5 Must-Know Facts About Sex

[Headline, Huffington Post, 01/11/12]

1. It’s ok to mix sex and food. For some, it is essential. (a) Is it possible to cook a good dinner, including hor dourves and dessert, while having sex? Sure. We won’t get graphic here; just know that it’s no problem. Care is necessary so that no one gets scalded or cut. (b) Comfort eating can be a big help during the rigors of intercourse. (c) Don’t snap your gum.

2. It’s ok to spread out the act, timewise. Pace yourself if you want to. Attenuate the friction by taking the whole day, say, on and off, to complete your business. What’s the rush? You’ve got the rest of your life, unless you’re on a date. Get started, take a break for Kelly Ripa and bagels, re-engage, argue about your finances, lose interest, do a little blow to rekindle, re-enact that time you were both unfaithful but now can laugh about it (only if you’re really high), and so on. There is no shame in temporarily wandering off, unless it’s to a strip club.

3. It’s not ok to call it sex when it’s really something else, like, say, exercise. Don’t count out loud, as if you’re doing pushups. Don’t play that little game where one of you chases the other, both of you shrieking with laughter, and you wrestle her to the ground, if that chase runs longer than three hours or twelve miles, whichever comes first. Normal relations never include lifting your partner repeatedly over your head.

4. It’s not ok if either of the two partners in the act does not realize that it is actually going on.

5. An exception to #4: If you can only enjoy sexual congress when asleep, it’s ok to tell your mate “Good night, Honey. Knock yourself out.”

Top five nose-picking movies.

Who do you have to screw around here to get someone to read a post?

I sent $50 to some guy for five sure-fire methods of garnering readers. I tried all five and none of them worked, but when I asked the guy for my money back, he told me that he thought “garner” meant to piss somebody off ha ha, and that his ad had garnered me and my $$. But then he gave me one more idea, for free: to do a top-five list of movies on an unlikely subject. I asked him what kind of subject and he said, well, what are you doing right now?

What I really want to do is make a list of my top five movies where a guy pays some money to somebody and gets rooked by him and then goes over and BEATS THE KAHOOEY OUT OF HIM! if i knew where he lived. He claims he’s the son of the president of Nigeria but that doesn’t make any sense. If he were the son of the president of Nigeria, he could just order a bunch of flunkies to visit my site and pretend to read it and get me off his back.

I could use the IMDB keywords for nose-picking, choose from the 24 titles listed, and be done with it – just wait for the curious readers to descend on me. Or I could choose a subject less outrĂ©, like note-biting, cotton-picking, or top five movies about the sons of African presidents who are a-holes and if you’re reading this, don’t answer his fracking ad!!!

Top five movies about annoying royal Africans causing problems in the U.S.:

Coming to America (1988) – The guy who screwed me even sounds like Eddie Murphy in his YouTube ad. What African accent sounds like the Bronx?

E.T. (1982) – He’s not from Africa, but I find the little twerp annoying as hell.

The Naked Jungle (1954) – Army ants vs Charlton Heston in South America. The army ants eat everything, Charlton Heston does that thing with his face that he used to do. The movie is sort of like this guy taking my money, you know what I mean?

Marley & Me (2008) – Oh, Marley. You are such a cute little puppy. I love you. How could they let you grow old and pass away in the movie?!? The sobbing in the theater was heart-wrenching. And yet I know you were just acting and that right now you’re back home. Hopefully your owner will read this to you.

Gone With the Wind (1939) – I only liked the first half.