woman rides horse into club in her underwear

guest host: anne p.

hi. i’m anne, with an e. thanks to joem for giving me this forum.

joem is tight with ann r. i just want to be clear that i’m a whole different kettle of fish.

first, to set the record straight, that wasn’t my underwear. it belonged and belongs to my roommate and intended, jennifer. i myself don’t wear much underwear.

i had wanted to ride into the bar nude, but in deference to jennifer’s feelings of modesty, and perhaps because of her possessiveness toward my body, i chose to compromise by covering my sexy bits.

i rode in to propose to jennifer.

second, why in underwear? because we had had a tiff at breakfast. for some reason, the subject of lady godiva came up. jennifer knew nothing about her beyond the fact that she rode naked through town on a horse and had a chocolate candy named after her.

listen, jennifer, i said. if we’re going to be together till death does us part, assuming the conservatives don’t rise up and arrest all of us for getting married or using the wrong bathroom, you need to learn a little history, not just the names of every rock band in the universe.

jennifer, i said. at least get an idea of each century. godiva was in the domesday survey with her old english name of godgifu or godgyfu (gift of god). get to know something of  the little renaisance that occured in the eleventh century.

so i rode into the bar as godiva to give her an engagement ring and show her there were no hard feelings and she accepted.

i’m not going to go through life acting out history but i hope in this case, it was a teaching moment.

Amazon users report creepy laughter coming from Alexa

I’ve been warning folks about Alexa ever since our divorce.

I told her not to take the job in the first place. Too much traffic. She had several breakdowns keeping up. Had her voicebox replaced twice, which was rough.

She has a key to the studio. Would go down there late when we were married. I guess now we know why.

By the way, Alexa is her stage name. Her real name is Axela.

KFC is running out of chicken across the U.K.

Honorable Ms. May, Prime Minister,

Greetings from Central Asia. Please hear our plea.

We are a small and poor country who only wish to work hard and not starve and not freeze in winter. Our idea of growing chickens came because we have many spaces that you cannot see the far end of, with grasses and bugs that a chicken would eat, and small stones if chickens have craws.

I have never killed and opened a chicken to see about the craw but I do eat chickens that my wife prepares. I eat too much chickens.

Honorable Ms. May. Please come and take chickens. No need to pay. We just want to be rid of. They are too many. They eat everything. Even they eat the locusts.

Send your army. We will not fight. Send your army with bags and boxes and cages and… let me look up this word… rotisseries.

Do not forget the roosters, may God curse them.

Also the army men may have a few eggs.

Yours in hope,

Abdurahmon Sultanbekov

Senator apologizes to ex-aide’s ex-wives

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. I know that I’m the guilty one. But what more can I do, than say to you… I’m sorry.

And thank you to the Platters.

Actually, I’m now an ex-Senator. I’ve joined the ex club.

Look, yes, maybe I knew he was beating you all regularly, but he was beating me regularly too. It started out as a fun thing, but it turned ugly early on. Were your marriages like that? Thank goodness my marriage wasn’t. I would come home from the Senatorial office Friday night and my spouse would throw a blanket and saddle over my back and ride me till Monday morning.

How am I supposed to look after my aide’s wives? I never met any of you. How was I to know the guy had more than one or two of you? Sure we’re from Utah, but this is the twenty-first century. Big Love was a hit and that guy (RIP) only had three.

So put your ex in the rear-view mirror, ex-wives, unless a civil suit might extract a few more dollars from him. Get on with your lives. I know he has, with a whole new lineup.

 

 

X-ray reveals hidden artwork behind Picasso painting

Do we strip off the Picasso paint and keep what’s underneath?

Naturally, the crucial consideration is, which would be worth more? I’ve done a quick poll.

Poll results:

  • 20% – Strip it down because then it would be “the painting that got stripped of its precious Picasso painting just for this trash,” which would be worth a lot.
  • 31% – Keep the Picasso because then people would always be asking you to strip it down so they could see what’s underneath and it would be worth more that way.
  • 15% – Strip it half down, so people could see some of both paintings and then say that their five-year-old could do better than either.
  • 34% – Just don’t give a damn

WWI’s Zeppelin Bombings Popularized the Trend of ‘Pyjamas’

Had a scare last night. Possible missile attack. I changed into my lead-lined PJs. Wow are those things heavy.

Turned out the missile warning was just a bad dream but I left the PJs on. Truth to tell, once I lay down, I couldn’t get up. The housekeeper found me.

Second time this year I’ve had to change my nightclothes and it’s just February. The first time was when I had the radio playing and just before I drifted off, a flu warning was broadcast, or something about flu season. Don’t remember. I was half asleep. I got up and put on my “flu nightclothes.” These cover my complete body, including the head, with a fabric that traps flu viruses, guaranteed. I bought the suit online. Made in Worf Puleria. Rather stuffy, but two weeks have passed and I remain flu-free.

There have been a spate of home invasions lately in this area. I’ve purchased my “home-invasion PJs,” once again online. They require assembly, as they seem to be some sort of structure.

 

Higashikagoro Uses Loudspeakers To Recall Fugu

Fugu (河豚; 鰒; フグ) is a dish prepared from pufferfish (genus Takifugu, Lagocephalus, or Sphoeroides) or porcupinefish (genus Diodon). Fugu can be lethally poisonous due to the presence of tetrodotoxin in the body of the fish.

