Top 5 Cheese Movies

First, the rules: No mice. No Swiss cheese. Or is it swiss cheese? I never liked it. And with the holes? Been done to death.

No Limburger. I don’t want to show my age.

Who Moved My Cheese? has not been made into a movie yet, as far as I know.

1. I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With (2006) – L.A. and New York are full of folks, mostly young adults, making a living, or trying to, by being funny. This movie includes a number of them, Jeff Garlin and Sarah Silverman at this point having worked their way higher upon the hog, referencing ham and cheese, than most of the others.

2. Little Caesar (1931) – The best Big Cheese? Until “Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?” de-cheeses him.

3. The Stratton Story (1949) – Maybe Stewart doesn’t have the best big-league cheese. We’ll give Dutch that, in The Winning Team (1952). But Stewart’s got the moxie.

4. Millions (2004) – As the movies prove, again and again, if you come across a lot of cheese that isn’t yours, trouble usually follows.

5. This space is reserved for any unpleasant movie, in honor of cheesy movies in general, and butt-crack cheese, smegma, mother’s-milk cheese, cheesecake, cheesecloth – whoa. There’s nothing wrong with a big bolt of cheesecloth! In fact, I’ll go with Freddy Got Fingered (2001). I liked it, but many found it objectionable for some reason.

Honorable mention: Wallace and Gromit and their love of cheese, from the moon and otherwise.

Top 5 Flea Movies

I’m ruling out movies about cats and dogs. Listing movies about cats and dogs and their fleas would be like making a Top-5 list of movies about, say, breathing. And yes, I’m two days late applying the Advantage this month. I swear I’ll do it tonight.

I’m also ruling out The Seventh Seal and all other plague movies.

And poverty movies. I hate depressing old Top 5 lists about the poor and the flea-bitten.

And please, no cartoon fleas.

1. The D. I. (1957) – In 1957, I was living in Beaufort, S.C., next to Parris Island, where The D.I. (Drill Instructor) transpires. It was #1 in town for weeks, of course. Jack Webb at his best. The central scene: maneuvers on a beach; don’t slap the sand fleas even as they bite. A recruit does slap, the men are made to hold a funeral for the flea and spend the night out on the sand, with the surviving fleas.

2. The Autobiography of a Flea – If no one ever made a movie of this classic of erotica, they ought to have. A friend brought back a copy from Europe in 1960. This was before the word “porn” had been invented, because there wasn’t any, as far as most of us knew. “Hardcore,” if it was used, did not relate to the arts. The book chronicles the non-clerical activities of a collection of monks and nuns. Flea’s-eye view. I wonder if my friend was worried at Customs, as I’m sure that they loved to confiscate this sort of item. I should google him now after 50 years and ask him.

3. The movies wherein a group is hiding from the Nazis and one of them gets bit, but to react would be to expose the group. Nazis and fleas, of course, just naturally go together.

4. No more military or sex movies. This space is reserved for the movies where, at a crucial moment, a flea bites somebody in the ass and they jump forward and knock over the, the, the sacred idol, or cry out before the bride can say I do, or like that.

5. MEMORIAL – This space honors all the drive-ins that have turned into flea markets.

Honorable mention: Movies that combine fleas and ghosts or fleas and vampires, but not fleas and werewolves.

Top 5 Vegetable Movies

I don’t have five, or even one, vegetable movie in mind as I write this. I’m hoping that inspiration will strike as I go.

But first, the rules:

– No movies about vegtables in the shape of phalli.

– No movies named in a spirit of unkinditude or bad taste, such as Talk to Her (2002).

– Herbs don’t count, ruling out that Argentinian movie about the guy who has a heart attack, retires, grows lavender, and, spoiler, has another heart attack.

– Movies about fruits are ok.

– I’m ruling out movies about gourds. It has to be a vegetable or fruit that you can eat.

– No Van Gogh movies on the basis of sunflowers and the fact that you can eat their seeds. This also rules out major-league baseball movies, where ballplayers eat lots of  sunflower seeds these days, instead of chewing tobacco.

– No animated vegetables. This disqualifies It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966).

– No talking vegetables, including Dustin Hoffman as a tomato, regardless of his motivation. Hoffman, back before he moved into his 70s and has to take what Mick LaSalle calls twinkly parts.

