Interview with Newt Gingrich

Me: Hi, Newt. Back from your vacation in Greece?

Newt: If the Greeks had followed my advice the last time I vacationed there, they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in now.

Me: Well… Can we begin with a question about your first name?

Newt: Have you seen a newt?

Me: What, that’s it? You’re named after the animal?

Newt: What did I just ask you?

Me: Is it like a salamander?

Newt: Is my name Salamander Gingrich?

Me: All right. No. I’ve never seen a newt.

Newt: How about a ging?

Me: Oh, for the love of Mike. I’m sorry I asked. Ok. Will you tell us how you’ve gotten three different babes to marry you? Ow!… I’m bleeding on myself.

Newt: On day one as President, I will immediately begin to change government so it starts serving the will of the American people.

Me: I think you broke my nose. What about this mass resignation of your entire campaign staff, after they said your wife was bossing them aroun… Ow!

Newt: America only works when Americans are working. I have a pro-growth strategy similar to the proven policies used when I was Speaker to balance the budget, pay down the debt, and create jobs.

Me: Remind me. Were you indicted for any sort of corrupt… Ow! Jeez, Newt. Is this how you treat your wif… Ow!

Newt: The big government Obamacare approach does not address the root causes of America’s health care crisis. Instead, it creates layers of new taxes, regulations, and bureaucracies that will ultimately make our problems worse, not better. Newt proposes a “Patient Power” plan that will save lives and save money.

Me: Christ, I’m a mess. This is worse than interviewing Mel Gibson or Russell Crowe. Or even Lindsay Lohan… You had harsh words for Senator Ryan’s health plan, too.

Newt: I did not give Ryan that shiner.

Me: Now, look, your wife Callista… Ok, no, wait, I’m not asking that! I’m not asking that! No, now, Ok, the emails between you and Sarah Pali… Ok, Ok, I’m not asking that either! Newt, put down that petrified lizard paperweight! Heellllpp!