Man Reports ‘Unexploded WWII Bomb’ That Turns Out To Be Zucchini

Headlines such as the one above can be counted upon to generate a laugh or two, and perhaps a click of the mouse. However, the tragic fact is that 46.7% of such stories contain tragic facts.

But this post is not about recursion. It is about Life, and how the facts of life are often tragic. (Not “the facts of life,” which do generate a lot of laughs, especially when explained to five-year-olds.)

Unmentioned in the news article about the man and his bomb is the fact that he made his report to the Bombenpolizei after eating the zucchini, not before. His report was metaphorical in nature and was based upon his growing fear that the ancient vegetable, once subjected to the digestive process, would truly “explode” in his nether regions.

Ich dachte, es würde mir den Mut machen,” Gunther explained. “You know, I thought it would blow my guts out.”

And so, in the event, his concerns unaddressed, his wife and children were made to suffer der Lärm und der Gestank.

Guest Post: Hyrum Smith

On the occasion of his wedding (50th wife), welcome, Hyrum, and congratulations.

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Thank you, DWEW.

Yes, I have 50 wives.

It’s a religious thing.

Don’t ask about the sex. That’s always the first thing to come up. I don’t talk to my wives about it. I won’t talk to you about it. Once the subject comes up at home, I can’t get a word in edgewise, so if a wife tries to sneak sex into the conversation, if a wife even looks like she’s thinking about sex, if she even glances anywhere below my belt, I tell her,  forget about it for the next year or two, period.

I mostly pay for sex in town. Much simpler. Note, however, that I do have 241 children, just in case you think I’m a closet homosexual or something.

Also, don’t ask about food. The cooking competition is worse than the screwing competition, pardon my French. I walk into the dining room, sit down, and eat what’s on my plate. Then I say thanks and get up and leave. You want a review of your dinner? Check my plate. If the food is still lying there, your dinner stinks.

Keep the kids away from me. One hint of favoritism on my part and all hell breaks loose. We’ve got 50 moms here (ages 12 to 92). Take care of your kids! If they want to go to college, make sure they get a scholarship. You can’t beat being a member of a cult for moving to the top of various lists.

If you’re my mother, one of my sisters, or one of my daughters, don’t try to marry me. This means you, Mom. It’s embarrassing to have a whirlwind romance and find myself at the alter, only to discover you’ve used a wig and contacts to disguise yourself.

If this is about money, talk to Sariah (the 92-year-old). She keeps the books. Cult finance is not taught in Accounting 101.

I don’t talk politics, except to say, where do you think Romney got those debating skills? And Jon Huntsman felt right at home as a diplomat in China, a country with a population of 1.3 billion.

One last thing about sex. If you consort with a prostitute on a steady basis, ensure that she has at least one child by you, if you want to keep straight with God.

5 best nature movies for kids

When looking for great nature films for kids, we focus on five areas:

– Appreciation of nature
– “Just say no to drugs” education
– The science of nature
– Spiritual values
– Family values

Here are the best in each of these important categories:

5. Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – It’s about having fun at a summer camp in a place where it’s quite warm and probably rains a lot.

4. Alice in Wonderland (1951) – Good warnings for kids about the gateway drugs tea and tobacco, as well as hallucinogenic ‘rooms and pills, and gambling, all in a natural setting.

3. Godzilla (1954) – A reminder for kids that there used to be dinosaurs and that they might come back if we just keep fracking around with radiation like we are.

2. 2012 (2009) – What could happen if God gets mad enough.

1. Good Morning… and Goodbye! (1967) – Not strictly for kids, according to Russ Meyer, but it’s full of heavy-breasted women running around naked in the woods, which to me says “Mom.”

Honorable mention: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009) and AVP (2004).

5 worst kids movies for nature

Only our kids can save the world. What are the top five things that we want to teach them?

1. Stop using plastic.

2. Eat less meat.

3. Plant a tree.

4. Share your car.

5. Have fewer babies.

With that in mind, the worst kids movies for nature:

1. Star Wars (1977): Darth Vader and all his minions? That looks like plastic to me. And the action figures? It’s an outrage!

2. Red River (1948) – Two hours and thirteen minutes about driving cattle to the boxcars, and then on to Chicago and steak dinners for everyone! I say, return the prairies to the buffalo, even if a theory documented in the latest Scientific American suggests that bison crossing the land bridge from Asia caused the demise of North America’s megafauna.

3. Sometimes a Great Notion (1970) – Cutting down trees, spotted owls be darned. Plus Henry Fonda’s dismembered hand, flipping a bird. Plant trees, don’t cut them down; although I guess it’s OK for a kid to go out and start a forest fire every once in a while, due to the overabundance of brush and low cover in many woodsy stands around the nation.

4. The Hitcher (1986) – What kid is going to want to give anybody a ride after watching this travesty?!? This movie should be banned from all countries that don’t at least have a bullet train. And when your kid gets his or her driver’s license, give him or her a 9mm Glock to hide under the front seat or stick in a cup-holder.

5. Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968) – Eighteen kids. Desilu should have kept the original title, “Two Prolapsed Uteruses.” When this movie arrives from Netflix, if you’re under 21, the envelope ought to include a dozen condoms.

Honorable mention: The Mosquito Coast (1986) – A fun way to gets kids thinking about self-sufficiency!

5 worst nature movies for kids

Nature’s hardest organic material is the tooth, which Nature invented a long time ago. My question is, why aren’t we up to our necks in teeth? Do the math: the shark maintains multiple rows of teeth. The teeth push forward as new ones grow in and the front row drops out. The shark has been around for 420 million years, minimum. Let’s say sharks average out at a billion total population at any given time on Earth (in the water) for 400 million years, with each shark growing and ejecting, say, 5,000 diamond-hard teeth in its lifetime. You can pack 1,000 shark teeth into a cube 8 inches on a side. Which all means that that thin, Earth-girdling black schist-like layer of compacted shark teeth 1850 feet down in the stratums, or stratii, is not thick enough, by half. What happened to those missing teeth?!?

And that’s not counting the teeth of the numerous species of Ichthysaurs over the millenia, or millenii.

Ask any school child this missing-tooth question and you’ll get either a blank stare, a reference to the fifth day of God’s creationist activities, or a confused discourse on why separating your waste into buckets of different colors is “green.” My question is, how come children cannot answer the shark-tooth question? Answer: children’s nature films and their demonstrable deficiencies.

The worst offenders:

5. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004) – Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love SpongeBob.  But how many teeth does a sponge have? Plus, the movie lulls children into a false sense of security with respect to Nature and shark’s teeth. Movie’s message to kids: you won’t drown.

4. Bambi (1942) – Bambi is never shown eating meat, but I have a feeling that there is a subtle message present in the film. I just watched the scene again where Bambi’s mom buys the farm. Funny, I always thought she got roasted in a forest fire. But no. It’s a venison thing. Movie’s message to kids: there’s good eatin on those deer.

3. Deep Throat (1972) – These days, kids are liable to watch anything and then go out and try it. Monkey see, monkey do. Movie’s message to kids: teeth don’t matter.

2. Gone with the Wind (1939) – They burn down a fracking city in this movie. That’s a lot of carbon injected or ejected into the atmosphere. The filmmakers’ excuse? They’re ending slavery. Movie’s message to kids: you can increase your carbon footprint willy-nilly if you just think up a good excuse for it in advance.

1. Nosfertatu (1922) – Forget all those trillions of shark teeth. The teeth you need to worry about are the ones stuck in your neck at night. Confusing movie message to kids: drinking blood is a sex thing.

Honorable mention: Teeth (2007), which puts teeth in their rightful place.