9 Things That Might Be Wrong With You

[Headline, Huffington Post]

1. You might have a heart attack in the next five minutes. Are you driving down the freeway while reading this? Move over to the slow lane.

2. Are you reading this while having sex? That’s weird. But anyway, having sex at your age and in your shape is just ignorant. You could have a heart attack practically any minute now.

3. All right. You’re sitting down. Not doing anything stupid. You probably won’t have a heart attack after all. Relax. Nonetheless, you’re still reading and that makes you a prime candidate for a brain aneurysm. Something about the eyeballs tracking back and forth on the screen seems to bring them on. In the next few seconds. (Too late to stop reading.)

4. You know what? We’re only at #4 and you’re already so at risk of being dead. The idea that you’ll make it to #9 is ludicrous. If nothing else, you just might be the type of person who unconsciously signals everyone around you that you want to be murdered. It’s pathetic.

5. Let’s get back on a medical footing. Do you have any aches or pains? Moments of indicision? A reason to be reading this beyond a severe vacuity in your life? You know what’s wrong with you? No, wait. We’re listing 9 things. We need to build the tension.

6. Let’s skip over this one. If you’re really sick, you might not have much time left.

7. If it’s in the Bible, you probably don’t have it. you’re not religious enough.

8. What’s your worst medical fear, disease-wise? You could have that! After all, you’re worried about it for a reason.

9. Let’s face it. We’ve got one good symptom to work with here: that you’re reading this. We can make a strong argument that your problem is mental, not physical.

Doctors Shocked As Ultrasound Reveals Face In Testicular Tumour

Headline that appeared in the Huffington Post a week ago.

This is a family blog, but I think we can have a responsible discussion about the lowly testicle here.

I knew a young woman in graduate school who thought a cat’s testicles were his kidneys. Education is important, even on this page.

Therefore, my top five memorable sets of testicles:

5. Guiness record for most testicles in one scrotum: Dennis O’Toole (5).

4. Strangest-looking: Brian O’Murphy, whose scrotum, for some reason, is green.

3. Guiness record for lowest-hanging: Patrick Owen O’Connor (2 inches above the knee).

2. The “ghost” testicles: Queen O’Brian was told by a soothsayer that if anyone saw her son’s testicles, including her son himself, that son, Sean O’Brian, would die within the year. The queen had the child delivered and diapered by a blindfolded doctor and nurse team, and thenceforth, his privates were never uncovered. Sean lived a long life (never married) without ever laying eyes on, as they put it these days, his own “junk.” Some question whether he actually had any.

1. Bobby O’Reilley, the first recipient of donor testicles in their original scrotum. The young man Flynn O’Cruller was tragically killed in a car accident and when he was parted out, O’Reilley got his ‘nads. O’Reilley’s wife states that, when she’s making love to her husband and feels those things slapping against her down there, no, it doesn’t give her a funny feeling. As for having a red-haired baby, it’s all the same to her, since Bobby is a carrot-top and so was Flynn.