– Sadly, cheese isn’t a vegetable.

– I haven’t seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978), but I’ll bet that if I had, it wouldn’t make my list. I have seen Children of the Corn (1984) (just the first of the many). It doesn’t make it either. And I haven’t seen King Corn (2007).

– No movies where a green alien is a vegetable, like in the original The Thing (1951). You’ve got to eat it; it can’t eat you. This rules out The Little Shop of Horrors (1960).

– No movies that just have vegetables or fruits in the title, like Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) and The Cocoanuts (1929).

– No movies about a big meal, of which there are too many to bother getting specific.

– Soup isn’t a vegetable.

– The vegtable can be cooked or raw.

– Please, no famines.

So, my list:

1. Mr. Majestyk (1974) – It’s about melons. Charles Bronson grows them and he has to break a few of the other kind in the course of the movie. Elmore Leonard wrote it; I hope that you’re enjoying Justifed. The great Al Lettieri is the bad guy in Majestyk; you may recall him from The Getaway (1972), doing his thang thang with Sally Struthers.  Al Lettieri, dead at 47 from a heart attack… There was a time when Bronson was making some fine movies.  The Mechanic (1972), though, not so much, because of the bummer ending and the fact that it made me hate Jan-Michael Vincent after seeing it.

2. The Secret of the Grain (2007)  (Le graine et le mulet) – Old Algerian in Sète, France, wants to open a restaurant selling cous cous and mullet. Cous cous, being pasta, isn’t strictly a vegetable, but I’m giving it a pass. Great movie till it runs out of steam at the end.

3. The movie about the young German woman from Norway who immigrates to… Minnesota? Wisconsin? after the war and meets a guy. The two of them harvest a zillion acres of corn, barehanded, in a couple of days. Or maybe I misremember.

4. Lorenzo’s Oil (1992) – Tell me that the oil was made out of some vegetable or other. I wasn’t that crazy about the movie, but now I only need one more to be done.

5.  Damn. I thought of one and now I’ve forgotten it… Hmm… Oh, yes. The one by a woman, long-time filmmaker, a documentary, about folks who go out after a harvest and scavenge from the fields. French. The somebodyorothers.

Top five nose-picking movies.

Who do you have to screw around here to get someone to read a post?

I sent $50 to some guy for five sure-fire methods of garnering readers. I tried all five and none of them worked, but when I asked the guy for my money back, he told me that he thought “garner” meant to piss somebody off ha ha, and that his ad had garnered me and my $$. But then he gave me one more idea, for free: to do a top-five list of movies on an unlikely subject. I asked him what kind of subject and he said, well, what are you doing right now?

What I really want to do is make a list of my top five movies where a guy pays some money to somebody and gets rooked by him and then goes over and BEATS THE KAHOOEY OUT OF HIM! if i knew where he lived. He claims he’s the son of the president of Nigeria but that doesn’t make any sense. If he were the son of the president of Nigeria, he could just order a bunch of flunkies to visit my site and pretend to read it and get me off his back.

I could use the IMDB keywords for nose-picking, choose from the 24 titles listed, and be done with it – just wait for the curious readers to descend on me. Or I could choose a subject less outré, like note-biting, cotton-picking, or top five movies about the sons of African presidents who are a-holes and if you’re reading this, don’t answer his fracking ad!!!

Top five movies about annoying royal Africans causing problems in the U.S.:

Coming to America (1988) – The guy who screwed me even sounds like Eddie Murphy in his YouTube ad. What African accent sounds like the Bronx?

E.T. (1982) – He’s not from Africa, but I find the little twerp annoying as hell.

The Naked Jungle (1954) – Army ants vs Charlton Heston in South America. The army ants eat everything, Charlton Heston does that thing with his face that he used to do. The movie is sort of like this guy taking my money, you know what I mean?

Marley & Me (2008) – Oh, Marley. You are such a cute little puppy. I love you. How could they let you grow old and pass away in the movie?!? The sobbing in the theater was heart-wrenching. And yet I know you were just acting and that right now you’re back home. Hopefully your owner will read this to you.

Gone With the Wind (1939) – I only liked the first half.