The Purple diet

I’ve been asked, “If I go on the Purple diet, will I turn purple?”

No. You will turn purple when you die; or at least, your bottom half will. It’s called lividity. But you probably already know that, what with Law and Order and CSI, so forth.

The purpose of the Purple diet is to help you live longer, not to die. This should be obvious.

Note: there are some folks who do look purple, or have a purplish tinge to their complexion, especially after a hard night at the pub or in the factory sewing leather strips together, or, among the very darkest-skinned Africans, when sweaty, in bright moonlight. This is not related directly to diet, any more than a yellow complexion implies that you eat a lot of overcooked corn. Many yellow-skinned folks have never seen corn, or perhaps know only of popcorn, a top American export to cineplexes around the world.

Why eat purple? To not eat non-purple. Have you ever seen a purple doughnut? You have? Don’t eat it. Have you ever seen a purple porterhouse or purple fries? Seriously, don’t eat them if you have, particularly if you fished them out of a dumpster.

What about purple coloring additives? If you go this route, just maintain your current diet and color everything purple. You’ll hate yourself for cheating in this way, and eat less. Or more.

Purple food suggestions: blue/purple potatoes, eggplant, blue/purple beans, berry sorbet, blueberries, some blue corn, purple cabbage, dried plums/prunes, raisins, lavender ice cream, purple peppers, beets, Kalamata viniagrette, purple kale, grape jello, radiccio, purple pole beans, purple cauliflower, Purple Jesus, purple yam cake, cranberry sauce, purple carrots, blue corn meal, taro, purple basil, blueberry catsup, purple asparagus.

Questions: What if my specimens of the above are not quite purple, but more reddish or blueish? What if the vegetable turns green with steaming? Answer: What is color, anyway? Who’s to say that you and I see the same color when we look at something? My left and right eyes see slightly different colors. Listen. Get something purple, cook it if necessary, and then eat it! This is not religion, where you fret about every little commandment. Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not lusteth after the babe next door, who does not need the Purple diet. What she needs is a steady diet, alright, a steady diet of… aw, forget it.

Celebrities who might have tried the Purple diet: Oprah. Kirstie Alley. John Goodman. Al Gore. Gabourey Sidibe.

Do diets work? Not to be a buzz kill and go dark, but if the Purple diet fails you, rest assured that at some point in the future, the ultimate diet – death – will work like a charm.

Blackberry Outage

Research In Motion (RIM) experienced a major Blackberry outage yesterday. I don’t use a Blackberry, but the event put me in mind of several outages I’ve encountered recently in my own life.

– I was on a hot date and the time had come to drink champagne from this hot babe’s navel. She pulled up her blouse and I discovered that she had an outie. Trying to drink champagne from an outie is a joke.

– I hang out with a bunch of guys in what we informally call The Hooters Club. We go to the bar in town and drink some beer and comment on girls’ hooters and just have a good old time. The latest issue of Out! magazine listed every guy in the club except me as a closet gay. These guys have been pretending to like hooters because our town doesn’t have any other place to drink beer! Was I interfered with? I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.

– I suffered an electrical power outage at home that lasted a week. The power company refused to recognize my problem as an outage because, they said, I hadn’t paid my bill and they had simply turned off the electricity. They relented on payday when I sent them the money I had budgeted for food. I spent the next two weeks dumpster-diving, which I consider a food outage of sorts.

– I had a “God outage” last Sunday when the pastor of our church removed me from my post as Sunday School teacher for the fifth-grade boys and told me I could return only when I had a doctor’s certificate proving that I had had a chemical castration procedure – another outage!

The Upcoming Election

Guest poster: Mabel Brown

Every four years, I hold an election to determine who will be my husband for the next term. My current husband is ok. He’s black and I’m white, which is good for bed but bad for joining the local country club. Also, he’s no help in finding me a job.

I’ll choose one individual to run against him. There will be one voter in the election. Me.

The candidates interested in making the run are debating tonight at the VFW, with me watching and asking the questions. Participating will be:

Rick – Looks good in a suit. Not too bright.

Mitt – Looks good in a suit. Bright. Wears funny underwear.

Michelle – Looks good in a suit. The trouble begins when she opens her yap.

Newt – Told him I had a breast lump and he was out the door in the wink of an eye.

Ron – A coot. Tells me that marriage is “illegal government interference.”

Herman – All the pizza I can eat!