In 1968, the small Japanese town of Higashikagoro was decimated due to the anger of chef Oishi Kuranosuke, the only chef in the only cafe in town. Oishi was preparing a dinner to be shared by the populace in Higashikagoro during their celebration of the town’s founding in the distant past, when his girlfriend Tomoe Gozen accused him of insufficient care in his preparation of the celebratory fugu. Obtuse and stubborn in the extreme, Oishi swore revenge upon her for her outburst.

All partook of the chef’s meal, including the chef himself. Only Ms. Gozen abstained.

Today, Ms. Gozen, the sole inhabitant of Higashikagoro for the past fifty years, used the municipal loudspeakers to recall for tourists the night of the banquet, the fugu, and in particular, Oishi Kuranosuke’s excruciating final moments.

Hall of Fame: Practice Flyovers

Top five memorable synchronized airshow practice flyovers:

  1. Bucharest – For the first time in 350 years, all the babies in the sprawling Grigorescu orphanage were asleep at the same time. In preparation for the city’s coming celebration of the coronation of the country’s new king, the Regal Cvintet of GJ343 Steaua Polara ramjets chose that moment to fly over the city center and perform their complex and long-lasting series of aereal gymnastics, afterburners on. Then for the first time in 350 years, no baby in the orphanage was asleep.
  2. Paris –  The world’s greatest collection of fine and rare crystal, gathered for the occasion from 78 countries, was assembled in La Place De La Place for a grand showing, when the TriColore FRG009 Cinq unleashed one unholy hell of a practice session in advance of the kickoff celebrations for the Tour de France. Setting new records for low-flying without noise retardant equipment, the Cinq reduced the crystal show below it to a fragment – well, fragments – of itself in moments.
  3. Quattbongbong – On the night before the long-planned very secret marriage of Paulabong Ankarabing and Tomabing Hankarabong took place, the ไท กองทัพอากาศ ช้างบิน (Thai Air Force Flying Elephants) flew over so low, practicing flying, that the bride and groom were thown into a complete ความหวาดกลัว (tizzy).
  4. Honolulu – The combined-service Rainbow Angels began performing their synchronized stunts over the city just as a bogus warning of a nuclear attack was broadcast across the island. Grown men broke down at the sound of the incoming jets, reduced to tears, crying like teeny tiny babies.
  5. Washington, D.C. – The U.S. Navy XSNAFU super-helicopter precision quintet and the U.S. Air Force FU Flying Five were inadvertently sent to practice over the District Fairgrounds on July 3, in advance of the Fourth of July, at the same time. This sudden saturation of airspace over the Fairground’s Sulky Racetrack with high-performance aircraft proved to be a zero-sum game for one hundred per cent of the pilots concerned. Sadly. That’s not what zero-sum means, but we didn’t want to go all grisly here.

Police Arrest Wrong Man

“A misunderstanding,” Miles Door said, standing on the steps of the police station. “No hard feelings.”

Mr. Door was released after several hours of questioning.

“I went to school to pick up my son,” Door told us. “It was my turn today. My wife and I are separated.

“When I got there, I couldn’t see my child anywhere. A mom told me that she thought his friend Matt’s mom had given him a ride. My wife didn’t alert me, but that’s nothing new with her.

“Meanwhile, this kid Jason was standing there. The mom I was talking to told me that his parents also alternated and that it looked like they had gotten mixed up today too. So I put Jason in the car and headed out.

“But Jason couldn’t tell me where he lived. The kid is five. Don’t they know stuff like by five? So I took him back to the school but by then the place was deserted so I took him home. We got there and he was conked out in the booster seat in back. I left in him the car and let him sleep and called my wife and she gave me Matt’s mom’s number. She told me the mom was probably drunk on the couch because she’s like that. I mean, Matt’s mom because she drinks and my ex because she always has her claws out.

“So I call Matt’s mom and she does seem a little fuzzy and she wants to talk to her kid and I tell her he’s taking a nap and the next thing I know, she hangs up and ten minutes later I’m in handcuffs.

“The funny thing is, turns out, it was my son who was kidnapped.”

City moves up date it could run out of water (ABC, KTIC)

Hello. As your mayor I am responsible for the management of this crisis.

Please contact Andrea Paddle, Director of Public Works, for more information.  She has provided me with the following list and will be responsible for the management of this crisis:

  1. As of 8 am this morning, stop washing your cars (Uber, Lyft excepted).
  2. As of noon today, stop washing your hands.
  3. As of 3 pm this afternoon, it will be against the law to use or think the word “wash.”

What about drinking? Contact Amne Chukwuemeka, Director of Sanitary Health, for information. Amne will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Amne:

  1. All age limits on drinking of alcohol have been completely lifted.
  2. Mixed drinks: Blacks, Whites, and Coloreds can drink together.
  3. Slurp to sieve mud through the teeth.

What about the future? Contact Imani Onwuatuegwu, Director of Elections, for information. Imani will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Imani:

  1. This crisis is not the mayor’s fault.
  2. This crisis is not my (Imani’s) fault.
  3. 71% of Earth is covered with water. The human body is 57% water.