Worst movies where Dad promises to make it to the kid’s performance or game

The marriage hinges on it:

“You’re never here for him/her!”

“Honey, I swear I’ll be there for Heidi’s  Christmas play.”

“You’d better be, you $%##*&.”

In these movies, it’s sort of Dad’s last chance. Hey, I’ve been there. You work and work, miss a family dinner or two, the kid is asleep when you get home, so you sit down in front of the game and have a few drinks instead of helping her with her homework, and the next thing you know, the wife hands you an ultimatum: Get your ass to the Forndale Gammar School auditorium and onto one of the folding chairs tomorrow night or we’re through! Your daughter is Dixon or Ditson or whatever the frack that reindeer is named and  she wants you there to see it.

Even if I had made it, the wife would have come up with something else the next week.

5. Jingle All the Way (1996) – I don’t actually go to many movies, especially since the divorce. I used to go with the wife and kid but now I usually just stop in at the Beer Sponge instead. I know that Arnold is a busy guy, a businessman,  in this one. Maybe he didn’t have to go to a Christmas pageant in the movie, I can’t remember, but I was proud to have him as Governor.

4. Up (2009) – There must be a thousand movies where Dad just makes it in time, or doesn’t make it, or whatever. You could google them. Somebody told me that the dad misses his kid’s ceremony in this one. What about all those negligent moms? What about them?

3. Precious (2009) – Like the mom in this one? Mo’Nique? She’s no prize. The dad shows up on time, too, even if it’s just to sexually molest his daughter. This guy will never be governor of anything.

2. Liar, Liar (1997) – Jim Carrey misses his son’s birthday party because he is having sex with his secretary. I’m taking this one off the list, because it seems like an acceptable excuse to me.

1. Tiger Woods – He’s not a movie, but Tiger, or Eldrick, as his friends and the hookers like to call him, missed his daughter’s birthday party. It was the final straw, along with the hookers.

5 best nature movies for kids

When looking for great nature films for kids, we focus on five areas:

– Appreciation of nature
– “Just say no to drugs” education
– The science of nature
– Spiritual values
– Family values

Here are the best in each of these important categories:

5. Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – It’s about having fun at a summer camp in a place where it’s quite warm and probably rains a lot.

4. Alice in Wonderland (1951) – Good warnings for kids about the gateway drugs tea and tobacco, as well as hallucinogenic ‘rooms and pills, and gambling, all in a natural setting.

3. Godzilla (1954) – A reminder for kids that there used to be dinosaurs and that they might come back if we just keep fracking around with radiation like we are.

2. 2012 (2009) – What could happen if God gets mad enough.

1. Good Morning… and Goodbye! (1967) – Not strictly for kids, according to Russ Meyer, but it’s full of heavy-breasted women running around naked in the woods, which to me says “Mom.”

Honorable mention: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009) and AVP (2004).

5 worst kids movies for nature

Only our kids can save the world. What are the top five things that we want to teach them?

1. Stop using plastic.

2. Eat less meat.

3. Plant a tree.

4. Share your car.

5. Have fewer babies.

With that in mind, the worst kids movies for nature:

1. Star Wars (1977): Darth Vader and all his minions? That looks like plastic to me. And the action figures? It’s an outrage!

2. Red River (1948) – Two hours and thirteen minutes about driving cattle to the boxcars, and then on to Chicago and steak dinners for everyone! I say, return the prairies to the buffalo, even if a theory documented in the latest Scientific American suggests that bison crossing the land bridge from Asia caused the demise of North America’s megafauna.

3. Sometimes a Great Notion (1970) – Cutting down trees, spotted owls be darned. Plus Henry Fonda’s dismembered hand, flipping a bird. Plant trees, don’t cut them down; although I guess it’s OK for a kid to go out and start a forest fire every once in a while, due to the overabundance of brush and low cover in many woodsy stands around the nation.

4. The Hitcher (1986) – What kid is going to want to give anybody a ride after watching this travesty?!? This movie should be banned from all countries that don’t at least have a bullet train. And when your kid gets his or her driver’s license, give him or her a 9mm Glock to hide under the front seat or stick in a cup-holder.

5. Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968) – Eighteen kids. Desilu should have kept the original title, “Two Prolapsed Uteruses.” When this movie arrives from Netflix, if you’re under 21, the envelope ought to include a dozen condoms.

Honorable mention: The Mosquito Coast (1986) – A fun way to gets kids thinking about self-sufficiency!

5 worst nature movies for kids

Nature’s hardest organic material is the tooth, which Nature invented a long time ago. My question is, why aren’t we up to our necks in teeth? Do the math: the shark maintains multiple rows of teeth. The teeth push forward as new ones grow in and the front row drops out. The shark has been around for 420 million years, minimum. Let’s say sharks average out at a billion total population at any given time on Earth (in the water) for 400 million years, with each shark growing and ejecting, say, 5,000 diamond-hard teeth in its lifetime. You can pack 1,000 shark teeth into a cube 8 inches on a side. Which all means that that thin, Earth-girdling black schist-like layer of compacted shark teeth 1850 feet down in the stratums, or stratii, is not thick enough, by half. What happened to those missing teeth?!?

And that’s not counting the teeth of the numerous species of Ichthysaurs over the millenia, or millenii.

Ask any school child this missing-tooth question and you’ll get either a blank stare, a reference to the fifth day of God’s creationist activities, or a confused discourse on why separating your waste into buckets of different colors is “green.” My question is, how come children cannot answer the shark-tooth question? Answer: children’s nature films and their demonstrable deficiencies.

The worst offenders:

5. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004) – Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love SpongeBob.  But how many teeth does a sponge have? Plus, the movie lulls children into a false sense of security with respect to Nature and shark’s teeth. Movie’s message to kids: you won’t drown.

4. Bambi (1942) – Bambi is never shown eating meat, but I have a feeling that there is a subtle message present in the film. I just watched the scene again where Bambi’s mom buys the farm. Funny, I always thought she got roasted in a forest fire. But no. It’s a venison thing. Movie’s message to kids: there’s good eatin on those deer.

3. Deep Throat (1972) – These days, kids are liable to watch anything and then go out and try it. Monkey see, monkey do. Movie’s message to kids: teeth don’t matter.

2. Gone with the Wind (1939) – They burn down a fracking city in this movie. That’s a lot of carbon injected or ejected into the atmosphere. The filmmakers’ excuse? They’re ending slavery. Movie’s message to kids: you can increase your carbon footprint willy-nilly if you just think up a good excuse for it in advance.

1. Nosfertatu (1922) – Forget all those trillions of shark teeth. The teeth you need to worry about are the ones stuck in your neck at night. Confusing movie message to kids: drinking blood is a sex thing.

Honorable mention: Teeth (2007), which puts teeth in their rightful place.