Tweeting for Screenwriters

To all my followers: I never tweet while impaired. This is because my assistant takes my iPhone away from me, as well as the Moto Backflip that I keep hidden in my shorts, whenever I become unable to answer simple questions in a logical and sober manner.

Having said that, note the following wrt any tweets  about my work emanating from the Arbitrage shoot in New York:

Richard Gere – I did not plant the gerbil on set. Plus, I thought that Gere was supposed to have a sense of humor. Did I get him mixed up with some other guy? And what’s all this yammer of his about Tibet? What’s wrong with Tibet? It’s got that religious guy, doesn’t it? Everybody loves him? In the robes? So what’s the problem? Tibet is up in the mountains somewhere I think. How come you never hear anything about skiing there?

Tim Roth – Lie to Me wasn’t real, right? Roth spent three seasons learning all the ways that people lie, but that doesn’t make him an expert at detecting somebody really doing it, does it? I didn’t take his bottle of Lagavulin scotch, irregardless of his tweets.

Susan Sarandon – I have provided a DNA sample and I will be exonerated. I can’t specifically remember the evening because I had a little tiny blackout at some point after dinner. I do know that I never had access to her underwear drawer, wherever that was.¬† Maybe she was hallucinating. Maybe she is an “unreliable narrator” in her tweets. What about that? And yes, not to be mean, but the woman is in her mid-60s. To look that good? Of course she’s had work done.
Although to tell you the truth, I couldn’t tell for sure. Which explains the underwear drawer.

Director Nicholas Jarecki – He didn’t fire me, as his tweet claimed. I quit. And I will work in New York City again, no matter what he thinks. He’s still a kid as far as I’m concerned. He wrote Arbitrage, which is his first feature film, so don’t blame me when it bombs. But if it’s a hit, then that’ll be because of my script-doctoring input. I’m also sure that he’s the one who got me on the no-fly list so that I had to drive all the way back to Culver City in a rented Neon, with Avis waiting for me at the end because my check bounced. (If that girl I picked up in Ohio tweeted anything, that isn’t true either.)