paul. Maintain a large compound in a third-would country in case Obama is reelected and finally starts to show a little backbone.