snow

We were snowed in and snowed under with work but the boss’s reasons for no overtime were a real snow job, while he acted pure as the driven snow and left us snowed.

 

For One-Liner Wednesday

branch

honey, i’ve been promoted.

wonderful! to what?

branch manager.

wow. the company’s branching out? opening a branch office? where?

some little town in the middle of montana.

huh. how many in the office?

just me at first.

that’s a branch? sounds more like a twig. or a bud.

they told me branches start out small like that, and branch managers too. for example, branch rickey signed with the st. louis browns in 1905 and look, he went on to introduce jackie robinson to major league baseball. the branch davidians started out small and…

whoa right there. aren’t those the guys that were at waco?

well, yeah. but that was later and they had a compound there, not an office.

i need a drink.

bourbon and branch water?

 

for The Daily Post

fabric

what is all this talk about the fabric of spacetime?

in the books and movies the fabric is always endangered. somebody is always tearing it. how can that be? hasn’t spacetime been around since God made the world or since the world evolved, if you’re a non-believer. Who thinks you can go around tearing it?

when I was a kid growing up in New York, the only time you heard about fabrics was when your sister talked to her friend about sewing or buying a new dress or if you knew a boy who was a tailor’s son or whose dad repaired car upholstery.

talk about fabrics on the street corner and everybody would think you were a… a… whatever. tho i did have a friend from Philadelphia who would call the rear part of a girl her fabric. he’d say, some nice fabric out on the street today.

i also knew a boy from London who called his underwear his fabrics which made everyone hoot.

my mom made my shirts but she didn’t ask me what kind of fabric i wanted in them.

also, come to think of it, the sign on my dad’s shop had the word fabricate in it.

 

For Daily Post

how fine is it?

TOP

“She’s so fine,” said the dude.

MIDDLE

“His work is fine,” said the boss.

BOTTOM

“Fine,” said my teenage daughter.

Homelessness

I’m homeless.

I suffer from homelessness.

I’m homelessnessetic.

I wander the neighborhood homelessnessly.

I’ve adapted because I’m homelessnessable.

I was homelessnessed quite a while ago.

I’ve been homelessnessing with a light heart.

You could say I’m a homelessnessette.

I’m homelessnessful.

I blame society for homelessnessifying me.

I suffer from homelessnessalgia.

Thank you, thank you. Can I borrow five bucks?

 

For Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie

premonitions

My hindsight is largely composed of resuscitated premonitions.

 

For Daily Post

God or Blue M&Ms

I had some awesome oatmeal this morning.

Yesterday it was better. It was amazing.

Day before that, better yet. It was good.

So “awesome” has moved to the bottom of my superlative list, below amazing, incredible, and not bad.

What are my candidates these days for describing, say, God, if God should be standing before me? (I mean, me standing before Him.)

Back in the day, “awesome” was the default descriptor for the Almighty.

Now I might say:

• WTF!
• Bloody Hell!
• Jesus Christ! (ironic)
• F*** me!
• Dude!
• Literally, what is that?!?