open season

we opened season on nature a long time ago. now nature has declared open season on us.

we are a stubborn breed. intransigent.

sure, we’ve got some lily-livered cowards who want to give up at the first hurricane. turn tail. surrender. capitulate. wave the white flag. show the white feather.

not me though.

i get up at the crack of smoggy dawn, keep the air conditioner roaring, step out into the back yard, feed the bloodhounds, and check that my little ole oil well is still pumping crude.

i eat a steak for breakfast, hop in my pickup, and head out into the woods to hunt down the last of the endangered animals living there.

the shores of the country are going under water but i don’t live near the shores. tornadoes are multiplying but I don’t live in tornado country. we do get some earthquakes but that’s just from the fracking.

you’ve got to be adaptable when you’re up against mother nature. move to a place where she can’t get at you. move to a place where she has to feed you with wildlife, at least till you eat it all. you can’t fool around with somebody who can whip up a tidal wave or volcano at any minute.

i have been asked about compromise. meeting nature half way. about balance. a middle course. a happy medium.

that is not the human way. nature is not a member of our tribe. i have five wives. you think i’m going to compromise about that? i’d settle for three or four more, yeah, but that’s about it.

think of the future, they say. think of your children (and i’ve got plenty!). that’s their first mistake right there. when i got up this morning, i was thinking about the steak i was about to eat. that was my future.

for Thimbleful Thursday

Hit the Ceiling

“When Dad heard, he hit the ceiling. He raised the roof.”

“Yeah, he blew a gasket.”

“Don’t mix metaphors.”

“Sorry. He was bouncing off the walls. How’s that?”

“Good. Thank you. He put his foot down. It was Katy bar the door.”

“He ran around like a chicken with its head… Nah… All our privileges went right out the window.”

“You said it. He was ready to clean house with us.”

“Make us get our house in order.”

“A plague on both our houses.”

“A house of ill repute!”

“Well, he didn’t go that far.”

For Thimbleful Thursday Writing Prompt